I am in love for the first time. We had a huge fight and I begged her to come back and she did. I realized, although I was longing emotional intimacy but I was also subconsciously manipulating her and being too demanding. She was scared of losing me all the time and hid things from me because she thought they would make me mad. I don’t know how I somehow turned into my own father(I am a girl), who I blame for all my low self esteem and other issues. I was trying to think of our good times together to feel rejuvenated. And to my dismay, I didn’t come up with anything. And I tried to think of other memories from my past(Im 32) and still nothing. Everything remotely good seemed so trivial. Every negative experience is so fresh and huge in my memory and somehow I believe I create situations thatend up in new negative experiences.

I don’t know how to start with changing this. I need help. I have done therapy earlier but I always was doing it as the victim. I dont know what kind of emotional intimacy will satisfy me. I become jealous,possessive and bitter (not just sith partners,also with friends and family) and end up leaving before anyone can leave me. I reject most people unless its just for a simple acquaintance. I long for deeper relationships but I shun them when I am close to getting one.

I dont know what I am aksing for. Maybe a book, a video or just a start. How do I start again? Be a better person? I am done being this self hating person who makes others miserable too.