Dear Learning:

Yes, reads to me that she is communicating to you that she disapproves of you and your family-of-origin. Reads to me that she wants you to know she thinks less of you and your family-of-origin (your side of the family).

Reads to me that she feels entitled to make such comments because you live in her home. She sees you as powerless and herself as powerful. You wrote: “I understand that I’m at their mercy”- and reads to me like she understands the same thing, that you are at her mercy.

I think there is still a way for you to assert yourself with her. If you already tried to assert yourself with her, will you remind me how you did so? And if you are interested to try again, let me know- maybe we can figure out a way.

anita

Dear Learning:

My advice regarding what I believe you should stop doing:

1. ” I try to understand where she’s coming from as only wanting the best for her children.” She is hurting you purposefully. So she is coming from her desire to hurt your feelings and keep you submissive to her. I say, stop looking beyond this clear motivation on her part. (I doubt she has her children’s best interest in heart as well- we assume this about mothers, but her son’s and grandson’s best interest would be that she treats you well, so that you will be a healthier wife and mother, not a distressed one!)

2. ” I try to remind myself that she had a hard up bringing.” – this is irrelevant because every single person, or at the least, almost every single person who mistreats another, does so because they had an unsatisfactory up bringing. It is not an excuse.

3. ” I try to read between the lines and see if there is something truth to what she says and maybe she sees something in me that I need to work on.” No, her interest is not that you work on yourself. Her interest is, again, to hurt you and keep you submissive to her. She is not mistreating you because you need improvement. She is mistreating you because mistreating you makes her feel good and she can get away with it.

4. “I tell her I don’t look at my mistakes as errors but rather to do things differently next time, learn and grow”- again, she is not interested in you learning and growing. She is interested in hurting you and keeping you submissive to her.

My advice as to what to do instead:

1. Your attitude: Aim at her respecting you, not liking you. You can’t make her like you. Your MIL is into having power over you, that is all. The weaker she sees you, the more comfortable she is to keep hurting you. The more you try to please her, the more she is comfortable hurting you. The more submissive you are to her, the more effort she will exert to keep you submissive.

2. In practice: when she says something hurtful to you, like that your son takes after her side of the family, walk closer to her, stand straight, look in her eyes and say in a calm, yet firm, strong voice: “I believe he takes a lot from my side of the family.” Still stand there, let the words you just said sink into her brain. Then walk away.

anita

I have found that when we find ourselves repeating a specific scenarios of interaction with someone it often means that at some subconscious level both parties are attempting to heal a past hurt.

My opinion is that the only way to break out of the pattern is effective communication which unfortunately becomes so difficult when the issue is between families and talking doesn’t feel safe.

The following is an example of a self-defeating loop when real issue is something happening behind the words.

“Let’s say that your significant other has been paying less and less attention to you. You realize he or she has a busy job, but you still would like more time together. You drop a few hints about the issue, but your loved one doesn’t handle it well. You decide not to put on added pressure, so you clam up.

Of course, since you’re not all that happy with the arrangement, your displeasure now comes out through an occasional sarcastic remark. “Another late night, huh? I’ve got Facebook friends I see more often.”

Unfortunately (and here’s where the problem becomes self-defeating), the more you snip and snap, the less your loved one wants to be around you. So your significant other spends even less time with you, you become even more upset, and the spiral continues. Your behavior is now actually creating the very thing you didn’t want in the first place. You’re caught in an unhealthy, self-defeating loop.”
― Kerry Patterson, Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

How to break the cycle from crucial conversations.
– Learn to Look
– Make It Safe
– Master My Stories
– Mutual Purpose
– Six Styles Under Stress
– Start With Heart
– Work On Me First