I wrote a long account because I did not find a person whom I could say everything to. Please help me!

I have been in brief long distance relationships before but I never felt so strongly as I did when I met my ex four years ago… when I confessed and he confessed back, I felt this was meant to be because we were both in love with each other at the same time and it felt like fate- the way we met belonging to very far apart states and although we were both in our final years of college, our subjects were very different and colleges were in the states we lived- Far Apart. It was a long distance relationship and although we met once a year and if our savings allowed it then twice a year but it was a very happy relationship. we were figuring out what to do when I decided to move back home due to a bad health condition and we had talked about staying in the same city many times but it had never happened. A month after I shifted back to my home, physically ill and a little depressed due to my writer’s block as well as career ambiguity, he got a job offer in the city I was living in when I met him, it was far away from his home and it was the first time he was living so far apart from his mother. This was last year, he asked me to come back and due to my health, I could not. I did go to visit him and stayed with him but not more than a week. I was very weak, and he understood. I went back home and he started teasing me trying to make me jealous telling me that he was hanging out with a bunch of other girls and since he was done this so many times in the past and when I did not get jealous, he used to complain that I let it go.

the first time I was shocked at his behaviour was when he asked me to write a poem about a beautiful smile, I wrote and sent it to him asking him why did he want a poem and he said he has asked a girl out on a date, a girl who he met at a conference at work. she was leaving town the next day. I was hurt but I did not say anything then, I thought he will come back without any success since I know how shy he is. I was right. He did come back saying how she did not like him as he was sitting there like a fool unable to say anything constructive. I asked him if anything happened and he said no she did not let me drop her back. Shocked at all levels, I did not say anything then. A few days later when he said how he texts her and she does not respond well, he asked me to decode her texts and it was too much for me to take… I told him how he was behaving and how hurt that made me feel. I also said that if you have to go hit on other girls, I will set him free. He was sorry and apologized and then he never ever talked about her again, I did ask him about her a few months later and he said he stopped talking to her, she was not interested it was evident on the date itself. He took a trip with his office colleagues, two girls but I knew that they were not the kind to indulge with him, once he got drunk at an office party and slept in the room of a foreign delegate who gave him the bed and slept on the couch. This was all relayed by him to me, and since he told me everything all the time, I never had any reasons to suspect him.

He went home for an extended weekend and although he was hesitant to tell me this first, he could not on the call and so texted me that he kissed an old friend when he was drunk, she was committed to another guy and so both of them decided to never talk again. I somehow had an intuition of this, he had called me when he was going to meet her and he was talking in the usual loving manner and nothing about the conversation said that something like that could happen but then I still had a feeling a few hours later that something was up but I thought not to get ahead of myself and waited for his call and he did not call, I called him the next day acting like nothing had happened, it was a brief call and then later in the evening, when I called again i asked him the reason of his rigidity and he said nothing, he was busy. A Few minutes later he texted me everything and how guilty he was about it. He said it was a little brush and he did not mean it. I let it go and forgave him, thinking that his guilt will stop him from doing anything like this again.

He was alright after that, for a few days he behaved as if he was very sad but thereafter, he became his usual self. He had an important conference after that so he was extremely busy, but he forgot my birthday. He would always remind me about it for days and forget wishing on my birthday itself. this had happened last year as well. I don’t want to sound immature and complaining but He never did anything special for my birthday when I sent gifts, video compilations of all his friends, and even flew down to see him once for his birthday.

After his conference was over, I complained how little time I was being given and he said he would work on it and it was fine after that. Amidst all this, I overcame my depression, decided what I wanted to do in life and started a distance education programme specialising in the field.

At the start of this year, I first lost my pet, then my grandma- I was very close to her and he was there listening to me every day, comforting me.  He had lost his father and then his grandparents all in a row and understood loss and was internally strong.  nearly twenty days later, I went to see him, there was also the pretext of the wedding of a cousin but I would not have gone if he was not there in the city. I stayed with him, and all his friends told me how much he talks about me, he told everyone about me and how good and talented I was. I felt happy because although I have heard this in the past, this was a new city and these were a new set of friends, and he still chose to tell everyone about me. My sister met him and she said he loved me very much and he is very serious regarding you.

After nearly ten days of coming back home, He said in a text how he imagined his future with me. He said he would need some time to be financially stable but then he wants to be with me. I felt like the happiest girl ever.

After nearly five days after that, he was not very prompt with texts although he called every day. One day he said he did not feel like talking and I said good night and did not pressure him to talk. for next four-five days, he would call and say that he felt sleepy and said good night and slept.

I texted him after I was upset that I have a strong feeling that something is bothering him and he did not respond to the text, said he was busy and he will call in the evening.

he was very loving when he called and then he asked if I was free, I was doing some chores so I said give me 20 mins, he waited patiently then I texted if he slept already and he said no he was waiting for my call. Happy that he was back to his old self I called and he talked politely and then went on to say how unsure he is about his career and that he thinks its best if we split now, he said again and again if I don’t do it today I will never be able to do it and we will always be unhappy. I told him that if I don’t say it that second maybe I will never have the chance to say it ever again – I love you and he said I love you too and broke into tears but I still don’t know till date if he just said it out of habit. He told me that this is not because of any girl and that the only girl he can ever marry is me and that the day he feels he is financially stable, he will come for me.  I thought maybe he needs some time on his own to think things through so I left it at that.

Three days later, my closest friends started telling me to call him again and talk things through. They said that they felt he was depressed regarding his career. Most of them were sure he will come back soon.

I called him and although he was polite, he tried to be stern and stone cold in terms of feelings. I asked him again the real reasons and he said that that was the reason, he said he felt that he was being rude to me whenever he was working and that he feels that he cannot take care of my emotional needs. He said he felt like I was an emotional baggage and if I had waited for a week perhaps he would have come back but the fact that I could not even stay away for three days makes him think he made the right decision. I was hurt, I told him I called him because my friends asked me to check on him if he was alright. I then blamed myself for everything and at this point he hung up on me. He texted later that he was sorry that he hung up but he could not take it.

I stopped all contact, A month later I emailed him that I felt he made the right decision because the breakup made me get out of my writer’s block and I was offered a job as a content writer which I took. I also told him I was sorry for any harsh words from my side and that I forgave him and said that I apologize and I hope that in time he would do the same.

he replied nearly four days later saying that I am happy that you wrote to me, I am glad that you realized our weaknesses and are working on yours. I am trying hard to work on mine, All the best and have a happy life ahead. I thank you for the email.

after that, I talked to him about texts once regarding a website which we worked for together earlier and

on texts again about hotel discounts, which was linked to his email id.

He replied to me on all occasions but never texted on his own.

Its been a month and a half and I did not receive any phone calls or texts from him.

I have gone through break ups with men i was infatuated with and they all called and texted me even after break up, even if they chose to love another over me and I was fine with talking to them as it took away the grief.

there has not been a day that i have not been reminded of him by either my friends, or some mail or pictures online.

Our mutual friends call me to tell me about him, they used to actually, they said he rarely hangs out now, turns down outings, and when he does come, he does not speak much, is always angry about his work. I told them not to tell me about him because i want to focus on myself and move on so they don’t tell me stuff anymore.

But I am not able to move on, especially because I dream about him every day, I wake up feeling awful then I work on being better and then again as soon as I am not busy. The question that why could he not call or text even once bothers me so much that it is hard to sleep well… I know all I cared about was his health and success and still pray for that but and it does not bother me so much that he broke up as this does that his not talking to me even once makes me feel as if I did something wrong.

Not able to move on, although trying with all my might. I have been there for all my friends listening to them from night till morning, but when I am sad, I find them all listening to me once and saying move on, nobody gives me any perspective. actually, I have four friends, three of them are men and they say he will come back and that’s that. and the girl says that I should move on and be happy that it is over so that I can focus on the better things to come. I really want to take her advice and but ever since I went into a relationship with him, I find that I find no man attractive. I often told him that it’s not as if you are Mr World or something but still my eyes only see you and heart wants only you. I don’t want to live under any false hopes but I don’t know why I am not moving on. Why isn’t time healing me as they all say!!!