I always have had the fear of being left alone all my life… It originated long back due to some family members, friends and later love interests leaving me behind.

When i met him, I was cautious not to fall very deep in love, obviously i could not control that but still I had my doubts…

After three months of being together, He confronted me and told me that he will not leave. After that at various occasions….  numerous occasions should be the correct term he told me that again and again, even when i was not afraid anymore.

Yes it was cruel of him, but this relationship was his first relationship (He is a single mother child and he told me he always felt that she is his responsibility so he wanted to focus on providing her a good life but he said that when we met, he just fell for me) and somehow I felt that maybe if he goes out with someone else he will realise that what we have is far more precious and he would not do so again.

I feel so stupid right now.

I stopped myself from asking him not to talk to anybody else because i felt i might fall in the same category of women men run away from….clingy and possessive. and also even though i don’t want to admit it but because i felt if i constrict him, he might leave.

you know the funny thing was that he told me he isn’t leaving even when i recently visited him.

I was a smart girl, but when it comes to him I have been really dense!!!

I feel you are right because he used to complain a lot about his mother saying that she calls him too much and was worried that soon she will be retiring from her job and then will all her focus which was 70% till now will be on him. Personally I liked his mum mostly because I admired her to have single-handedly raised a polite, intelligent, understanding man who respects women a lot but I feel I judged him too soon, he was never so far apart from her that he could take care of himself on his own, the moment one gets away from home, they develop their own personality, the loneliness, the daily struggles, a new job, a lot shapes us and makes us a different person. I think he needs time to know who really is and as for his mother, I will pray that he realises what she gave up on to have a life focused on him. She could have remarried, have had a life of her own but she did not.

maturity is what we both need.

You are right about me too Anita and this is why I have decided not to date or love again till I am sure I love myself enough to not be afraid of being alone. This is something which might have scared him too as he used to say this a lot – I cannot begin to think what you would go through if something happens to me like my dad.

I have started more time with myself, I have made some BIG plans for myself. I have been writing since I was seven years old and I have written many stories, but i never shared them with anyone. It wasn’t until my ex came to my life that he encouraged me to send them to magazines and writing contests. And boosted my confidence to the point that i decided to write a novel, a storty which has been with me since I was in high school and i started working on it last year itself. But due to my fear of Ends, I was not able to think of how to proceed with the end. I don’t know how but soon after he left, i got the idea of how to end it. And not just that, I got ideas for two more novels in the same series. Apart from that I have always wanted to travel, and I have decided to save up to go on a solo trip. Already mentioned that on Happi’s post hehe…. I felt so good to talk to someone about this.

I don’t know how long I will love him, It is exhausting. This keeps the hope alive that he might call one day, he might text one day, tell me that he has figured things on his end and he wants to eat with me. I don’t want anything romantic with him nor am i willing to take him back right now, I just don’t want to feel this hope. He might meet me one day, he might not. I want to be the person I always been- helpful, kind, confident. I want to give hope to the world through educating young minds.

Thank You Anita for your words, they have enlightened me and also. I wish to get over this sinking feeling fast, it is taking a toll on my sleep and in turn my health but I am making efforts. Let’s see how long it will be!!

I am better now, I had an extremely low level of hemoglobin which my parents were determined that only right food can take care of. After 6 months of coming back home, when they realized that I am still not getting better then we consulted a doctor. It was then they realized how serious things were and I might die. Iron was injected into my body at monthly intervals and now I feel better in fact ever since February this year I feel energetic and attentive unlike before.

Yes, I do think I did the same thing. I feel like the pressure of his job, me, his mother, everything was too much to handle. But I have spent a month in guilt, thinking how I pressured the guy I loved with all of me away and that was not helping me in moving on. At first I did not want to accept the breakup, I thought he would come back(We used to break up in initial days to get back together within 20 mins to an hour- there has been only once when we spent one complete night and morning not talking, In the afternoon he called and said that let’s stop the dramatics, we both know we cannot stay away and we would end up laughing at things we said) We have spent some really good times together and when I used to go visit him, he used to be like this crazy carefree kid around me.

I really think he needs some time on his own but the fact that he did not call even once makes me feel bad about myself. Even the men who left for various reasons like career and other women used to text me when they needed a friend. I try to think that it does not bother me if he is dating other women and I even think what if we meet somewhere and he is with a girl, and I feel that seeing him happy would give my heart some peace but the fact that I am in a different city altogether and He does not wish to talk to me, unless there is some need to- is breaking my self-esteem. Every day I wake up thinking today will be better, at least better than yesterday but no, It never becomes better. Every night I feel like calling him, asking him how he is, but my pride or ego, I give you the liberty to use either, makes me switch off my phone to avoid the anticipation.

He used to take my help in his work and he made me feel like his superhero.  I had started a little nagging when suddenly he did not want to pursue his MBA (something he had planned ever since in college), started drinking more than usual(I was scared he might get into the habit) and when I wanted him to manage his expenses better… I did not complain about the money I spent on his meals, I do that for my friends too but recently before I left my city to meet him the last time- I lent him a little larger sum than usual and told him specifically it is my savings for my sister’s wedding gift. He said he is very thankful and he would return it soon. My sister is getting married in July and we are not on talking terms for a month and half. I feel it will be so rude if I ask for it and asking for it would mean I have to talk to him. Knowing him, he will try to return everything at once even if it meant skipping meals for days.

Why I am thinking so much!!!!! I honestly don’t want to care about him the same way he doesn’t care about me anymore but I don’t know how to gauge my thought process. Being busy does not help. It is just that I had always pictured him to be so strong that ever since I met him, I always thought of him as my life partner. And now I feel like not talking to men for as long as I can avoid it.

Sorry for doing this, again and again, my brain goes on in a loop and I keep writing it all down.

Thank you, Anita, for being so patient with me and reading everything I have to say! I really cannot thank you enough!

He has a job and he invested most of it in mutual funds, when he shifted to the new city, he used some large sum of money on food and lodging, I mean he could have spent less but this was a difficult topic to talk to him about.

some months i ordered food three-to-four times a month, while other months once a month.

I don’t have an exact amount I have lent him all through last year but I remember vaguely lending him 3k on one occasion and 5k on another.  This year onwards I lent him 6k online and gave him 2k in person.

He said he would return it and he used to try paying for my expenses whenever I came to visit him but not the entire amount.