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I don't know what I want

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  • September 3, 2014 at 6:02 pm #64346
    august
    Participant

    I feel absolutely lost, like I’m just stumbling around in a heavy fog without anything to hold onto. And the kicker is, when something is within “reach,” I let go. I don’t know why. I just do.

    I turned 29 over a week ago and well, I’m still stuck in the same place. Job leads that turn into dead ends, living with family because money is tight, and generally nothing to look forward to each day. I’ve struggled with depression for more than 15 years and each setback was more severe than the last. Some of my family and friends have died, both unexpectedly and not. In other words, it’s been a life with more downs than ups.

    I had ambition and a lot of big dreams after graduating high school, but they gradually ebbed to nothing. Now, I just feel empty and numb. I try and try to get my fire started again with some new goals and solid plans, but it’s usually gone by the next day. It’s been so frustrating and sometimes I get angry with myself for being such a loser, even though I know it’s a self-defeating thought process.

    The last “crisis” I had was when I fell in love with someone online who turned out to be a catfish.

    Nowadays, I’m trying to focus on getting the hell out of the Midwest to Austin, TX. I really do want to build a good life on my terms there, but on some days–like today–I just lose the motivation or lose track of my goals. I kinda want to go back to school and focus on getting a degree in electronics engineering, but beyond that, I don’t know. It doesn’t exactly make me feel alive. Even the prospects of living on my own, a reliable car, and a regular paycheck just don’t excite me.

    I wish I knew what the hell was wrong with me. I wish I could feel driven everyday. I wish I had the energy to make things happen for myself.

    September 3, 2014 at 8:09 pm #64352
    Matt
    Participant

    August,

    I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand the the way low points can seem to mire us in a swamp. Very quickly, hope drains into hopelessness, dread sets in, and our light dwindles. Don’t despair, dear friend, for even though the shadows seem long, hope is never far off, and with hope, anything is possible. 🙂 A few things came to heart as I read your words.

    Consider that when we go through tough times, we often forget to make space to grieve and heal from them. We try to tread onward, like walking with blisters, and each step feels painful. No wonder you say you’ve had more downs than ups! Perhaps you’ve walked by a hundred flowers, but never seen one, always tending those blisters, grumbling. Very normal, usual, and expected. Consider how pain has a way of turning us toward our feet, trying to grab our attention that something is amiss. Emotional blisters are the same.

    The heal them, consider learning how to let go of the past, grieve and be done with old losses. We don’t have to carry it around like a weight, instead we can breathe, make space, cry it out, and be done with it. Instead of trying to hide or run from the feelings, we can sit with them, just accepting “this is here now”, and let emotions flow in and out. As we breathe with it, the memories and the love remain, the way your friends and family’s lives meant something to you, but the pain of it can grow from sharp to dull to a scar as it heals.

    For a turbo charge of your inner hero, the heart light you’re trying to attune to, consider starting a metta meditation practice. Metta helps us reframe our thoughts, thinking happy thoughts on purpose, having happy thoughts automatically, then appreciative joy as happy feelings begin to blossom. From there, its just a matter of investing your happiness wisely, using your rekindling light wisely. When we don’t know what to do in “the big picture”, such as what career to find feeling swampy and stale, its good to refocus smaller, looking for a way that you can make the world a better place for yourself and especially others, today. Perhaps make your mom a card, open a door for someone, help an old lady across the street, volunteer at a soup kitchen… anything really, look around, jump in, lend a hand. 🙂 Consider “bhante gunaratana guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested. He explains and guides well, and has an accent, so listen close! 🙂

    Namaste, friend, may you find your blue skies.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    September 4, 2014 at 2:35 pm #64395
    august
    Participant

    Matt,

    Thank you for the thoughtful reply.

    The idea of sitting alone with my “blisters” and letting emotions pass by just terrifies me because it seems like there will be a lot of pain to deal with. I’ve always done okay at compartmentalizing this and that, but maybe that’s why I’m here. When it comes to getting in touch with my emotions, I tend to disconnect.

    I want to say I’ve been trying to solve my problems, but avoidance isn’t exactly a solution, is it? I’ll give metta meditation a try.

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