Hi Christina,

I feel your pain and empathize completely. But, believe me, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. It may not come today, tomorrow, or it might take longer for you to reach it, but the inner peace and serenity that you’re looking for is out there. I truly believe that there is a calm place inside all of us and if we could only find a moment everyday to sit in silence in eye of the hurricane that’s spinning around us, we’ll be able to find the strength we need when the winds of chaos pull us into their vortex.

Find strength in the knowledge that you knew and loved your aunt, that you’re getting the professional help you need to deal with your mental illness, the empathy that you feel for your father as a result of his illnesses both mental and physical, and the recognition that the man you have developed feelings for is not right for you and that you deserve better. You may not see it, but you’re already heading in the right direction.

Never forget, you are are good person and your potential to do good for others and receive the love you deserve knows no bounds.

In times like these, I’m reminded of my favourite quote by Winston Churchill, “If you’re going through hell, keep going.”

Christina that isn’t Christina,

I know that it feels dark and twisted in this moment, and am very sorry for the struggles you’ve been going through. Feeling empty and alone is terrible, and in my eyes you’re doing amazing all things considered. In addition to John’s heartfelt advice, a few words came to heart as I read your story.

The first is that you say you do not have hope, joy or love. That must be very painful and isolating! Sometimes we have to hit bottom before we can throw our hands in the air and decide that whatever it is that we’ve been doing is not working. When you say “I don’t have”, what I hear is “I wish for” or “I hope for”. So, your past strategy has left you without a feeling of love, hope, joy or inner peace. That’s not a bad starting point, because you very much want them. That means you’ll have motivation to grow and nurture them! See how fertile you actually are for growth!

Inside each of us is the possibility to grow those things. You have a sacred space in your heart that yearns to be open and free. We also all have a part of ourselves that we don’t like, as you said the inner Midas that feels like it turns everything to shit. Those of us who figure out that when it becomes too heavy we can choose to let Midas go are the ones who turn breakdown into breakthrough, build our wings and fly. You are one of those, and in coming here, recovering from depression, crying for your aunt… those are the strong heart inside you crafting your wings.

But, you’re also feeling pretty crappy which means you don’t know how to fly! I refuse your notion that you can’t fly… most of us feel we can’t, but all of us can. Said differently, when Buddha awoke to the nature of mind, he recognized that the seed of the Buddha is in all of us. Most deep lookers and spiritual guides say the same, that there is a song inside each person… that even though it may go unnoticed for years, it is never extinguished and always singing… we just drown it out with noise.

So, enough with the out there mumbo jumbo, I’m sure you need something much more tangible than words on a page, you need something to do, an action to take, a path to walk! Consider for a moment that joy is not something we can have, possess… but rather an energy that flows through us. When we feel the world is tasteless and empty, we have to get that energy moving again! One thing that works for me is getting in front of a mirror and being goofy. Flap your arms, wiggle your body, make quacking noises… shake and twist and bounce and sing. Yes, its ridiculous. Yes, its goofy. But it is often the cure for a heart that has become far too serious. 🙂 As you watch yourself being silly, perhaps you’ll get a glimpse of the inner child who is desperately looking to come out and play.

Another action to try is to apologize to your body parts and wish them well. Don’t scoff, I mean it! Take your left foot in your hands and say “thank you my dearest left foot, you have been a good foot, always carrying my weight… I’m sorry for not loving you and wish you happiness.” Then take you right foot in your hands and “thank you right foot for helping me move forward, I’m sorry I haven’t been loving to you and I wish you happiness”. Then repeat for other parts, such as your eyes, ears, hands, heart, lungs, brain, arms, legs, breasts, elbows, knees, butt, mouth, etc etc. Take your time, there is no rush… and the energy of your kindness and well wishing to your body will help it remember that it is loved. After you finish with all the body parts, you can turn that warmth toward your whole being as well as other beings if you desire it!

Please don’t despair, my distant sister. Beyond the walls of habit is a deep love and joy that is calling to us. You’re in such a favorable position, because you are young, and now that you know how crappy it feels to be empty, you’ll not take your inner warmth for granted. So many others do, and never stop to look. Your pain has stopped you, and in looking around and figuring out what to do next you’re actually on a road of indestructible joy. Said differently, many people have no idea why they’re happy and stable, and because you’ll know why, you can grow your roots deep and strong.

Welcome to the family here at tinybuddha! I hope your stay is long and nourishing, and helps you realize you’re not alone. Many of us have walked through a dark night, felt despair and hopelessness. That is often the feeling that happens just before the wings flap, we let go of the past, and fly.

Namaste!

With warmth,
Matt

Hi Christina,

You are so much stronger than you know. And you showed some amazing courage reaching out here, typing your story and feelings and asking for support. That’s huge! I want you to know that I signed up to join the forums because of reading your message and wanting to encourage you to keep going. I’ve been struggling with anxiety and depression this last year so I know asking for support isn’t easy. Please know you can reach out anytime you need it.

So much love to you.

Wow! You sound like a powerhouse. I have been on tinybuddha for a month now, and your story touches me especially because I myself have been through similar things you have. I’m usually not that good with encouraging others, but you are strong and i commend you. Im 18, youre a few years older than me, and if I knew you, I would see you as a role model. You acknowledge your issues, which takes A LOT, you are honest with yourself, but I cant help but feel bad that you sell yourself short. You are strong, beautiful and PLEASE do not let anyone or anything make you feel any different. Everybody in life has a story, and you never know who may be touched by your story. You are a veryyyyy inspiring person, and I think things for you will get better. TinyBuddha is a blessing for a lot of us. Whenever you feel things are getting a little to hectic, just know the people on the forums [here] will always be here to give kind, guiding words. I hope this helped!!