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I don't know how to just trust again.

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  • August 20, 2014 at 10:21 am #63710
    LaReason
    Participant

    Long story short, I had a very emotionally difficult childhood in which my mother, someone who had loved me deeply and fully, passed away when I was 10 and no one seemed to want to take her place. I felt very alone throughout my childhood/adolescence, and when I got to college I fell in love with an emotionally abusive man who ended up leaving me after 3 and a half years of an up-and-down relationship. From this (and other lesser experiences) I have apparently come to believe that I am not worthy of love and that everyone who I love will eventually leave me and hurt me in some way.

    I am currently with an amazing, understanding and supportive man who has gone above and beyond to make me feel safe and wanted…yet I continue to mistrust him and sometimes my brain concocts the most horribly twisted and unbelievable scenarios of how he’s using me or cheating on me. I’m finding myself time and time again making mountains out of molehills and overreacting to the silliest things. I am so tired of feeling like the world is plotting against me when I intellectually realize that’s just not true. I know all of this is a fabrication of my mind but I don’t know how to stop it. When I meditate or practice mindfulness on a daily basis I feel better and better until something happens and I just explode with mistrust and anger. It’s like trying to better myself and rid myself of these thoughts just makes them worse.

    I can’t live in this mental prison anymore. Right now, therapy is not an option financially (however in the past I have tried therapy many times, and usually it has the same effect as meditation/mindfulness…I feel great, awesome, and then something triggers me and I just erupt).

    I just want to be happy and let myself experience the love that is right in front of me without constant fear and anxiety that it will be ripped away. I just want to be able to love him back in the way he deserves and not subject him to this roller coaster any longer. I want to be free from this but I just don’t know how.

    Please help, TB Community. You guys have been so wonderful in my journey so far and I really look forward to your suggestions.

    August 21, 2014 at 3:05 am #63748
    Will
    Participant

    It sounds like you’re doing all the right things. I think the mindfulness and meditation is doing you good, it’s just not an instant cure-all. You’re still going to have bad days. The trick is to recognise them as bad days, not final proof and evidence that you are irreperably broken and unable to love.

    Have you told him what you explained here in your message? It seems he’s your first and most important ally. Tell him about your worries. Let him know you’re working on learning how to trust and letting go of your anger and mistrust. He will want to help you.

    When you say, “I just want to be happy and let myself experience the love that is right in front of me” you ask for something very reasonable, and reacheable. But you may not always be there. No one is constantly happy and experiencing love, but hopefully you feel that way at least some of the time, at least for a moment. Treasure those moments. Remember them and accept them as signs that you are making progress, that you’re not forever trapped by your past and your suspicious mind. This can be a type of meditation too, where you remember feeling good about him and your relationship, and just smile because there is sweetness in your life.

    With time, hopefully those moments will become more common, and the outbursts less. And that’s what happiness looks like for most of us.

    Stay the course. May you be happy.

    August 21, 2014 at 10:35 am #63761
    LaReason
    Participant

    Will, thank you so much for your kind and encouraging response. I think it’s definitely important to remind myself that no one is happy all of the time. I think I have an idealistic view of what “normal” looks like and get down on myself when I can’t achieve it.

    I will definitely keep your tips with me at all times. Thanks so much again.

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