Dear Merry:

You wrote: “Today I read description to word ‘appreciation’.. a warm feeling in your gut, or butterflies.. I have never felt anything of that sort, ever. I laugh, I feel fun, feel angry.. Are there exercises to make myself feel those things? Or it is normal for some people to feel like this”?

Combining what you shared here and in your previous thread last month, I figure the following: like any child you did experience warm feelings, like appreciation, but because your mother hurt your warm, soft, tender feelings (“my mother.. she has narcissistic personality disorder and manipulated me through childhood”), these warm, soft, tender feelings went into hiding.

You are able to feel hard feelings (anger) and  emotional experiences that are not soft and tender, like fun and the following: “I feel guilt and disgust.. panic and fear.. depression”-

– but the warm, soft and tender feelings are in hiding much of the time. Does this read true to  you? I will be glad to answer your  questions best I can after I get your response.

anita

Dear Merry:

“I don’t know if my mum has something to do with this”, that is, with you not feeling certain feelings: warm, soft, tender feelings.

“I do have hard time experiencing things, even when I understand them.. even though I understand…I want to really feel”-

In your previous thread you wrote: “my mother.. she has narcissistic personality disorder and manipulated me through childhood”- this piece of information: that your mother has a Narcissistic Personality Disorder,  it is information that you rationally understand, but you don’t understand it on the emotional level.

If you understood it on the emotional level, you would know that it is impossible for a child to be manipulated her entire childhood by a narcissistic mother, and not be very significantly affected by this experience.

I am guessing that you are still either living with your mother and/ or you are communicating with her regularly. To live with/ regularly communicate with a woman who hurt you so much and for so long, you have to keep your emotional understanding/ your warm, soft and tender feelings hidden below your awareness.

What do you think about what you just read in my post, and what do you feel about it, if anything?

anita

Dear Merry:

I can relate to what you shared here. I too wasn’t able to feel those warm, soft, tender feelings. I wasn’t able to even after years of having no contact with my mother. What a surprise it was for me, to be able to feel these feelings without getting overwhelmed.

In the past, if I felt a warm feeling for anyone, there was a lot of distress attached to the warm feeling, it made me so uncomfortable. Fast forward, I can feel a warm feeling, such as empathy and be okay feeling it. It is a different life experience, to be able to feel and be okay with feeling these warm, soft, tender feelings.

Over time, I feel less and less anger and even fear, and more of these nice feelings.

My healing started nine years ago in the context of my first quality psychotherapy (it lasted over two years). I don’t think you shared about having therapy yourself.. (?)

Post again anytime, today, tomorrow, whenever you want and we can continue to communicate on the topic (or on any other topic)  for as long as you want to.

anita

Dear Merry:

You are welcome. Feelings are tricky- you can’t force them, they won’t listen to logic, and if you pressure yourself to feel this or that, they resist even more. Best thing when it comes to make a natural, unblocked flow of emotions possible is to not pressure yourself when it comes to feelings, not judging yourself negatively for failing to feel this or that, to keep yourself as relaxed as possible through a daily routine of exercise and guided meditation, which you started.

If you attend psychotherapy in the future, it will be helpful to gain more insight regarding your mother’s affect on you as a child, and within the safe atmosphere of quality, professional therapy, you will feel safe enough to bring hidden or muffled emotions to your awareness, expressing these emotions to your therapist.

In the context of this thread, you are welcome to post anytime. Maybe it will help you.

anita