Dear Jay-me:

You dated this guy who had a girlfriend, you wrote on this thread. In a previous thread you shared that you dated another guy who had a girlfriend, one who became the father of your child. It is not a good idea to date a man who is involved in another relationship.

The other guy you shared about here: he wanted to have sex with you right away, even before the first date. You refused but then almost apologized for refusing.

Reads to me like you feel unworthy of a man who is available to date only you, and that you feel unworthy for a man unless you have sex with the man, as if you… owe the man to have sex, so he doesn’t waist his time with you?

In a previous thread you mentioned the unfortunate fact that an older family member had sex with you when you were eight. You also shared that you always had a good, loving relationship with your parents. My question: during the sexual interactions with the family member, at eight, did you not share it with your mother or father, tell either one of them about it? If you did, how did they respond? If you didn’t, share, why didn’t you?

I am asking these questions because I am trying to get to know you better and be somewhat helpful.

anita

Dear Jay-me:

I understand the correction you made about the father of your child not having had a girlfriend at the time.

Regarding the sexual intercourse when you were eight- I am trying to understand: how much older than you was the guy? Did he tell you to not tell anyone?

If you didn’t feel it was wrong at the time, did you behave sexually with him in front of your parents (since you believed there was nothing wrong with it)? Did you tell your parents about it, simply because it felt nice?

And… are you in contact with this guy still, presently? What is the relationship with him like?

anita

Dear Jay-me:

I like your goal of raising your son in a positive environment, work on your emotional health and relationship with people, so that you bring the right people into your son’s life, not the wrong people. I like your openness and willing to explore your past in order to understand your present life and make for a better future.

I do not and will not judge the eight year old that you were when that sexual activity took place, neither do I judge you for any other part of your sharing here. So you are safe with me.

Your present behavior with men reveals to me that you don’t view yourself as a valuable, worthy person. I ask myself: why is this so? You wrote that your relationships with your parents was and is good. But then there is this curious aspect of the inner-family sexual experience at eight. I was wondering how it could be that none of your parents knows that it happened.

You wrote that you didn’t feel it was wrong at the time, meaning your parents didn’t teach you about sex by that time, that it should take place when you are older and that if a man sexually approached you before you are older, you should reject such approach and tell them about it. I wonder why they didn’t tell you that.

Here are a couple more questions, as this will take time exploring and examining:

1. Over how long did the sexual activity with the four year old older guy last- a few weeks, months? How often? I think you wrote you lived in his home at the time, and not with your parents. Is this correct?

2. Since you didn’t feel it was wrong at the time, how is it, do you think, that you did NOT tell one of your parent about that maybe fun, exciting activity, or game, that you didn’t share this experience with them?

anita

Dear Jay-me:

* You asked: “Do you think i am not sharing because deep down in my subconscious mind, i knew what was happening was actually wrong that is the reason i did no tell anyone?”

No, I don’t think you knew it was wrong, at the time. I don’t think you knew it was wrong and therefore you didn’t tell anyone. I don’t think you knew because you were not taught before it happened or while it happened (or after) that it was wrong.

If the activity physically hurt you, that would have felt wrong. If the guy threatened you with violence or was violent to you, then you would have known it was wrong. But if it wasn’t physically painful, and he didn’t threaten you with violence or exhibited violence against you, then you wouldn’t know it was wrong.

As a matter of fact, if you were a lonely child that didn’t get loving attention from others, his sexual attention to you (without pain or violence) was likely a good emotional experience, feeling good.

Please note: what he did was wrong and shouldn’t have happened even if he didn’t threaten or practice violence against you and even if it didn’t hurt. And I hope you do teach your son about sex early, as is appropriate to his age, so that he will be able to protect himself by saying No and by telling you about it.

* You asked: “If in the present moment i see it was wrong, and i still do not want to share with other people, do you think i cannot deal with it properly?”-

I think that the reason you feel unworthy in relationships with men is because you were a lonely child, unguided, untaught and unattended to, and not the sexual experience as a child (if there was no pain or violence). You wrote in your last post: “since i was a child i was not a sharing person, either i felt something was wrong or right i never shared most of the staff”- this is where I get that you were alone and lonely. I don’t believe you were born to be a non-sharing-person. I believe you had no one available for you to share with.

* You asked: “Do you think there is still something i can do to move away from this experience?
I would like to berry this past forever, is it possible?”- I think that the key for your healing is to no longer be alone and lonely and to share with a trustworthy person how you feel and what you feel, just as you’ve been doing here, in your thread. I think it is the Aloneness and Loneliness, since you were a child, that is the reason for your feelings of unworthiness.

anita