Dear Katie:

“I mentioned this in another thread before.. my mom said teachers thought I was autistic and that ‘something was wrong’ with me”- and like I posted you on that thread, your mother should not have told you that your teachers said that there was something wrong with you. First, it is not a professional thing for a teacher or school counselor to say to a parent: something is wrong with your child– it is simply not a language that is used by school professionals. Your mother telling you that is suspect to me, meaning I don’t think that’s what she was told by teachers.

“when I was young I apparently didn’t make eye contact”- what child or adult makes eye contact at all times, or even very often. People make eye contact, then eyes look elsewhere, distracted. Also, in my recent experience, there is a certain young woman that when I see her and she looks my way, I automatically move my eyes away from her, feeling uncomfortable to have eye contact with her personally, while I don’t have this reaction with other people.

“I read about something called ‘masking’ that a lot of autistic people.. do. It’s when they copy the thoughts and behaviors of the people around them.. I genuinely feel that is me”- masking is not unique to autism. 99.9% of people mask, for example, pretending to be happy when they are not, putting on a smile so to appear okay, while feeling miserable inside. Do you know anyone in your life whose every emotion shows on their facial and body expressions, in their voice and the words they use, all the time? I don’t know a single person that does, including myself.

“I’ve always been so shy and awkward in social situations (unless I’m really comfortable with the person)”- true to so many people. Regarding autism (the current DSM-5 diagnosis is Autistic Spectrum Disorder, ASD), like all other mental disorders, exist in a spectrum, and every person in the world is somewhere on the spectrum.

I will explain further: imagine a spectrum of one —> 100. ASD is let’s say, 55–>100. People who don’t fit the ASD diagnosis are then  from one —> 54. You and I are somewhere on the one–> 54 part of the spectrum, having in common behaviors and features with the 55–> 100 people (I made up the numbers).

See my point?

“I can say for a FACT that it was due to me copying behaviors of people around me… when I was around the age of 16, I decided I wanted to be social so I began copying the behaviors of popular, outgoing, cool people”- everyone does that to one extent or another- it is one of the behaviors in the  one–> 100 spectrum, and you are in the one–> 54 portion of the spectrum.

“Another reason is because a lot of the time, women with autism are diagnosed with autism AND another mental disorder.. anxiety, depression, OCD. I have a few too (anxiety, body dysmorphic disorder)”- anxiety is very common and it is in the core of most mental diagnosis. First there is anxiety, then symptoms develop. There is a book (DSM-5, in the U.S) that organizes all existing human symptoms into groups, calling one group of symptom this diagnosis, and another group another diagnosis. But people are not born with this or that disorder/ diagnosis. People experience anxiety early on, more than they are able to endure without damage, so symptoms develop, some of the symptoms stay lifetime, other symptoms go away while new ones develop later on.

“a lot of women with autism fall victim to abusive relationships”- but so do lots of women who do not fit the ASD diagnosis.

“I was actually very happy to discover I related to the symptoms because I clearly have difficulty living my life.. could this be the answer to all my ‘problems’?-

– you were “actually very happy” because you think that the ASD diagnosis can be “the answer to all” your problems. No wonder you feel very happy to think that you are close to answers to all your problems. But let’s say you get diagnosed and that the professional diagnosing you made the correct diagnosis, what happens then? I read that two of the therapies recommended for ASD are Cognitive behavioral Therapy (CBT), and social skills training- well, you don’t need the ASD diagnosis to attend therapy with a CBT therapist and social skills training.

“Please let me know if you think this could be a possibility and a solution for me”- I answered this above. To summarize: quality psychotherapy, be it CBT or another, including learning and practicing better and better social skills will help you, regardless of receiving this or that diagnosis. I see your core problem being anxiety, true to most people. Depression came after anxiety, as well as your body dysmorphic disorder and any other possible diagnosis.  Also, the great majority of people who do fit one mental diagnosis from the DSM-5 (as well as the DSM-4 before it) also fit another diagnosis, and often a few other diagnoses from the same book.

anita