Please, forgive my english for it is not my native language.

I don’t really know where te begin, so I thought I would start with this.

These past few months have been really weird sometimes. I thought I was depressed, there were moments I caught myself thinking: “What would happen If I was gone? Would anybody miss me?”  I was feeling numb at the end of 2016, like being pressed down by some kind of… force?  to be quite honest? It scared me. I talked about it with friends, and they stated: You need to get help. So I finally did. About four weeks ago, I started therapy. There was a waiting list for a few weeks, in that time I often contemplated about life. I started to look back on things and on myself. So, let me tell you all a story and the question: What am I? Am I on the right path with this?

After my parent’s divorce, I was diagnosed with PDD-NOS, It falls somewhere on the autism spectrum. My dad took me apart one afternoon, when I came back from school, and told me this. I just kinda shrugged and thought: “Oh, I guess it explains something about me?” Then I went one with my life. I was sensitive to sounds, for example, I would start to cry really loud whenever they wanted to renovate something in the house. Both my parents told me I was afraid of certain Items. As a little one, I would circle the table and stare up att the walls in the livingroom. There was this really big stationclock, and I would stare at it, terrified and silent, just circling the table. I can’t really remember this, I must have been about two years old a the time.

I have had some weird…things in my life. My mothers side of the family was peculiar. One uncle had drugproblems, but couldn’t do wrong in the eyes of my grandparents. One of my aunts had a son, he was about 1,5 years older then me, he was…odd. He grew up, and became a wifebeater. I also have a history with him. There are more things that are kinda off about that side. Anyway, back to the weird things. I don’t know if any of you really believe in the paranomal.

But I remember hearing my name being called as a little kid, must have been about 5 or 6. Just watching television, then clear as day, a female voice (I think sometimes there were more?) called my name. Not loud or agressive, quite gentle on the contrary. I asked my mother about this, she looked confused and said: “No, I did not call you.” This is just one example.

My dad told me this evening, while visiting him, that I was a child that could be quite difficult sometimes. I was stubborn, wouldn’t accept a time out, although they didn’t really punished me anyway like alot of other kids my age back then. I didn’t want to play outside until I was about 10, I always like to be on my own. Still do, although I do love my friends and even have one living near me with whom I like to spend time with. (She lives like…2 minutes walking distance from my place, I think.) I was the only girl in my class that liked playing (or was allowed to) videogames. I liked writing, still do btw, from the age of 8. I guess I just felt really alone? Sometimes I still do. Perhaps that’s why this story is getting longer then it should be? Forgive me.

I would often wander around the playground on my own, from ages 9 to 13. Then I went to a different school. From that time on, with everything combined from a mother that wasn’t really there for me, being bullied and feeling really awkward about alot of things. (for example, my mother would talk to me about her relationship with this dude I didn’t really like, when i was just a wee teen. asking me for advice.)

Now I have hit 25 and I….while the doubting started. I doubted my itenlligence, feeling really stupid. (Still do sometimes.) I thought I wasn’t usefull to anyone, thought I failed at live in general. There is alot more, but I feel this post is getting long enough as it is. Thank you, kind Internetstranger, for taking the time to read my story. I just felt like reaching out to others beside my friends.

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