Hi- I think there are a couple different things going on here that you may want to explore a little deeper.

Having a hard time moving forward when you break up after a long time together is not unexpected. I’m a year out from when my wife left and I still struggle with it. I think where the problem lies is that you continue to have contact with him when you don’t need to do so. You text him and talk to him, so of course those feelings you have are going to linger- he remains in your life. And honestly, he is seeing someone and saying he is scared and confused? Sounds more to me like he wants to keep his options open in case it doesn’t work out with the new girl He knows you’ll keep holding on, so why would he do anything different?

In my opinion, you may want to consider seeing a counselor to help you find ways to cope with the situation. I also believe you may want to look at some codependency sites and see if any of those traits look familiar to you. And check some of the blogs on this site regarding relationships and letting go. The few weeks I’ve been on here have helped me so much to see I can’t stop living my life because I don’t like what has happened and want my wife to come back. Letting go of her is the hardest part of this, but it must be done. I don’t have to like what happened, but nothing will ever change the fact that it has.

I’m sorry you have to go through this because it is a lousy feeling. I know how low the lows can go. But you can find balance and perspective. Keep looking forward and know that even if you take a step back, it is still a step in the right direction because it gives you a new way to look at things. Good luck!

Hi Ingrid!
you have to completely accept that your relationship with your ex is over. Nine years is a long time and getting over a relationship like that could be the most difficult thing to do. I would suggest that you should stop making any contact with him immediately. These small interaction give hope and hope create confusion which ultimately complicate our lives.
I did the same mistake what you are doing now. I kept my hope alive for my ex. We had a relationship of 8 years. My attempts worked and she came back to be.But now I regret why I chased her, I should have let her go. Even if you get back together relationship wont be the same as it was earlier. A string once broken can not be joined again, if you rejoin it the generated knot will hinder the early smoothness.

Check out this story, this might help you understand my point.

http://upsohigh.com/complete-acceptance/

Life is not just of 9 years.You have two choices. Either let go these 9 years right now and live your life as it never happened or cry for another 9 years and then regret for wasted 18 years for rest of your lives. Good Luck 🙂

Hi Ingrid. My relationship also lasted 9 years.we parted then got back together on many occasions. We both come dependent on each other. When we were apart jealousy took over,there would be emails, texts and phone calls accusing each other of cheating. i obsessed over him always wanting contact, needing that interaction no matter how small. We’d brought 2 dogs when we first meet, (he’d kept them) so that become another reason to bind us together. now I think we both found it difficult to let go. Eventually he meet someone new, and fell in love. There was no more contact between us.My jealousy was immense,I even wrote him a couple of letters, which wasn’t very nice. He’d ignore me if we meet in the street. that hurt more than anything. His sister is still one of my closest friends. So though her I;d hear occasionally about his life. I pretended to her I wished him to be happy. I eventually hared he’d got engaged, he’d never asked me to marry him. I realized I couldn’t hang onto what if anymore.It was over. One year later he got cancer and died aged 35. I still feel guilty 2 years on. In hindsight I wished I’d set him free. Our dogs are now looked after by his dad, I remain in contact with all his family, They never got to build a relationship with his girlfriend. I attend the anniversaries, Birthday, day he died ect. I visit his grave and apologize for my behaviour towards the end.
I should’ve got in contact when I heard how ill he’d become.his sister said he’s in ICU nothing could be done.
Time passes the guilt doesn’t.
Live your life Ingrid. no one knows when it’ll all be to late xxx

Ingrid,
You pretty much described my life, and just recently I figured out a way to break free from that habit. I agree with Jeff totally, he has made some very good points. I was looking on the website everyday see if he has been online, and he disappeared on me with no explanation! Not even a goodbye. My friends told me you need to contact him and demand for explanation he owes you that, but I knew myself and my pattern, and I was tired of it. So I did nothing, I felt like if he wants to be with me he will contact, nothing can do will bring him back, but I waited and tortured myself for a month, so finally the other day I realized;
It is getting harder to hold and wait than to let go, so I just did. I signed off that website, and stopped checking him all together. I am still sad and I still remember things and miss him, but I see it as a past, IT IS THE PAST.
This is what you should do as well, be sad, let yourself to grief over your letting go moments, miss the good times, but see it as a past, it’s done. This guy is keeping you around for rainy day, let him go. rip off the bandaid.

You said you know what you have to do but you can’t do it. So listen to your heart, it is your heart that wants to let go, it doesn’t’ want to hold on! That is your ego tricking you to think that is your heart, IT IS NOT. Remember what Caroline Myss says; It’s that voice that we don’t want to hear is our intuition… you know what to do, btu your ego is making you weak. Your true self don’t want to be with him, and I don’t believe you are in love with him anymore, you are just holding on to a pervious feeling and long time habit of loving him.
This trick has worked for me few times, anything you do for 21 days you will get use to it. Practice loving yourself for 21 days, you know you love yourself and not him, you know that.
Remember whatever energy you give out, you will receive back. Be that cool confident woman that your ex fell in love with, and you can attract a guy that deserves you. You don’t know what you want from your life because you have been living your life wanting to someone else’s desire(this is what I have been doing as well) And I finally broke free from it.
I made a decision last month, I am banning myself from going out with any guy, I am not allowed to want a guy or think about a guy or be with a guy or need love froma guy until I am totally happy with myself and my life. It’s like being an addict, me and you are addicted to love, we use love as to feel good about our lives, and it doesn’t work. It gives you a drunk feeling and it is not real.
I am working on building my life without anyone’s help, any guys attention, it is hard, cause I am breaking a long time habbit, ever since I remember I had attention of guys, and it was easy for me, so I got use to it, so I didn’t pay attention to myself, and my own life. I know, it is hard to break the habbit, but this is called a breakthrough.. the first step is to realize it.
I think you have been given the best gift of your life by your ex. And your heart has realized it but your ego and fear doesn’t wan to let it go.
Practice this and see how it turns out, you got nothing to lose; There are no men in this world, make yourself happy 🙂
I could write forever cause this is what I am working on as well. Let me know if you need to talk more I’m here
Love
Danubelle
http://www.danubelle.com

The more you read this same advice, I hope the more it sinks in. Don’t communicate with him anymore or you won’t be able to get over him. I am in a similar situation and have not had contact with my ex for almost two weeks after weekly communication for four months after our break-up. I can tell you that each day it gets easier. I am debating whether to respond or not the next time he contacts me (IF he does but I am committed not to contact him). I don’t want to be mean to him (he is a broken man — happened before me) but each time his name comes up on my phone it’s like ripping the scab off. Each day we don’t talk the wound heals a little bit …