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i don't even know anymore

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  • January 29, 2016 at 4:25 pm #94266
    Wisdom
    Participant

    i have too much of nothing much going on. i suppose i’m no one really. most of the time i’m not even noticed, and if i am noticed, it’s not for anything good. that’s the least of my worries i guess. i don’t have more serious problems like everyone else. actual things going on. the main thing is that i’m afraid to live life. i’m afraid that maybe i’m not supposed to have a job because i can’t get one…back to back rejection. maybe i’m not supposed to live successfully or just happily. i truly do feel that i’m supposed to be homeless. that there’s nothing to life but for me to be the one that was nothing to anything or anyone. i have no friends so i have no troubles there. there is someone that i really like but i’m probably nothing at all to them. i don’t even know if i exist to them anymore. it’s been a really long while since i’ve spoken to them and i’m afraid to say anything to them and have them forget my name or who i am at all. it’s something i don’t want to talk in depth about for a million people to see. something i’d rather talk about in a more closed situation. i just don’t feel quite right. i don’t feel like i fit anywhere at all. i feel like i’m being moved through some kind of spiritual system. like a pawn. like i’m not important at all and i’m afraid. i have lots of goals, really little, that i make seem so big, but i’m both too afraid to reach them and too afraid that i won’t reach them. mainly because i feel that’s what god wants. on top of all this i feel like people are watching me. like people can tell what i think and that i’m a nuisance. i feel like a joke and that people are only trying to hurt me and make fun of me. i’m doing my best to just get out of college already (community college, so people i went to high school with are there and it feels terrible). i just don’t want to be seen by anybody. i am very confused and if this made any sense to anyone, i really hope someone could help me. with any part of this.

    January 29, 2016 at 6:21 pm #94270
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Wisdom:

    If you close your eyes and knew that when you opened them, you will have the life you wish, what kind of life will it be?

    Can you do that and write to me what you saw, please!

    anita

    January 29, 2016 at 7:49 pm #94281
    Wisdom
    Participant

    anita –

    the only life i’d say i want is the life god would want for me. unfortunately i don’t have a clear, planned out vision of exactly what house i would want or what job and things like that. i’m actually struggling with what to major in. i just want to do the right thing which i feel god has. although that almost contradicts what i’ve said earlier, i’m not really sure how god works. i feel that he is kind of fickle with me. i feel that he is always by my side ready to help me, but i also feel that at times (which are lots of times) he would change his mind about me. i think just making art is what i’d want. just to make art and live comfortably. which is farfetched and almost unrealistic. it’s more of a retirement plan, huh? a life where i don’t necessarily work but i keep busy.

    the only thing i could say that i really want is a person. that one person that i like, but that’s a thing i feel is pending, although i feel like this person could be what they call “the one”. maybe it’s all a little crush, but this is the third year in and i still like them just as much as i did three years ago.

    January 29, 2016 at 8:15 pm #94284
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Wisdom:

    As a child you were made to feel like a pawn, a nuisance, not important… you were neglected, not attended to… not important in the family you were born into. So you figured you were those things, not important, that it was the reason you were treated as not important. That was the message you were given and that is the message you accepted, as all children accept, without question, the messages they receive.

    It takes a process of healing from that kind of message, healing from that kind of injury. Because you were born and you were an important, valuable child, a loving and lovable child and you were treated as if you were not these things. That is the injury.

    Truth is, you are still as always important, valuable, loving and lovable right this moment, and every moment no matter how differently you feel. Wisdom, your user name, is about becoming aware of this, becoming aware that you already have all that you wish you had.

    How do you feel about what I wrote here?

    anita

    January 29, 2016 at 8:22 pm #94286
    Wisdom
    Participant

    also, i’m not confident in my art enough for me to be on a basquiat level, so i’m not considering making money off of it. or expecting that anyway. and i’ve tried an art class in school, but i felt limited in what i could do so i decided not to major in that. just today my mom is irking me about “giving up” on work study and i feel pressured to do so many things. i just feel tired of trying to get jobs and all when no one hires or even calls. and this is not me saying i give up on it. i’ll try again. i definitely have more than enough time for it. but i feel like god is telling me i’m a failure. that i won’t be anything. i can’t get a job, i can’t get or keep a friend. i’m nothing…but then again he’s by my side. i feel like it’s a cycle he likes to see me run through over and over again.

    January 29, 2016 at 8:31 pm #94287
    Wisdom
    Participant

    i am only just seeing that you wrote back as soon as a sent a thought i should’ve put in before. i think that makes sense. i think that maybe i’m too impatient at the same time. the process seems to be taking too long, but then now that i think about it, i guess there could be things that i need to do to get to the next phase in life. i like to know that there are struggles that i have to go through because you learn from them. i try to remind myself that everything is written and there are no mistakes, but i also feel that there could always be things that we can change in what we’ve chosen before we were born. thank you by the way anita!

    January 29, 2016 at 8:40 pm #94288
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Wisdom:

    I need to get off the computer for the night. Will be back tomorrow. Before I go for now: can you tell me what religion do you practice so that I can understand better your beliefs about god. A god that is telling you that you are a failure does not make any sense in context of any religion I know.

    Also, can you tell me about how you were treated as a child and still, treated by your parents? After all, a child does look up to a parent as a … god.

    I hope to read from you tomorrow. I would like very much to be of some help to you!

    anita

    January 30, 2016 at 4:58 am #94298
    Wisdom
    Participant

    good morning anita –

    i don’t practice any one religion, but i do believe in god. that he is here or there. i still have lots to learn spiritually and i know this kind of thing takes lots of time. at the moment i’d say i look at god as more of a friend than a mythical character because we’re supposed to build a relationship with him.

    my parents seemed to be really nice to me. i feel like they tried to do the best they could. i’m the oldest. once they had my little brother i felt that he was the favorite. everyone’s favorite. my parents didn’t neccessarily neglect me, but i don’t feel a close connection with them. i think these problems came moreso from school and acquaintances. i never had any true friends i could hang out with and i never fit in. i used to get laughed at and talked about. i still do actually lol. it’s funny because people are so immature but i still can’t tell if these people really are better than me. whether i’m one step ahead of them or if they’re a million steps ahead of me. i always felt behind and i’ve always felt stupid but i don’t know where that feeling came from. and many things i feel i can’t share with other people because i feel like they’ll steal from me. like as if i can’t be myself without someone trying to leech me. it’s so bad now that i feel people know what i think and or are watching me. the only friend i ever had was my grandpa, but i knew him for a very short time and he passed away. it’s been hard to find any friends at all. everyone seems to just want to know answers to tests in school these days. an actual conversation is something i probably won’t get at school. i know this is a whole chunk of stuff but i think that it all might connect to something to make more sense of things.

    January 30, 2016 at 8:13 am #94303
    Amanda
    Participant

    You should have left him the moment he hit you. You are in an abusive relationship and staying with him isnt going to benefit you, your son or him. You said you took him to retreats for anger and it only worked for a short period of time then it came back, well if it came back then that means he needs to work on himself BY HIMSELF, you were doing your best as a spouse to try to help him get through whatever he was going through even though he was negitively effecting you. I know its going to be hard for your son to witness a divorce at such a young age . but it will benefit him in the long run, and he will then view you as a strong positive woman figure, rather than someone weak who was too afraid to stand up to their own problems. If you stay with your husband , your son might also develop abusive behaivoral issues in the future, thinking that its okay to hit women because his father did it, thats just how the mind works. I really hope that you do leave him, you dont deserve to be depressed, and the fact that youre writing on this forum asking strangers for help means you already know what to do… Please take care of yourself and your son, i wish you the absolute best, and i hope you make the right decision .

    January 30, 2016 at 10:11 am #94323
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Wisdom:

    I appreciate your posts here and that conversation you wrote you can’t have at school, I hope we can have it here!

    I do hope your understanding of god evolves so you no longer think a friendly god will call you a failure, but instead will promote a realistic, true understanding of who you are, and that is: a loving and lovable, worthy person!

    Your relationship with your parents, unfortunately, as you indicated, was not a close one. You didn’t fit into, didn’t feel connected and valued in your original world, your family, so no wonder you feel disconnected, not fitting into the bigger world.

    But here, on this thread, maybe you will develop a feeling of being connected, fitting in, being valued. I will treat you here respectfully, always. Because I deeply believe that you are those things that I wrote: loving, lovable, worthy.

    Please post again… and again, as many times as you wish and I will respond every single time.

    anita

    January 30, 2016 at 10:20 am #94324
    Wisdom
    Participant

    i can’t stress enough how thankful i am for your help anita. thank you so much for taking your time to both understand and help me and even acknowledge me. and i also thank you for all your kind words and belief in me. i do plan to build my relationship with god to a more balanced and positive standing and i definitely will post more if there is anything else i need help on. thank you so much anita and i really hope you have a nice day!

    January 30, 2016 at 10:57 am #94330
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Wisdom:

    I appreciate your kind words of appreciation of me! I like it that we both appreciate each other. Please do post anytime!!!

    anita

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