I could use some advice - feeling bummed about relationships

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This topic has 5 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 11 years, 5 months ago by Skylark.

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October 30, 2013 at 9:03 am #44575

NicciK
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I really like myself. I don’t feel that I’m egotistical, but rather a really good natured person and I honestly do my best to give to people I care for and give back to the community. I’m involved and have a lot of friends who appreciate me and I appreciate them. I can’t seem to find love in a relationship for some reason.

I just had a blow out with a guy I was dating last night because he didn’t ask me how an interview I went on went and he forgot we were supposed to carve pumpkins last night and invited his assistant over to teach him how to make dumplings. I know it sounds silly, but this is a tradition I have every year and it means a lot to me. Last weekend I was in a yoga performance. He didn’t bother to ask me how that went until after I was in bed for the night. When he does something or when I first see him, I ask him how his day was or how his event went.

Last night after my boyfriend and his assistant were sitting fairly close eating dumplings, and discussing things I had no input on, I grabbed my pumpkin and decided to leave. He came outside and asked me what my problem was. I told him I was angry because I want and deserve someone in my life who is interested in me and wants to be involved and ask me about things that are important to me without my prompting. He told me he is tired of fighting with me and told me I am overreacting. He watched my yoga video. Isn’t that enough? It’s not enough for me. I want to be appreciated and to give appreciation and love back to someone.

Why is it so difficult for me to find this in my life? I feel like I keep attracting emotionally unavailable men in my love life, which is strange to me because I feel I have plenty of love in other areas. I just don’t understand how I can look at this differently to come to a solution.

Thanks for your help.

October 30, 2013 at 9:44 am #44584
Rashmi
Participant
Well Nicci where do I begin? Often times when something isnt working for us, its best to start looking inside to understand what it is that we are doing wrong to not get the results that we want to see in life. It takes two to tango and it is by no accident your relationship is the way it is. The current dynamic in your relationship was created by the both of you through your beliefs and actions which obviously controls the way you both interact with each other. That means you need to take responsibility for the role you’ve played in creating the current dynamic in your relationship
Sounds like you suffer from lack of acceptance. That means your suffering is self inflicted. Instead of accepting people and situations for the way it is, you’ve added your own twist to the story. You also suffer from something we refer to as nice girl/guy syndrome. Which basically means you’re nice to people because you expect something in return. Silent contracts you make with yourself are called covert contracts. It is when you do XYZ for someone because you expect ABC from that person. These are not healthy and of course the other person has no clue about these contracts so when they fail to live up to your expectations you start resenting them
Second point, is your victim mentality. You seem to think life is unfair and you’ve been dealt a bad hand in life. When reality that is not the truth. You have total power over how you react to all situations. Responding to life situations instead of reacting gives us power to chose. The power of choice allows us the ability to experience life the way we want to, instead of feeling like we’re spiraling out of control.
I know I sound like a total asshole but I dont think I should sugar coat this for you. It’s a tough wake up call but you’re fed up with how things are now means deep down you know what you’re doing is wrong. I would apologize to this guy if I were you. Sounds like he genuinely cares about you.
Acceptance is a tough pill to swallow but once you break through your limiting beliefs you will be able to have the relationship you want. It takes a lot of patience and a lot of work
Good luck!
- This reply was modified 11 years, 5 months ago by tinybuddha.
- This reply was modified 11 years, 5 months ago by tinybuddha.
October 30, 2013 at 10:13 am #44586

NicciK
Participant

Thank you for your take on the situation Rashmi, however I don’t agree with your assessment. I have communicated my needs, and everyone has needs in a relationship. There is nothing wrong with that. I cannot feel that he really cares about me when he has absolutely no interest in my life. People that have an interest in your life contact you and ask you because they care. You cannot have a good relationship with anyone if it is one sided. It has to be give and take.

Last night I wasn’t hostile. I just explained how I felt. I think it’s possible that some people are not meant to be together and I’m not going to settle for someone who doesn’t meet my basic needs. I really enjoy my life, however I can’t seem to get this love thing on track, so no I do not feel that I have been dealt a bad hand in life. I would just like more commitment and affection from my partners and I’m not sure why I’m not attracting this. I feel that I try to put that out into the universe…

I am looking at myself and that is why I put this question out there. I’m trying to find different perspective on the situation and I don’t really feel that your assumptions about me have been very helpful at all.

October 30, 2013 at 1:02 pm #44603

Kathy
Participant

Hi NicciK-I can totally understand how you feel the way that you do. Sometimes people don’t realize that it’s hurting another person. I think that if you spoke to him and said how it makes you feel and not pointing out what he does wrong that it might help. Communication can be a hard thing for some people. Good luck 🙂

October 30, 2013 at 1:45 pm #44604

Jade
Participant

Unlike Rashmi I don’t believe you’re in the wrong here. You have needs and desires, you spoke up that you felt your needs were not being met, and instead of trying to compromise or find a solution, this guy became defensive and invalidated your desires.

I recently did a test called the 5 Love Languages, which breaks down how we communicated love with another person. For me, my love language is Quality Time. It sounds like for you, it’s Words of Affirmation. In identifying your love language, you can better communicate what you need from a partner in order to feel happy with the relationship. Give it a shot! http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

November 1, 2013 at 2:11 pm #44749

Skylark
Participant

I think you need to contemplate on your “needs”.
Most of the time, these needs are concepts and beliefs we have accumulated over the years from various kinds of romantic comedies, people’s advice from their own perspectives and sometimes our past relationships.
If you see into the illusion of what you claim to be are your “needs”, relationships will become easier for you as you will start to expect less and thus, hurt less.
Find you before you find love. In the realest sense. Not just what you like to eat, wear etc.
BUT WHO YOU ARE

I found Mooji’s advice valuable,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uH7AxVnYFfM

Goodluck 🙂
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