Douglas,

I’m sorry for the chaos and meaninglessness you experience, and know how difficult it can be to maintain the momentum for a dream our heart does not get behind. Sometimes when we’ve tried and given up many dreams, we feel a fear that there is no dream in our heart, that no path offers us joy. Don’t despair, dear brother, there is always a path to joy. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

There is a term that is often now thrown around casually called namaste. It means, basically, that the Buddha in me bows to the Buddha in you. Its used as an honorific, as a greeting. For me, however, it represents a fundamental truth of humankind. Inside each of us rests the potential to become a buddha… to become a hero of love and light. However, as you’ve noticed, our mind can be chaotic and heavy. Thoughts race here and there… our failures accumulate into criticism, self immolation, and panic. This is normal and usual, and there is nothing about you that is odd or unusual. Yes, you are stuck. Yes, you have a chaotic mind. That’s fine, it happens to most of us. The problem most of us face is we think its because of the outside. The shitty grocery job you hate, the loss of momentum in basketball, the wishing to sleep for years… these are not the source of your problems, they are the symptoms. This is actually good news, because a good job or a dream you can follow is also not the solution. The solution is learning to quiet your mind, to intentionally cultivate happiness inside you. Then, grocery or basketball, here or there, sleeping or awake, you will carry your happiness with you.

My guess is that you are highly empathetic. Said differently, perhaps why the dreams have faded so quickly for you is because you intuitively know that the result won’t bring you joy. This is such a great starting point, brother, because it allows us to sidestep the trap of materialism. Said differently, because your dreams have failed to come true, you’re in a place to see that dreams coming true doesn’t bring us happiness. The happiness is inside us or not, depending on what we do with the time we have.

That being said, its all just hibbity jab theory until something actually changes in the way we feel and think. You asked for a starting point for your path of recovery, and that starting point is putting your butt on a meditation cushion and learning how to wield your body. That’s where the magic is, dear brother, not in money or fame. Consider a two part solution. The first is in learning to concentrate your attention, which is done through breath meditation. Consider searching for “ajahn jayasaro counting breaths” on YouTube. This will provide a practical, doable instruction on using your brain to concentrate. Often, (such as attempts to meditate in the past) instead of using the cushion to our benefit, it unintentionally becomes a time where we just bounce through thoughts over and over, like watching a chaotic movie with no plot. However, intention is not enough, it needs to be skillful intention. So, start with counting breaths, and as you learn what a quiet mind is like, you can switch to just breath meditation.

The second aspect of the path of healing is a metta practice. Consider searching YouTube for “guided metta meditation” and checking out (following along with the actions and visuals described) a few of them. Metta is the energy of loving kindness, and is the fuel our heart needs. You complain that you feel icky and stagnant, which seems like a never ending swamp of broken dreams and visions. Its not. That’s just the feeling that arises when we are emotionally hungry, and do not know how to find food. Metta is the food. What metta will do is turn your mind away from the outside as a source of light, as though a better job, a more vibrant dream will give you the joy you seek. Instead, it grows the light inside you, so that no matter where you go, the light will be inside you, the joy deep and strong.

If you were to consider these as the equivilent of physical therapy exercises, don’t despair if the results at first seem to fade quickly or are difficult to stabilize. It takes time. My suggestion would be to do about 20-30 minutes of metta practice as early in the day as you can, then counting breaths for 10 minutes immediately following if you can. This will help your mind become calm, peaceful and smooth, which will make it fertile to experience the joy that is available all around and within you. Even only a week of such a practice should provide a lot of relief and change, and you deserve such tender care after the shadowy path you’ve been through.

Good luck, and feel free to ask more questions! Its a great way to learn. Namaste, brother.

With warmth,
Matt

This is my very first post, having just discovered and registered to this site within the last half hour. I came to the site through a link on Psych Central, to which I subscribe for newsletters. It seems possible to me that you are clinicially depressed, and that feelings of low motivation, loss of interest and pleasure in things you previously enjoyed, and the feeling that life is a corridor of locked doors or that the mind is a cloud of chaos could clear up with the appropriate treatment. I wonder if a site for spiritual seekers might not have a bias against psychoactive medications, so I hesitated before answering, But if you haven’t seen a doctor yet I strongly feel you should consider doing so. I have noticed when recovering from depression that one of the first things to return is the zing of pleasure I get from listening to music. Talk therapy, especially cognitive therapy, is also extremely helpful, and is far more targeted to your particular situation than anything you can receive online. This is not to say that the posts from Joseph, Matt or Al are not wise or helpful, every post was very good. Since my experience is with a mood disorder that has responded well to talk therapy and medication, this is where I am coming from.
I turn 51 on Tuesday, it seems like yesterday to me that I was 21. I hold you in tender regard.

Hey Douglas,

I know how it is to come out of formal education so scarred that it’s hard to take joy in anything any more. The good news is, having it all figured out, becoming some famous musician (or writer, or whatnot) and living happily ever after is a total illusion.

Eckhart Tolle has an interesting idea that we have two purposes in life. One is the outer purpose, what you do, and that changes depending on you circumstance. The other is your inner purpose, which is the same for all of us. The inner purpose is to awaken – to find joy in being right here right now, shutting up your mind and not worrying about the past or the future. That’s it. Just be quiet, present, and find happiness.

Thich Naht Han also has some really good books on being okay where you are. Just breathe, look for the good in this moment (for example, you probably aren’t being trampled by wildebeast as you read this… that’s an up side, right?), and let go of needing to know. No one really knows.

Once you’re okay, make exploring your purpose for a while. Seek what brings you peace and happiness. And know that, while you can pretty much always find peace and happiness in the moment, there is something out there for you. Deepak Chopra has an interesting theory that we all have this unique way of serving the world, and we just need to focus on how what we love and are good at can be used to help others.

You are awesome at something the world needs. You just don’t know it yet. But one thing I’ve learned – it is *never* some career catalog skill. You are way too unique to just be good at music. And even once you find it… it won’t guide your life. Being a good person and being happy is an entirely separate pursuit from finding a skill to dedicate yourself to learning.

If you meditate… or if you just want to try it… it helps me sometimes to ask the universe for guidance, and then just sit down, be quiet, and wait for a few hours. Sometimes we are too busy looking for answers to hear what the universe is saying. So just ask, stop looking, and be quiet for a bit. Your heart does know the way (as they say), but it doesn’t speak in words. So practice listening in it’s language.

You’ll find it Douglas. An on the up side, you are way ahead of a lot of people who think they have it all figured out, who won’t realize they aren’t doing what brings them meaning for another 30 years. You are looking. You are exactly where you need to be. I promise. 🙂