Dear Fatima,

I wish i could sit down with you and just chat with you about how we both feel. My childhood and teenager experience was one of self hatred and failures. A dad who was not approachable in any way and a mum who “doesn’t believe in depression “I was the stereo-typical classroom weakling, ugly, seven stone  and 5 foot tall and the pain of PE classes and having to wear a vest still to this day make me shudder. I left school and bounced from job to job eventually finding one in a local factory where upon the opening ceremony of a new building i was thrown around by a group of men like a rag-doll in front of their laughing wives/partners. And was told that i would never lose my virginity, get a girlfriend. I stuck it for 10 years and during that time took up boxing and training to improve myself  and a lot of the bullies left me be. At the age of 27 i left the factory for a new challenge. I re-trained to be a tree surgeon, which in hindsight was a huge mistake, and met the only girl who i felt ever looked at me let alone want to sleep with me and married her. I had a fairly settled period for a time but the negative thoughts and experiences have always been an anchor pulling me down and they never go. After a couple of career moves which were not good for me i then found myself in a job with people who i despised and were lazy/dishonest but i really tried and the pay was good, my wife does not work so……and guess what? I was made redundant and they kept their jobs! I then had the worst 3 months ever trying to find work which for a 44 year old tree surgeon is not easy (young mans game and i have injuries!) The company interviewed me as part of the redundancy process and they offered me a promotion. I was desperate to leave but felt that i had no choice but to stay there due to fact we had just remortaged and i had used up my savings to move to a bigger home for our children. I was thrown into this job with no real training and have been shouted at for not doing it right, even though my manager is worse than useless. I had one more job on the back burner which i was due to start Friday and guess what? This morning a friend came over to get some of my paperwork and informed me that in the re-structure i have kept the manager who has removed whet little hope, self respect and optimism i have. One hour after turning down the other job, which i knew i could but pays so much less that i have no choice but to stay where i am…… I can not tell you how many times i have googled best way to kill yourself, lost all hope etc. I hate myself to a point that even looking at my kids cannot shake me out of wanting to end my life. My whole life has been a struggle and long story short. Like you my friend i cannot find any reason for self love and respect. God forbid i drank, i don’t as i am tea-total, or did drugs because i would be dead. But i don’t want to be me….. So there you have it. I cannot stop the negativity, dark thoughts, and the thought of going on fills with me dread. I wish for fatal cancer or a car crash, both of whom would see my family ok due the life cover paying out, suicide would not. What you say resonates with me so much that i joined this site today (the first time i have ever done such a thing!) just to write this down and tell you that you are not alone in thinking how you do. I wish you the peace and the happiness that i can see by your story that you so richly deserve. For me i feel it is too late.

Hello Mia,

Thank you for your kind words. What you are saying is correct but it can be easier said than done sometimes. As you probably know the “chattering monkey” you alluded to can be very persuasive and when you make as many bad choices as i seem to have made then the chattering very quickly becomes a noise heard above all others. I have been listening to some self help videos the past day and have been exercising, which is something that always levels me up, but the future terrifies me, mostly due to the fact that i seem to choose the wrong way. I am terrified of losing my home and my kids, my wife and i are pretty much strangers thanks to the events of the past year at work, and i just do not want to keep going. I do wonder if i am meant to be “normal” and also if i am really cut out for all of this? It’s strange that something that is gone can still seem so fresh and something that has not yet happened can seem so awful?

Hey,

You are very perceptive. I hate the fact that i am “gifted” with both extreme sensitivity and i am massively reflective.  I feel that sometimes i cannot take it, hence the fact that i want to be away from all of this. I will look him up and see what he thinks.

All the best to you Mia, i wish you every happiness and success.

E

Hello,

Thanks for your response, i have so many similarities with you it is quite uncanny. I give exactly the same advice as you have described to people who have similar struggles but can i take it myself? No, not in the slightest.  My self esteem is non-existent. Like you i am confident in some ways, training and fitness for example, but i look in the mirror and still see the person i was that was bullied and hates himself. Every mistake i make and wrong decision sticks to me like some kind of emotional glue and i wish i could just not be me. You sound like you have done an amazing job of turning your life around and the fact that you have moved on from a divorce, which by the sounds of it you handled incredibly well, and found yourself someone who treasures you is something to be proud of. I have been to the doctors, some time back and i am not sure where you are posting from ( i would guess the States looking at the time differences?) but here in the UK mental health/depression is not very well “treated”. There is still a stigma to depression and one of the first things seeking medical help would do would be to invalidate my life/health cover and also it would be on my record which i don’t want. Heaven forbid if my family ever discovered i was on them.  But i know there is something wrong with me, i am not sure if it is a product of my experiences or something in my genes but i do have a problem and have had so for most of my life..  As Fatima discusses in the post that got us talking letting go of negativity is hard. In terms of medication i was offered them but… I have never drank, smoked or taken a drug in my life. The thought of taking “pills” is at odds with my other side which does not want to rely on something that i may become addicted to.