My most heart-felt thought is that I want to introduce you to the most remarkable life affirming philosophy I have ever encountered. I participate in “active” meditation (as opposed to a passive meditation). I chant NAM-MYOHO-RENGE-KYO. This is an invocation that fuses your life with the source of the universe, the Law of Cause and Effect. This chant is part of a Buddhist practice that has helped me change at the core of my life, an inner transformation. I live with more awareness, compassion, wisdom and joy when I chant. Chanting raises my life condition which is similar to our vibration (everything has a vibrational frequency). When my life condition is high, I notice that I live joyously and attract the things that I desire or need. We all need things including safe housing, food, money, love, health, etc. There is a saying in this Buddhism, “Earthly desires lead to Enlightenment”. That means that it is guaranteed that if you chant for the earthly desires that you need in your life, you will not only get the thing you were chanting about, but you will become enlightened at the same time. Awesome, right?! This philosophy centers around the Law of Cause and Effect. If you believe in Karma or have ever heard the phase, “what goes around, comes around,” this is the universal law that makes all that happen. When we make a cause, we get an effect. Similarly, when one tosses a pebble into a pond, the ripples in the water eventually hit the shore. Every second of the day we are making causes and whether we believe in the Law of Cause and Effect or not, those causes generate effects. Today, we know or believe in a sub-law, the Law of Gravity and it works every time whether one believes that it “exists” or not. Newton may have discovered this phenomena and gave it a name, but it was always there. With the understanding of gravity, humans have learned to use it to their advantage to get humongous, jumbo jet airplanes into the sky to transport people all over the world. Just imagine if one could learn to use the Law of Cause and Effect to change their internal and external causes and, in turn, change the destiny of their lives for the better. When one learns to use this universal law (which is above all other sub-laws) they can elevate their lives with greater awareness, universal protection, unlimited good fortune, wisdom, compassion, and absolute happiness. World Peace, through the happiness/enlightenment of every individual, is the goal of this practice. A lofty goal, but obtainable through the self-empowerment of each individual and through sharing this knowledge with others. This principal of sharing this knowledge is like the following parable: Give a man a fish and he eats for one day. Teach him to fish and he eats for a life time. There is so much more I can tell you about the benefits of chanting Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo, but the reality is you have to experience it for yourself. Please look into it. I want you to eat for a lifetime. See and read for yourself how you can apply this great philosophy to your life. Don’t let limiting beliefs hold you back. It can be an instantaneous transformation, but you have to make the cause to try. Go to http://WWW.SGI-USA.ORG then click on any of the tabs across the top of the page.

Dear Name:
How are you doing these days? I read your original post and others’ comments. No wonder you can’t live with yourself. Part of yourself is operating AGAINST you, attacking you. Being under attack- no wonder you are suffering. The part of you that is attacking you, the Toxic Inner Critic, the Internal Attacker as I call it, the Internal Abuser (or the Fruedan Superego) is enrmous in your psyche and toxic. The child part of you (The Id in Freudan language) is suffering, having no one to protect her against the Internal Abuser. Healing is about developing an effective internal manager (Fruedan Ego) to protect your child part, to circumvent the Superego.

Obviously you have been a victim of trauma, most likely childhood trauma. Your Internal abuser took after a parent/ caretaker who in practice abused you- by neglect or otherwise.

Through healing you can make your psyche user friendly, meaning it stop attacking itself, one part attacking the other.

Please post again.
Take care:
anita

Dear Name:
I am so sorry to read your sad story and the sad state of mind you are in and have been for so long. No doubt you have been and are unfortunate to be born and grow up (or as I call it in my case- and yours?- grow IN, as inside oneself) to the family you were. So was I. I too hated myself. I too wished for death and thought about it a lot from a very early age. This does not minimize your pain, the fact that others have experienced similar pain as well, does it? YI wish I could transfer to you that it is okay, whatever you feel is okay, that you fell in love with a guy is okay. I too, being a female, was confused. I felt like the man when around women even though I too am not homosexual. I too hated myself, saying very negative things to myself.

I’ve been working very hard for over four years now, consistently on healing. First with the help of a good- my first good psychotherapist and then by myself within the context of my first good relationship with a man. I cannot tell you how much TIME and how SLOW the change in me is- but there is a change. There is healing. So am I wrong to think it is possible for you too?

Is healing possible for you too? Maybe not without HELP. But the problem is with the isolation you have done how do you trust another? how do you know who to trust??? No doubt not everyone is trustworthy. Maybe most people are not. I am pessimistic and am aware of people’s cruely…

If you are interested, google COMPLEX PTSD. Google INNER CRITIC, COMPLEX PTSD. In the website (I don’t remember right now but you can find it if you try) there is a description of four types of defenses that people use predominantly. You and I, I believe, are the FREEZE type, isolating. It says on that website that the only way to heal is in the context of a relationship. It seems to me a GOOD therapist is what you need.

There is nothing else I can write to you. Unless you have a specific question about what I wrote. If you have any question, any clarification of what I wrote, any specific thing you want to know, please ask me- or others.

Take care of yourself:
anita

Hi NAME, I just recently read your story and It touched my heart with two emotions, sadness & hope.

First off I know you said you don’t want anyone to pity you but it’s ok if we do because you are hurting and good people like us don’t want to see you hurting and having a difficult time. What I feel really sad about is that you had a baby-sitter that treated you like shit when you were so young and vulnerable that it’s upsetting to know that when you were just a child someone who you needed guidance, love and acceptance from was indeed a predator who inflicted fear upon you. What hurts me even more is that you went and confided this information to your Dad and he did NOTHING. I understand why you didn’t tell your Mom later on because you were afraid that she would dismiss what happened too, just like your Dad did. Very shameful what your Dad did, as children for the most part do not lie about things like that. For you, I wish you were able to tell your Mom what had happened. It’s upsetting because I understand in my own personal way what you went through. Although brief, I had a baby-sitter that my mother left me with when I was 5 years old that was emotionally abusive and 1 time physically abusive by hitting me so hard that I wet myself. Luckily that evening her daughter who was an adult and a new Mom to an infant at the time witnessed what happened and rescued me by stopping her and she bathed me and cleaned me up before my Mom returned. She was a very kind soul. Here I was only 5 years old & now I’m 30 years old and I still haven’t forgotten her good deed from saving me from her abusive mother. Anyway, enough about me.

Name, I believe in you and know that there’s still hope for you as hope never goes away in life. There must be somebody in your family that you are close to? Whoever that person may be in your family, use the communication/social skills that you have with them and apply it to the person that you still care about. Please don’t be upset with me for saying this but it’s very important that you break the fear and muster up the courage to initiate a conversation about your feelings. If it was my ex, I would want her to tell me how she feels because I know that I still love my ex very much but as of right now, she chooses not to communicate, which hasn’t resolved a thing or maybe she doesn’t care, I don’t know. Either way point is – my heart is always open and able to face her emotions with an open heart, love, grace and understanding but the choice is up to her to initiate contact as I’ve done enough on my side. As for you NAME, nobody can force you to do anything but you are a valuable human being and there are people out there BELIEVE IT OR NOT that really & truly value you as a person and value your life. I have to say nothing is more attractive then when someone you love opens up their heart and soul and is completely raw about their emotions/feelings. Being open can actually brings couples and friends together and at times can mend previous relationships, from what I have witnessed. The choice is yours Name but remember you deserve happiness too.

Answer to question #1. You know when someone cares about you by their actions towards you. Communication is secondary to that. When someone truly cares, they go out of their way to make it known to you. The old saying (without being overly redundant) “Actions speak louder than words. Here is a great book for you that is called – The 5 Love Languages By Gary D. Chapman. You will love this book, it’s incredible! Sometimes words are meaningless and actions seems to say so much more and can be a lot more valuable then words, depending on the individual and the situation that is. Actions & Words are always a healthy mix though 🙂 There’s definitely nothing wrong with that. From a personal experience I know when someone has feelings for me right away when they are making eye contact with me, looking at me a lot and physically touching my body, holding my hands, briefly touching my arm with their fingertips ect. My ex Angela & I did a lot of those things together and we hugged a lot too. I would always tell her that I loved her but she already knew that by my actions and I knew she loved me too by her actions and the things she would do. Being a woman you feel love immediately bc we are a lot more sensitive. The book I suggested to you will cover a lot more of what I just mentioned, about how you know when someone cares about you. Although everybody’s love language is different, Mine is both physical & verbal of love languages and my ex-girlfriend, hers was mostly physical.

Answer to question #2. “How do you show you care about someone?” You can show you care about someone by your actions towards them, like an invitation to have an outing with you, whether it’s a hike, a coffee, small lunch or a walk in the park. The fun part is that you can choose how you want to show this person you care. You can bring them a little gift of some sort, like a candy bar or a single rose with a little note. Even a letter can be very romantic too. Or you can start with a phone call, I’m sure the person you are showing that you care will appreciate & be flattered by any one of those things I listed. Me personally I’m old school, I like spending time with the person I care about doing things outdoors together. I’m not fond of emails and electronic relationships. I enjoy getting to know someone out of the technology element, more 1 on 1 interaction, whether it’s outdoors or going to each others houses. Either way you won’t go wrong with your first initiation with showing this person that you care. Take a chance! You have nothing to lose! (((Hugs)))

Answer to question #3. You can become close with someone by sharing your passions or hobbies during conversation(s), it’s okay to open up a little bit. Remember; It’s really attractive to the person you like that likes you back when you are open, honest and raw. Be communicative with this person like you would with a family member. Show interest when they are telling you something about themselves, listen and observe and then respond however you feel is appropriate and comfortable for you. Make small talk here and there and see where it leads you. Take your time, open your heart and soul and become best friends and then lovers. No expectations but in order to attract love, a best friend or a long time partner, you must leave your heart open, be communicative and be honest about who you are as person/raw being. What makes me the happiest is when someone I love shows me who they are and talks to me about their emotions with that honest & passionate look in their eyes. Nothing draws me in more than someone who I really care about showing me who they really are. That’s why it’s important to just always be yourself but to also break those barriers of fears step by step. The word FEAR sounds scarier then what it looks because conquering fear is actually easy if you believe in yourself and are secure with yourself, that everything works out in the end anyway. Once you conquer the first hurdle of fear, you will always be brave and able to conquer fear when it presents itself to do what is needed in order to have peace of mind and a huge weight lifted off your shoulders (mentally speaking anyway.) Fear is the darkness, it’s very evil, destructive & self-sabotaging And… Love is an abundance of truth, light, and acceptance which continues to reward you with peace of mind and all the blessings you ask for in your life will happen if you can conquer your inner fears.

Name, I hope I was able to help you with the information that I shared with you this morning on the questions you had, although you asked Anita, it’s good to get another persons opinion & prospective. I have a lot of faith in you that you can DO THIS! 🙂 I believe in you & your HAPPINESS name. Love will never close the doors on you sweetheart, it’s up to you when you decide to open that door and receive all the love, affection, understanding, warmness, truth and light that has been awaiting you all this time. Whenever you are ready, LOVE will be there. If you have anymore questions please feel free to contact me.

Sincerely;

Elle Tinker.

“THE ENEMY IS FEAR. WE THINK IT IS HATE;
BUT, IT IS FEAR.” – GANDHI

Dear Name:
I just found out your post of 5/26 and eager to give you my answers to your questions:
1) “How do you know if someone cares about you?” I only know of two people who care about me. I know one 23 years and the other 6 years. I know the first cares about me because I as a young child when I picked him up from his day care he called my name with such happiness. I know he didn’t make it up, didn’t pretend to be happy to see him. He was only two or so. I saw the innocence in his face. The other is my husband. I married him late in life, less than five years ago when i was 49. I know he cares about me because he tells me so and shows me with many actions and mostly by listening to me and paying attention to what I say, remembering what I say and following it with action, like I MATTER. Still, this very morning I wanted to tell him that I feel safe with him but when I said it, I said it with a question mark at the end.

2) “How do you show you care about someone?” About the child I picked up from day care- my nephew. I wanted so much to save him from the childhood I had- I felt so anxious throughout my time with him. I told him again and again things like: “I like everything that you are.. think/ feel…Everything that you are is okay with me… You are loveable, etc. etc. wanting to “brain wash” him with messages i wish I had. I tried to make him feel visible by repeating to him what he was doing: “You are playing with a red car, you are getting up, etc. WIth my husband I told him this morning that he is safe with me. I want to and hope I am giving him the safety to be himself and heal from his emotional wounds with me.

3. “How do you become close to someone?” Slowly, you risk just a LITTLE bit, a tiny, tiny bit and wait for response. Only if you get a positive response you stick around/ meet again and over time risk just a tiny, tiny bit more by sharing a bit and you wait for a response.

4. “Do you think that if I do succeed in having a close friend, will I heal or would I have to talk to someone?
If I do end up having to talk to someone, I’m afraid that they might pity or overall change their impression of me.”

I read that some people do a lot of healing within the context of a good relationship and without a therapist. From personal experience I can tell you that with some therapists i did no healing whatsoever. I know many therapists are not “good enough”. Many are incompetent. I am very pessimistic about therapist competency and people’s trustworthiness in general. At times in my life I was so desparate for human connection- or from help- that I “trusted” him or her way too soon only to distrust him/ her soon enough afterwards and say my forever-goodbye to that person. Now that I have two people I trust and some healing, I am not so desperate, not as desperate and that makes it easier to take things slowly with other people…

I hope there is some help in my responses. i answered just as things arose in my mind…

I intend to check to see if you post again…!
anita

Dear Name:
There is no other way to heal. You have to- have to be loved so to heal. As a child you had to be loved then so to be healthy. You got sick because you weren’t loved. You still need love to be healthy, just like then, nothing has changed.

this is my answer. What is love though, is my question to myself- what would be enough love for YOU to heal? What does the love you need look like? Where do you get it and how…?

Can you answer these, try to answer these, no matter how little you can muster as an answer?
anita