Hi Anita,

Thank you again for setting me straight about moving out. You’re right, it is about choice, and I am making the choice to live here for now.
I just got into a huge blow out with my mom on Wednesday night and I really let her have it (nothing vulgar, just a repetitive dialogue that just doesn’t stop). I am so angry with her, that I just can’t seem to calm down which makes me non productive and I feel that it sets me back. She has a big birthday party tomorrow night and we agreed not to talk after that. I know that’s not true though with her. But, I feel so strong and angry about the subject, that I’m going to do whatever I can to keep up my end of the bargain. I don’t know how to calm down about it. Thank god I’m dating this woman and I can go over to her house and spend the night.

I’m just going to keep my distance until I can move out. She bought me a leather futon/couch and I don’t like it, nor do I want it from her, so I’m going to send it back. Her giving me things kinda disgusts me, and I almost feel bad about it. I have heard that it’s very difficult to have a relationship with another until you have a good relationship with your mother (for men) and that freaks me out. I honestly feel that I would be a great boyfriend. So, let’s see what happens with the woman I’m dating.

thank you again Anita!

Hi Anita,

Thank you for the great advice. On two fronts: Things are going really well with the woman I dated. We spent the whole day yesterday and spent the nightat her house and had a blast. Since I have little money to spend on her, I have been fixing up her place, painting her fireplace and fixing it, replacing batteries in her smoke detectors, etc. It’s my way of showing that I care and it makes me feel like a man.
She told me she likes me, and I like her. I showed her a couple of pictures of some ribs I made at my house this Saturday and she asked me if I brought them to my mothers party. I told I did. She really wants to come to my house and I told her I would love her to, so she’s coming over Saturday. I feel like I’m lying to her or omitting information which can be construed that I’ve been lying to her. I think it’s time to tell her but I’m very worried that she will leave or not trust me in the future because I didn’t tell her up front. She is a very good person and I would hate to lose her but I feel it’s time. We have spent a lot of time together and have really bonded with her. I’m not sure how deep I should go with her. I don’t think I need to tell her about my CPTSD, but that I have had a bad relationship with my mother and it’s getting worked through now. I also think that I should tell her that in order for me to get this business going, I had to move into my mothers guest house.

The more I write this though, the more I believe I should tell her. I will own it. Thoughts?…:)
I’m seeing her tonight.

I also got a phone call yesterday while i was at her house from a woman I went on a date with (which didn’t work out). She wants me to work on her place tomorrow and I’m charging her a small fee (250.00). The woman I’m seeing got little upset that I didn’t negotiate harder, and she did mention that I went on a date with her and that didn’t make her feel well. I think this might be her issue and I explained that i really want the money.
It’s business and nothing more. This woman who I’m working with tomorrow can refer me to clients in the future.

In regards to work, I had a male client last week (by referral) and he totally loved what we worked on together on. That made me feel pretty good. And now i have a client out of nowhere that wants to work with me, I feel pretty good about that as well. I don’t know how it’s coming to me, but it is. It’s not enough or stable yet for me to move yet, but it’s a start.

Now, my mother…She had her birthday party here this weekend. It went off well and I stayed in my back house and smoked ribs and didn’t get near her. She is being very nice to me but it’s not working. I believe that I have finally seen the light, and as hard as it is to see it, I feel it’s right. It does hurt me, but I know it’s the right thing to do. I really feel disconnected from her which is good.

And as far as my anger goes, I’m still angry, but this weekend away took me out of it for a while. I’m not sure what to do with anger, so I’m just staying away from my mother now.

Thank you again for all your support Anita!!

Anita,

Thank you for replying. Unfortunately, I had to have to conversation with her Monday night and didn’t read your message in time. She is coming over to my house on Saturday, so I thought it would be right to let her know that I live in my mothers guest house. I didn’t want to omit this information as I thought I would be honest and up front with her. She was actually pretty cool with it, but she did ask a lot of questions: How long have I lived there? How do I get my clients? etc. I told her, and I felt pretty insecure about all of that and that I was afraid she might leave because of it. She also didn’t say a word. She gave me a big long hug afterwords, but that wasn’t enough for me as I had no idea what her thoughts were. So, last night I saw her and explained that by her not saying anything (which has been the third time), that it left me in the wind not knowing how she felt. She said actions speak louder than words, (meaning the hug). I said that I needed more than that. I need her to communicate with me as well. Acknowledge what I said, as I was very venerable and totally honest with her. She said she was sorry and that she wasn’t use to communicating about feelings or anything in general as her ex husband never asked her for her opinion or communicated with her (and they were together for 20 years). It made me feel better that we had that talk. Afterwards, she mentioned that I am intense and a touch dramatic. But, I think she likes it. She also doesn’t complements well (not saying anything) and I am reminding her to just say “thank you”. She totally agreed and once again said she wasn’t use to someone complementing her. So, we are working on that. 🙂
The woman I worked with yesterday, called me while I was at “my girlfriends” house and I told her I would charge her 250.00 (which is a discount). My girlfriend was like, “you didn’t even negotiate with her” and she was right, but it made me feel a little bad about myself for not asking for what I’m worth. Not sure how to handle that in the future. I know that she wants me to be successful though, so comes from a good place.
I just feel that she is judging me for where I am at in my life. She isn’t though (as she is still with me), so I think it’s my own insecurity about my situation. I should totally own it, but I felt insecure about it. I’ll learn for next time..:) And it’s not like she’s perfect either, but I try to make her feel good about herself.

She also asked me why I didn’t have a girlfriend in years. Once again I feel I was being judged. I think she’s trying to understand and learn about me, but maybe I should tell her that I feel like I’m being judged by these questions. I think that her ex husband (which she still has to deal with because of her kids), really screwed her up. But she is also really shy. I am not sure how to handle this lack of communication, but I had a talk with her last night. She also feels that I am getting too serious as we have only known each other for two weeks.
We have a great time together though. We laugh so hard!!. I have never met a woman who I laugh with this hard, and we both love it. She told me that no matter what happens, she wants me in her life, as friends or intimate. I told her I’m not looking for another friend and she totally agreed. I think the lesson here for me to own my power and where I am in my life. I just felt that once she gets to me, she will leave, which is my own insecurity.

Now as far as my mother is concerned, I haven’t really talked her. We’ve been communicating via text, which works out fine for me. I’ve been staying over “my girlfriends” house a lot, so out of sight, out of mind works for me…:) . I think she feels that this will all blow over. But, I do feel that I have disconnected from her as much as I can for staying in the guest house.

I have to run now, as I have a second day working for that woman I worked for yesterday…:)

Thank you again Anita!!

Hi Anita,
Thank you for always being there for me, when I need you. I greatly appreciate it.

Well, I think I have single handedly screwed up my budding relationship with the woman I was dating. Long story short, I’ve had a couple heated conversations with her about her being more compassionate towards me and that I feel that she is judging me. Afraid of her judging me and my fear of abandonment has brought up deep insecurities within me.

I just had another conversation with her last night about my fear of abandonment and lack of compassion towards me, (it’s her tone of voice when she asks questions about work and relationships with women) and it didn’t go well.

I wrote to her this morning (as I tried calling her first) saying that I am very sorry for my behavior. She wrote back saying that I have amazing qualities and potential but that my problem is that I don’t believe in myself and that I haven’t gotten over my ex-wife from nine years ago. The ex-wife issue has caused me to sabotage relationships or just simply not been in one and that I need to deal with both of those issues. She says I should go to therapy to deal with them.
Now, I didn’t say anything mean about her or curse, but I did say I don’t feel safe telling her my fears as it would scare her away and that I feel she isn’t compassionate enough. I realize now that these are my issues and not hers.

I took full responsibility for my fears and truly apologized for her taking the brunt of my fears. I explained that I have been dealing with finding my path with work for years and it’s a very sensitive issue for me and one I’m trying to work on. Since she has her act together (good job, good family, good friends), that she would leave when I told her these things. She hasn’t left yet since I told her other things, but that’s one of my deepest fears, (and one she says I need to work on).

This has been an amazing learning experience (at both of our expenses), and hope she doesn’t leave me. And I understand if she does leave though. I’m really trying hard not to beat myself up about this, but it’s really hard not to. I single handedly screwed this up, and it’s hard for me not to take it personal and not beat myself up about it. I promised her that I have learned my lesson and that I will do my best not to take out my personal fears on her. And if so, she has carte blanche to kick me to curb.

She is in a dance class right now till 11:30am and I wrote this while she is in her class. It’s really up to her now if she wants to move forward with this relationship. It’s almost like murphy’s law…My fears of her leaving could possibly come true and I did that to the relationship. I feel absolutely horrible about my behavior towards her and how it made her feel. I explained this to her via text. I have hurt her and don’t know if it’s beyond reconciliation. I am not perfect, and I have been very sweet, generous (with time and helping her with her house), and affectionate. It’s my taking out my fears on her that has scared her and hurt her.

It’s now a waiting game and one that I’m trying to keep out of my head about.

Any thoughts?…:)

Anita, you rock girlfriend.

Yes, I agree with everything you said. I don’t mean to put her on a pedestal. If I have done that, how do I not in the future?

I did mention that I don’t like her tone (twice maybe three times now) and she says there is nothing mean behind it and that’s how she is. After this argument, I dug deep and thought that maybe it was me that has the self confidence issue and that I shouldn’t put it on her.
I know that there is some anger behind the tone, I am ultra intuitive (as well as sensitive) and get frustrated when I bring that up and she doesn’t address it and look at it. Not sure how to address that as it will seem like it’s my issue and my past and she may not address it herself. If we talk again, I’m not sure I should bring that up right away. Your thoughts?

It does actually remind me of my of ex-wife. It was all about my issues and not looking at her own. That does bum me out as I am looking at mine and doing what I can to deal with them. She also has a hard time communicating (just like my ex) after I have told her something serious. I told her that I would like some kind of acknowledgement of any kind. I told her that when she doesn’t acknowledge me, it leaves me feeling really insecure and wondering what she is thinking. She said she is working on it, but I don’t know how hard.

She did mention several times that she has low self esteem though. And I’m really working on her with acknowledging me with a “thank you” after I compliment her on her beauty or something I say nice to her. And I do it in a very gentle way….:)

The real question is, how do I address my concerns about her? I did, but I was really heated. It seems that she is putting this all on me, so I’m not sure how to deal with this. She is suppose to call me any minute now. Do I talk to her about it now or do I wait?