HomeāForumsāWorkāI can\'t hold down a job, I\'m thinking about throwing in the towel about work.
- This topic has 106 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 8 months ago by Anonymous.
-
AuthorPosts
-
January 6, 2017 at 10:04 am #124684AnonymousGuest
Dear John:
Before I read your last post to me, the one just before it, you wrote: “Itās almost like I pick women who I know I wonāt like.”- makes me think you picking your mother to be in your life, as she is, even though you don’t like her. In reality, you do pick her every day that you live on her property.
As to your note to me: I read it with your mother on my mind (following my comment above). Let’s see.. why don’t I suggest a few things- may be correct, incorrect, or partially correct, you can ponder it, if you’d like (let me know):
1. “I seriously think Iām addicted to love or the beginning stages of it. I love courting, talking to women, and romancing them. I donāt know if thatās a good thing or a bad thing.”- maybe this is motivated by you living away from your mother at this point. Could be that freedom-from-misery… freeing energy to explore dating.
2. “What happens with me is that I always think, ‘I totally like this woman’ before we even meet. I build her up and then feel let down when we meet and I donāt feel anything- maybe it is hope at first, and then there is a let down of that hope. When I write hope, I mean the same-old-same-old hope, that your mother will be loving, gentle and kind, talking to you with a quiet comforting voice. Then there is the let down- she is either anxious (not comforting) or yelling (definitely not comforting). You may be re-living the same old dynamic for about forty years, now projected into dating.
anita
January 6, 2017 at 10:22 am #124687JohnParticipantHi Anita,
Very interesting…I never thought about the mother angle of all of this. Yes, I do agree that I hope my mother will change, (stop yelling/anxious, etc.) and there is always a let down with her. I’ll really need to think if I’m playing that out in my dating world. If I am replaying that “hope” with each woman, how do I break that pattern? I know, move out, but what can I do in the meantime? I have this fear that once they get to know me, they won’t like what they find out, (me being neurotic, fear of abandonment, not working, C-PTSD, the list goes on.)…:) I do agree that I am looking for the love and compassion that I didn’t receive as a child.I do know that I have a lot of great qualities too (as I hear it from many women who I go on dates with) and that I feel I can provide. I get too serious and don’t let things develop slowly, (the old burns hot and dies out quickly) thing happens often as well. Maybe I’m looking so desperately for that love I didn’t get when I was younger that I want it ASAP, (which is totally unrealistic).
One thing that is very important to me is to find someone who is very sweet, feminine, compassionate, loving, a great communicator, and of course, likes me for who I am.
Thank you again Anita!
January 6, 2017 at 11:05 am #124692AnonymousGuestDear John:
First, a qualifier: I know how strong fear is. I think of it as the most powerful emotion there is. Fear is so powerful it makes us close our eyes to things that scare us. Even though we know on a deep level what we need to do, we don’t. And no amount of rational you and I can possibly make what is scary- less scary than it is.
You wrote: ” I know, move out, but what can I do in the meantime?”- it wasn’t I who whispered in your ears, when you wrote that line: “Move out!”- it was your own voice you heard. But it is too scary to do, so you (understandably, like so many of us) choose to live “in the meantime.”
“In the meantime” is that Purgatory state of living. Defined by Wikipedia, purgatory “is an intermediate state after physical death in which some of those ultimately destined for heaven must first ‘undergo purification, so as to achieve the holiness necessary to enter the joy of heaven’.”
So, living on your mother’s property is that purgatory, for you. You hope to heal, living on her property, with daily contact with her, to … purify (in definition) before you go to heaven, that is, be healed.
I am thinking of your mother’s guesthouse as your purgatory. I lived in purgatory for as long as I had any contact with my mother- it kept me there.
What an act of courage it would be to move out of purgatory. Thing is, you move out- but there is no heaven awaiting you. Stay- and the same old- same old hell doesn’t feel THAT bad. It is not so bad.. is it?
anita
January 6, 2017 at 11:22 am #124695JohnParticipantHi Anita,
Yes, I agree with you, fear is a very strong emotion. I totally realize that I need/want to move out, and I totally will (hopefully sooner than later), and have before. My issue that really stops me is money. My fear of quitting and hating another job stops me from having a job. That job will allow me to move out. It’s wild, because I think, “If you really hated it, you would do anything/everything in your power to move out.” Why I beat myself sometimes is that nothing motivates me enough to move out! Trust me when I tell you, I would be gone today if I could. My house is beautiful and rent free. Yes, I know the damage and prolonging the healing process it makes, but the cost of an Apartment/studio is crazy…I’m not even working.
Living with roommates would most likely make me very depressed. I had a horrible couple of dreams about it. Even last night I had one.How can i move without money?
All of my friends are married with kids, so that’s not an option. And to think temporarily living somewhere stresses me out, because I know I’m not working. And finding a job is very very hard for me. I don’t have confidence in myself and I feel that I’ll quit whatever I’m doing, (based on my track record). I love what I want to do, Lifestyle Curating, but I’m having a hard time getting it off the ground. I hate most jobs, so looking for a job waiting tables would drive me to kill someone (not literally) or drive me crazy, (literally).
I am not compassionate to myself in regards to my situation. I get mad at myself for not doing whatever it takes to move out, especially if that means getting a job.
Now don’t get me wrong, I am not lazy. I am not looking for a hand out, (which is what i’ve been receiving at my mothers), which I hate getting. My dream would be to take care of myself, (since that is what every single friend of mine is doing). It would be great to have the power to do things.Thank you Anita!
January 6, 2017 at 11:48 am #124697AnonymousGuestDear John:
You are welcome. You wrote: “I am not looking for a hand out (which is what I’ve been receiving at my mothers)”-
You think that it is a hand out (definition: something given free to a needy person) that you are receiving at your mother’s? You think she is giving you these accommodations for free?
Remember I wrote to you that when we are scared, we close our eyes to the reality that scares us?
Try to see it in your statement I quoted here, and let me know if you want me to elaborate on your understanding or otherwise, offer mine.
You thanked me at the end of your post, above. Giving you my input on this may feel so uncomfortable that you will not be grateful anymore. So let me know. I am okay with keeping my (yet to be articulated) input to myself.
anita
January 8, 2017 at 7:44 am #124831JohnParticipantAnita,
Happy Sunday.So…I had a wonderful date with a woman this past Friday. She is beautiful, sweet, fun and seems to be into me, (as I enjoy her company as well). I kept the date mostly on her, asking questions about her.
We have plans to meet this late morning to go dishwasher shopping for her. She has two teenage kids and her family is wealthy.
She texted me yesterday and said she was confused with what I do for work. And then she asked me how I get clients.
The bottom line is that I’m feeling a little anxious because I don’t want to falsely represent myself. I mean, I can be very creative, but I don’t have much (actually a tiny amount) of money to spend on her.
My question to you is, do I have a conversation with her that I just started my business and that I really don’t have money to go out to dinner? It’s really occupying my mind as I feel insecure about my money situation.
I would like to explain my situation to her so I can enjoy my time with her and be present (as this is driving me crazy).
Some may think that I should wait, but it’s driving me up the the wall and feel out of integrity in some way.
Thoughts?…:)
January 8, 2017 at 8:10 am #124836AnonymousGuestDear John:
Yes, I do have thoughts, I often do…. here they are:
You are not a criminal or a sinner for not being employed or for your business idea and practice not being a solid money making venture. This meeting with this woman is not a Confessional. You need not confess and be forgiven before you can have a good time. Not more than she has to confess to you about her …. less than good-enough parenting of her children, all the ways she wasted money and resources in her life and so on.
State your employment and money situation as it is; don’t try to make it look better (or worse) than it is. If she was fortunate enough to be born into money- it will be okay for her to spend a bit of it on a date with you- no law against it, neither is it unethical.
All you need to do is state your situation in a self respectful way. If she responds negatively (and she may, as social conventions are powerful)- well, what can you do? But do your part to not promote such response on her part by volunteering your own self judgment and promotion of such social conventions.
Interesting, if a person makes money by defrauding others, or misusing public funds, that is … socially acceptable? Unemployment is a “sin” but misusing public funds is acceptable?
See the bigger picture- go on a date, not a confessional (you can play confessional with her, as a game, but both have to confess… that could be fun).
anita
January 8, 2017 at 8:33 am #124839JohnParticipantThank you Anita!
So, I’m going to let her know my situation and own it and leave it up to her what she wants to do? It’s bothering me, so I just feel I need to say something.
I have an issue of giving too much info, so I’ll keep it simple.
I’ll reread your post again.
January 8, 2017 at 8:42 am #124842AnonymousGuestDear John:
You are welcome. Since it bothers you, do tell her: this is bothering me. I need to tell you this: I am unemployed/ my business is far from being a money making business… however you want to put it, as long as it is true and respectful to yourself. Say it objectively, without your interpretation. You can ask her how she feels about it, and listens to her answer.
Do keep it objective and simple- just the facts.
anita
January 9, 2017 at 8:00 am #124924JohnParticipantHi Anita,
Thank you for the wonderful advice..Again. I am a straight forward person, so I had a conversation with the woman I’ve been on a couple of dates with. I told her that I want to start this endeavor and I am a very strict budget, but I can be creative. I asked her for her feedback, but she didn’t say anything, so I left it alone. If anything, she loosened up and became more affectionate. I didn’t say it the say way you suggested, “I am unemployed and my business is far from being a money making business.” I think I was a little too scared to say that.
I wonder if this is just a bad time to date someone. Most likely it is or I should say exactly what you said. I’m just going to relax around this issue and just spend a little extra time being creative to do things with her.Now, I just came home last night from house sitting and I saw my mother last night. She was very pleasant, but I just wanted to run away from her. She asked if I wanted Chinese food and we could hang out. I told her “no thank you, I’m going to relax and unpack.” I could tell that she was bummed, but it didn’t effect me. I feel that I am over her for the time being.
I want my next thing to focus on is moving out, (however that looks like). I literally have no money and no projected money coming in, so I’m not sure how I’m going to do it. But, I really want to move, so bad!
Anyway, I just wanted to give you an update as you have become my “go to” person in regards to my life and how to move on.
I hope you had a pleasant weekend!…:)
January 9, 2017 at 9:18 am #124934AnonymousGuestDear John:
I think it was fine that you told her you are on a strict budget. Again, you don’t owe her more details, at this point. If you were at a point of living together, then yea, that would be the time to run some numbers. But on a second date- what you said was appropriate.
I thought about social conventions in regard to your thread, yesterday, after writing to you last- I thought: it is a social convention (still and unfortunately so) that a man pays for the woman (even when she has more money!). But it is also a social convention that women take care of their conventional job of being mothers. That is, being good mothers.
Now, don’t women fail at this! For crying out loud, so many fail. And yet, in the confessional of dating- her mothering is not an issue, but who is paying the dating bill is a big one… ha!
Regarding you moving out- I am familiar with the rents (and real estate) in SoCal. Yes, I understand. Back to mothers, I also understand the soul-sucking, lifetime dysfunction inflicted often enough by mothers upon their minor children and promoted into adulthood. There is a saying: I would rather die on my feet than live on my knees. What it means to me, in your circumstances, is that maybe living with your mother is living on your knees and moving out- somewhere- may be dying on your feet- but maybe better, it may be (how exciting would that be?)- Living on your feet!
anita
January 19, 2017 at 8:01 am #125716JohnParticipantHi Anita,
It’s been a while..:)
that woman I was talking about, things are going very well. I haven’t been on 5 dates in a long time. I’m keeping it one day at a time…:)
Now, as far as my mother is concerned, We had a huge blow out yesterday. She texted me two within 5 minutes, and she was getting angry with me, (as usual). I was on my way to DJ a wine event, and it threw me in a tissy. I texted her back, saying I can’t take it anymore, and I don’t want to talk to her, period. It was a mean text(s), but I feel glad that I let out my feelings. It was like the talk I had with her, but on steroids. It messed with me all night and I had hard a hard time DJ’ing and I stil feel the dark cloud hanging over me this morning. Yes, I need to get out of here, but I have nowhere to go. Going to shelter (if they let me in), I think would make me more depressed. I’m upset with myself that I choose not to find a job for myself and take care of my responsibilities. I’m trying not to get made at myself, but it’s challenging. I told my mother not to speak to me at all. She has a big birthday party this Saturday and I told her to write me a list of things to do for the party so I don’t have to talk to her, and get a million texts till the party.She and I want me to move, but I just can’t figure out how to do it. This is upsetting me more and more and I get triggered much easily now that I confronted her. I truly don’t want anything to do with her. I almost feel bad, but she told me that she won’t change.
I can’t even get better as long as I’m staying here. If I move out, it will be so expensive.Thank you Anita!
January 19, 2017 at 10:06 am #125721AnonymousGuestDear John:
If you move out, you wrote, “it will be so expensive.” Makes me think of a slave, saying something like: If I move out of my owner’s house, I will have to pay my own rent! I can’t afford it!
I have spent a few nights in two different shelters in SoCal, many years ago: one was wonderful (a shelter for abused women, South Bay, included staying there through day and night, eating together, counseling) but the other (a general shelter, in a church, nights only)- was terrible and I don’t see how it could help me- the latter was for the sole purpose of being indoors at nights.
I don’t like the idea of you being homeless, in the streets, in nightly shelters only, your health deteriorating, damaged, exposed to violence in the streets. So, I am not recommending: get out now! No matter where to!
In life there are choices and consequences. There are consequences to having your mother in your life. And there will be consequences to living away. You choose, you are the one to choose, because it is YOU who will live with the consequences. Don’t beat yourself up for not working; don’t be angry with yourself- please- try to see it as strictly Choices -> Consequences, that is all.
anita
January 19, 2017 at 12:16 pm #125735PeterParticipantThere really isnāt a name for what I do, so I call it Lifestyle Curating. The issue is, people wonāt hire me if they donāt know exactly what I do. And since iāve quitted every job Iāve ever had
Have you thought about becoming a life coach? It sounds like it would be up your ally and while taking the courses you would likely discover how to deal with your block. Two birdās one stone.
I imagine that such understanding and coming to terms with your experience would make you great life coach.I very much related to your thoughts on wishing for cancer so that you could relax.
It sounds as if that would be a contradiction, being sick and finding that relaxing, but I understand. Knowing that youāre going to die or have a battle to fight can give a sense of purpose to waking up in the morning. Such a way of thinking or being removes uncertainty about what we should be doing as well as being acknowledged and accepted by others. Such thinking can be very seductive.
When we examine such thinking what were really seeking is acknowledgment, acceptance and certainty. The good news is that these concepts can be worked on.
You also noted a wish to die, but not suicide. That too is understandable as it represent the urge for change.
All change requires a dying, a letting go to make room for what comes next. The life death life cycle. To ego consciousness change can feel like a physical dying and so its resists it even as the inner self pushes for change. Such thoughts turn suicidal when the trickster turns them from a push for growth to one of physical death.
Your soul is pushing for growth and growth requires that we give ourselves what perhaps others were not able to give us, the acceptance, nurturing, disciplineā¦ We also need to become ok with not knowing, uncertainty and even doubt. Doubt not to be feared but seen as part of the process. (Fear is to Courage as Doubt is to Faith (faith in life))
āTo choose doubt as a philosophy of life is akin to choosing immobility as a means of transportation.ā ā Yann Martel, Life of Pi
I must say a word about fear. It is life’s only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life.
It is a clever, treacherous adversary, how well I know. It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unerring ease. It begins in your mind, always. One moment you are feeling calm, self-possessed, happy. Then fear, disguised in the garb of mild-mannered doubt, slips into your mind like a spy. Doubt meets disbelief and disbelief tries to push it out. But disbelief is a poorly armed foot soldier. Doubt does away with it with little trouble. You become anxious. Reason comes to battle for you. You are reassured. Reason is fully equipped with the latest weapons technology. But, to your amazement, despite superior tactics and a number of undeniable victories, reason is laid low. You feel yourself weakening, wavering. Your anxiety becomes dread.ā
ā Yann Martel, Life of Pi- This reply was modified 7 years, 11 months ago by Peter.
January 20, 2017 at 8:52 am #125790JohnParticipantWow Peter,
I really really appreciate your comments. It seems like it’s more of a way of living, almost a philosophy on how to live your life. Yes, I do doubt my life and live in fear. I’ve quit sooo many jobs, that I feel it’s hopeless. I am living in a guest house on my mothers property and she drives me crazy with her yelling, anger, anxiousness. I need to move out, but I don’t have any money and why get a job that I’m just going to quit. I have been in real estate for years and don’t know how it will translate into another line of work. My Lifestyle Curating isn’t giving me enough money, plus the instability is hard to count on anything stable. I got into a huge blow out with my mom on Wednesday and I told her I have enough with her. I really let her have it in a constructive way. This morning she said that my tone was bad on the phone. I told her I didn’t forget the fight and I am totally over her and her behavior. She thinks that once again we have a fight and everything will be fine. I am completely over it. She thinks she can buy her way into my heart, but that’s not the case anymore. I do feel bad, but it’s for my own good and sanity. I am stuck wearing golden handcuffs. I know that I should be appreciative, but it’s not worth it anymore. All of my friends are married and I don’t have a place to go. I’ve thought about living in the streets for a while, but I’m not sure if that’s the answer. I almost want to do it to show my mother how much she has hurt me through my life. Yes, it will make it very hard to get a job living on the streets, but I don’t know what else to do. I’m sick of hating jobs, so I have lost faith in myself. I’m college educated and my father and stepmother thought I was the one child (there are three sisters and me) that was going to excel over all the children. If anything, I have been the worst with the deepest problems. I feel like I’ve let everyone down, especially myself. I know that as long as I am here in my mothers guest house, I will be miserable. I have lived elsewhere and it was nice, but I wasn’t healing. I really need help, and all of the meeting I’ve seeked out, cost like 50-60 dollars. It be honest, this board is my only life line to people understanding me and being compassionate to my issues.
I heard from mother today and it get me very angry and sad. No job, no money, and feeling like crap. I’m doing my best to keep my distance.
I’m really don’t know what to do from this point on.Thank you peter for your kind words!!
-
AuthorPosts