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I can't help it….

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  • December 29, 2015 at 7:35 pm #90876
    Shun
    Participant

    But to feel so sad. I want to cry, just all the time. I’m surrounded with family and I just want to burst out crying but I can’t. I’m embarrassed of what’s going on with my life. I can’t help but to think of the past, I know I shouldn’t. It happened already but my heart is in so much pain. I’m loosing sleep, My throat burns, my heart is beating too fast, sick too my stomach and I feel my lungs closing up. I’m so angry, I’m so hurt, I hate him. How can he do such thing. I’m disgusted. Everywhere I go, there’s a reminder of everything, good and bad. When will it get better. God please give me the strength, I’m crying out to you.

    I’m expecting my first child. I know I should be grateful to that but I’m so consumed with everything thats going on between my “husband” and I. I’m so heart broken. How can somebody you trusted for 5 years just all of a sudden walk out and leave? How was it so easy for him to throw away everything we built to start something with somebody else? It hurts so bad. His life is in fast forward while mine is super slow. I know it’s also tough because of all the hormones that’s going on inside my body. I wish people would just understand. I feel so alone.

    December 29, 2015 at 8:57 pm #90883
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Shun:

    It is regrettable that you are experiencing all this pain. As an expectant mother, you should promote your own physical and mental well being, for your sake and for the sake of your baby.

    You are upset about your husband having thrown away everything you built and leaving you … but in the past you posted that it was you who initiated a separation from him because you were no longer in love with him. During that separation, initiated by you, you dated him and slept with him, getting pregnant.

    You posted in the past that you didn’t want to sleep with him after the separation, but he insisted so it is his fault that you slept with him. It tells me that you do not take responsibility for your choices.

    If you chose the separation, you are responsible for it. When you slept with him, not forced to sleep with him, you chose to sleep with him, then you are responsible for sleeping with him while separated.

    I understand that you are in much pain and you have been for a while. I wish you were not, for your baby’s sake as well as for your own. I wish you did something to get better and feel better. For you to feel better, you need to take responsibility for your choices and not present yourself as a victim.

    Your path to healing and strength is in being accountable to your choices. As a victim you are setting yourself for future misery and you are setting your child for pain and misery. Your child will be hurt for simply noticing his mother is miserable and powerless. A child needs a strong mother, one to take action and make things happen. A child needs a mother strong enough to take care of him or her, someone CALM and resourceful and one that is sensible.

    Please become those things for your future child.

    You don’t get strong by NOT crying. You get strong by seeing the truth, pain and all, crying, and processing and learning and moving on.

    Please attend good psychotherapy. Having read your past posts, I believe it is NECESSARY for you to attend good psychotherapy. You owe it to your child.

    Thinking of the child that will be born to you, I am… begging you to attend good psychotherapy as soon as possible.

    anita

    December 30, 2015 at 8:02 am #90908
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Shun:

    I thought about you and my post to you above after I wrote it. I am so concerned about your child. Please pay attention: my intent is the well being of your child, that innocent being that is going to enter a not so wonderful a world.

    I know you suffered as a child. You were hurt in meaningful ways. I wish your child will not be hurt like you have… like I have been, like so many.

    I read all your posts long ago, thoroughly, attentively. And it is clear to me that your position is that you are a victim. Although you WERE a victim as a child, had no power then, it is no longer reality now. It only FEELS like it.

    Your state of mind is that of a victim: that any pain and distress you feel is not your doing, but someone else did it, someone else hurt you. You present your situation as if you were married, loved your husband, got pregnant and then he left you. When in reality, you left him. You initiated a separation and have been separated from him before you got pregnant. You present the situation as if you had no say in getting pregnant when in reality you agreed to have sex with the SEPARATED man you dated again and again.

    With this VICTIM mind set, when your child is going to say or do something not to your liking, however innocently, you are going to blame and turn against your own child. You will point your finger at your own child: it is your fault! Your fault! is the message you will be giving him or her.

    You will be hurting your child severely with such a message.

    This is what I want to communicate to you in addition to my first reply to you.

    This is not about hormones. Your victim state of mind was established before you got pregnant.

    For the sake of your child, please do find good psychotherapy so to examine and change your Victim State of Mind.

    I promise you, if you do, it will be a very good thing for YOU. It will be uncomfortable for a while but you will end up calmer than ever. And your child will be okay.

    Look for a therapist that is competent in dealing with your challenge, be open to accept the way you are and to then change what needs to be changed.

    Best wishes to you and your child in the new year!

    anita

    December 30, 2015 at 3:10 pm #90940
    Shun
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I am not saying I’m the victim of the situation. I don’t know why you have to put a title on what I’m feeling? I don’t need you to reply to my post and tell me what’s going on with my life because I obviously know. I’m aware of what my previous post as well and have not once changed the story. Yes, bravo, you know that I intiated the separation, (not because I wasn’t in love) just because I did doesn’t mean I should feel any less than I should and just because I chose to sleep with my husband doesn’t mean I still shouldn’t feel the way I do. I don’t regret keeping my child and I don’t blame the hormones for everything it’s just simply me venting out about how the whole situation I’m in sucks. Simply me opening up here because this site is for that purpose.

    Everytime I post something, I always get such bad vibe from you. Your post are harsh but the truth but a bit more on the judge mental side than comforting. My very last post, you we’re advising me to get an abortion and now all of a sudden you care about my child’s well being? Seems a little fake to me.

    I know my mistakes, I’m not a victim or suspect in the situation. I’m just simply a human being who’s experience painful events in her life either I’m the victim or suspect or outsider or who ever. But you are in no position to say and point fingers that I’m putting myself as a victim and basically telling me that’s the cause of my pain.

    But thank you for your replies, there are some points that you did make a lot of sense and was helpful. I just didn’t like the part where you basically told me to stop being the victim like as if I deserve feeling this way. Atleast that’s how I see it.

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 11 months ago by Shun.
    December 30, 2015 at 8:37 pm #90971
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Shun:

    My concern for you and for your child is sincere, her on this forum. I really do wish you well. I have a very soft spot in my heart for the innocent children coming into this tough world. If you think I got some point right in what I wrote before, or here, please do consider those. I too am in the process of healing and improving, every day. I want the same for you.

    And it is true, I felt judgmental about you in the past, but not anymore: this very change is part of my healing. And you helped me in doing that: thank you!

    anita

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