Dear Angelgirl:

Maybe this is why you’ve been puzzled about being a decent person and yet not having been rewarded with a good life- Karma, your mother believes in Karma, lots of people in India and elsewhere believe in Karma.

If Karma states that doing good for others will lead to having a good life, it  is clearly not the true. Maybe if we do good for others and for ourselves, then we will live a good life. Ourselves first, we have to think of our own well  being first, before thinking of others (in most life circumstances).

Because you don’t like going to India, I hope you don’t. You like having your mother with you, then I hope you have a good time with her.

anita

Dear Angelgirl:

You are welcome. “feel happy once in a while” is all anyone can hope for, can’t feel happy all of the time. This is why -people invented heaven, a place where people (in a next, imagined life) are happy all  of the time, non-stop happy. No  one can be content all of the time either, Nirvana is another imagined life, if I understand it correctly, where calm is a permanent experience, all good.

Wealth, how about great wealth, owning many homes, a whole little town, or an island, all the material possessions  possible, best vacations money can buy.. not even then is happiness or contentment possible all of  the time. After all, each very rich person who goes to bed at night knows all can be lost before morning comes and no amount of money can protect him or her from… losing it all, anytime.

It helps to understand life better, as it is, to let go of ideas that are not true to reality.

I hope you do find the strength that you need, “the energy to go on”- it is amazing how… no mater how we feel, we still have that energy of life. Life is a very persistent form of energy, it is stubborn, resilient, creative… and yet, temporary.

anita

Dear Angelgirl:

Welcome back to your thread. I don’t think you should go live in India because you wrote it yourself: “I don’t want that”.

You are stuck right now, and have been stuck for a while, lonely and nothing exciting happening. We all have to have meaningful social connections (a must for us, being the social animals that we are!) and we have to have something exciting happening once in a while, something new and exciting.

Take care of these two things: some social connection and something exciting, not necessarily the most exciting, but somewhat exciting, and you will feel better, feeling alive again.

I will need to re-read your previous posts when I am better focused and reply further. Please add anything relevant to your struggle and I will reply to you later, either in a few hours or tomorrow morning (in about 18 hours from now).

anita

Dear Angelgirl:

You are very welcome. I will soon be away from the computer and back to your thread in about 16 hours from now. Feel free to add anything you want to add before I return to you.

anita

Dear Angelgirl;

I just re-read all  your posts. Here is my input this morning:

1. I suggest that you see a doctor in the next few days for the inflammation/ health issues you mentioned. After you take care of that, get into a daily exercise routine that will fit your health situation. Join a gym perhaps (there are gym rooms in hotels while you travel for work), attend yoga classes, swimming perhaps, some weight lifting in the weight room, other exercise.

2. Your mother is having all her teeth removed and false teeth put in- a painful and uncomfortable experience- but it will be as painful and uncomfortable for her whether you are there with her or not,  as long as she has the necessary help that she needs there. If you are in India with her, her old teeth and gums will not heal and she will not grow younger, healthier and stronger. She will still need her teeth removed and it will still be painful and uncomfortable for her to get used to the false teeth.

3. You expressed a belief that a childless woman is a lesser woman and I strongly disagree. A childless woman of any age is way superior to a woman who treats her children badly (and there are plenty of such mothers). And a childless woman is not inferior to any woman who is a mother.

You have the freedom and responsibility to choose what beliefs promoted by your (or any) is true and valuable and what is not. Also, you have the freedom to not live in India or anywhere most people believe that a woman is worthless if she is unmarried and not a mother.

4. I hope you are not seeing that friends with benefits 39 or 40 year old man who didn’t take you out, wouldn’t be seen with you in public, and asked you to  introduce to him Eastern European women. This is a humiliating kind of an arrangement and you indicated yourself that he was taking advantage of you and was cruel to you. I understand that you suffer from a low self esteem (much of it because of what I mentioned in #3), but the arrangement with that man will keep you in that low esteem state of mind and life.

5. Congratulations for the new job. Focus on doing a good job, excelling in it. As you make money, save it and plan to use it for your own benefit, for your future. You don’t have family to look after you and take care of you now or when you get older. So use your money accordingly.

6. You wrote earlier in the year that you might go back to dating sites once you are employed again. If you do, take a proactive approach. Don’t tell a man what you need and then leave it up to him. Instead, be in charge and stay in charge, not passive. See to  it from the beginning that the man’s interest is clearly to not have children.

You repeated in your posts this point: “I’m a decent, genuine, affectionate woman. Yet I have nothing in life”-

– you cant have much of a life if you are not decent, genuine and affectionate in the ways you treat yourself and in the ways you demand that others treat you if they want you in their lives!

anita

Dear Angelgirl:

You are welcome. I appreciate you being as gracious as you always have been toward me and other members who responded to you, appreciative and kind.

I understand that you are still grieving not having taken the traditional course of life: one lasting marriage and children, living perhaps near extended family. You find yourself living alone in the UK away from a country you don’t want to return to, a certain kind of limbo: not here, not there.

We are social animals, really it is impossible to be content alone and lonely. We crave social connections and thrive in one that is safe and reliable, one we can count on.

My goodness, Stockholm is even colder than the UK, isn’t it? What is your favorite weather- if you could live anywhere in the world, where would you choose to live?

anita

Dear Angelgirl:

Than staying in the UK (not moving back to India) is what you should do. It so happens that I don’t have children either, only I never really wanted to have children. Because my experience of childhood was so unhappy, I didn’t want to bring children into a world I perceived to be unhappy. Interestingly, at your age I too was divorced twice. And my one and only healthy marriage took place when I was five years older than you. I say, there is a chance for you too, to have a healthy loving marriage. It is not too late.

anita