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I can't find help, so I need to die

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  • November 10, 2015 at 8:36 am #87154
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * Thank you, Jennifer Ma. Didn’t go through a second time…
    anita

    November 12, 2015 at 6:32 am #87267
    Dernell
    Participant

    To : Jessica
    I read everything”

    your situation really touched me”….Honestly” I cried while reading”…..

    I don’t even know you”, and I have lots of LOVE” for you”…..

    Since you told us all something so deep” and serious”… ( a CRY-OUT-FOR-HELP” )…

    I too have been there exactly” where you are now at”…now older 37 years of age. I’m a black male, who endured” lots of hardship” from my mom, growing up as a youth”…

    Minus the father” figure and little brother part”…

    Just as your mom brutally” beats you”…The same for me as well. You name it, from knives” being thrown” at me, to getting kicked’, stomped”, punched”, and punished” for everything”… some times it felt like just breathing was a crime”…

    Then there was dealing with school”. Not something that I excelled in…
    But the one thing that hurt” more the any, was the VERBAL” ABUSE”….

    Some how the mental things destroy” who you are. AND create a negative” affect” of paths” in our life’…such as FEAR”/ ANGER”/ REGRETS”/ the feeling of SELF WORTHLESSNESS”/ DEPRESSION”/ WORRY” /DRUGS’/ and LONELINESS”/ even SUICIDE”…

    Believe” me, been there it’s a very dark” place to be at, and very hard” to get out of… And you are already there”…

    We are all very concerned” about you” and your little brothers well being”… Some are saying to leave” others hold out one” more year till you are 18 years of age”.

    But what if the year” doesn’t ever come? words for thought”…. Your mom could hit you in the wrong spot” and you never” recover” from it! or your little brother…( not that hitting is okay to begin with”). BECAUSE ABUSE TO ANYONE IS’NT OKAY”…EVER” VERBALLY OR PHYSICALLY”…

    PLEASE! SAVE YOURSELF”, AND FIND REFUGE” in order to be SAFE” and around your little brother…

    I wanted to die” and I’m still here, 37 years old” and ticking”..

    As you allow time” to pass by life” makes room for you” to smile”…Not that you will forget or won’t be scared by it mentally”, but you” will seek out positive” ways over come it…( even the deepest of wounds heel throw out time”) meaning cuts”/ example I’m sure that at a point of your life, you had a serious cut” weather it was by falling or something random”. It hurts so bad”, the pain”/ and the thought of putting rubbing alcohol” on it would make it feel worse”.

    But you did any ways only because you knew” that the pain from the rubbing alcohol” was temporary”, and that it would cure” the cut”, and within time it healed it’s self” leaving maybe only little scar” there for a reminder”… As you continued on with YOUR LIFE”…………………………..PLEASE DO’NT GIVE UP!
    WE ALL CARE ABOUT YOU AND LOVE YOU”
    DON’T EVER STOP WRITING”…..

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 1 month ago by Dernell.
    • This reply was modified 9 years, 1 month ago by Dernell.
    November 13, 2015 at 10:37 am #87344
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Reader:

    I think that it is a probable possibility that Jessica does not exist, not as a 17 year old girl writing this thread and the ones preceding it. Truth is stranger than fiction so it is not the strange story of her life that makes me think she is fiction. It is not the few inconsistencies or what does not make sense- there is a lot in non-fiction that is inconsistent, does not make sense and often enough, insane. There is another reason, upon reflection, that hit me. Here is the latest correspondence I had with Jessica, or “Jessica.” As you can read, she (or he) allowed me to share that one email with all of you here, on Tiny Buddha:

    11-11-2015: “Anita, I just read something today. It said ‘if you commit suicide, you are letting your enemies win’. That woke me up so fast. I can’t let my abusive mom win. She doesn’t deserve that. I’m not going to give her that. I’m gonna fight. It’s scary as hell, but I’m going to. I’ll protect my brother, and I’ll fight her if I have to. And I mean fist fight. I’ll beat her hard if she comes at me, and I’m not going to stop… And when I can eventually leave this place, I will delete her existence from my memory. And all those people who told me to ‘give her a chance because she’s my mom’ can go fuck themselves. I know that my mom is beyond dangerous, and some parents will just never change. She may have a caring side, like you mentioned about her inner child, but that doesn’t excuse shit. She’s was never my mom, and that’s okay. But I’ll put up a fight and kick her out of my life for good.”

    Later: “Yes Anita, you can post this. However, I’m going to have to stop seeing her as my mom. I believe that’s what’s holding me back from hurting her in self defense. I admit, the act of hurting her still scares me, but what I’ll try to do is be verbal. I will verbally starts sticking up for my (brother), and if it calls, I’ll be physical. As for her abusing my dad, I’ll stay out of it and let it happen. She has so much hatred for him, and as much as I want to help, it most likely won’t do much help. Still, I’ll just accept my dads cowardly behavior, and keep him in a special place in my heart.”

    And my last email to Jessica or “Jessica”, 11-11-2015:

    “…At this point, and since yesterday, I do not know if Jessica, the 17 year old girl, really exists OR if there is a person pretending to be Jessica, someone whose name is not Jessica, someone who is not 17 and may not even be female.

    The reason I do not know this is because your thinking is very, very unusual, in my life experience for a girl so young, who has been abused for so long and still is abused presently. In my mind, you are either a very unusual 17 year old OR you are not 17, not Jessica.

    If you are not Jessica, then I figure you have a motivation to pretend you are Jessica. If so, whatever the motivation is, it will not come to fruition. It will not be achieved. It will not happen. The impersonator will NOT succeed. Therefore, i recommend the impersonator stops all efforts. ALL efforts will fail.

    If you are Jessica, then you are most unusual, one in a million with clarity of thinking uncommon to any age of a person that has been abused as you have. I am glad you promised to LEAVE for a shelter before you entertain suicide again. It will be indeed a great loss to the people who will greatly benefit from knowing such an unusual person in the future. It will be such a shame to eliminate such a clear thinking, courageous, resilient, UNIQUE individual, great shame.

    If you are Jessica, I hope you take this doubt that you even exist, as a great compliment by me: so unusual you are, that I doubt you are real!”

    What do you, dear reader, think about this? Do you think her thinking is unusual for a girl in an abusive home still and ever since her beginning? Something very unusual? I do not want to give the probable impersonator a lesson on how to be more convincing, so keep that in mind.

    I did not receive an answer from Jessica or “Jessica”- If I receive an email from her on my private email address, I will block it. I will be very, very careful if (and it is a big, big IF) I will ever give my private email again on this forum. If Jessica or “Jessica” wishes to answer, she can answer right here, on this thread.

    Again, for the sake of the benefit of the doubt, if Jessica exists, Jessica: you are such a positively UNIQUE individual, that it is very difficult for me to believe you are real!

    anita

    November 13, 2015 at 6:36 pm #87416
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Anita please, be,I eve me, I am not fake! You’ve helped me so much already through all of our conversations. I literally wanted to die on that day I lost my metro card, but you stopped me from humping off my school building. But…how could you deny me? I thought that we had some type of connection. I know, that I sound like I am much older that I am, but I am 17! I don’t know how else to prove it to you, unless you want a picture or video of me through email. Or i can tell my tumblr blog or Facebook account,Mexico both have pictures of me. But please don’t leave me! You’ve been such a great help. Don’t leave, please Anita don’t leave. I don’t have many people to lean on, and you are the only person that I felt have helped me so much. Please, Anita, I am Jessica, and I’m 17.

    November 13, 2015 at 6:38 pm #87418
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    And sometimes,es I might not respond since Im usually doing some other activity. But I really am Jessica, a 17 year old! I guarantee that it’s true. If you want my Facebook or Tumblr or Kik, I’ll give it you! Just let me know in this thread and I will give it to you! Please, I am real!

    November 13, 2015 at 6:41 pm #87419
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Please please please please, dont leave me. It was hard enough not having anyone to talk to about my moms abuse. I can even send you a picture if my mom, or tell you how to get to her Facebook page! If you want me to do any of these, I will do it!

    November 13, 2015 at 6:42 pm #87420
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Stay with me Anita, dint leave my side. Please, I dint have any adult besides you that I can talk to. Please Anuta, please stay with me. I really won’t know what to do if you don’t keep in contact with me.

    November 13, 2015 at 6:45 pm #87422
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Also, of there are many spelling or confusing statements, forgive me. Anita, please, I will give my Facebook, kik, amd tumblr account. Send you a real picture if me, a video, a picture of my mom, I WILL DO IT!!!!

    November 13, 2015 at 6:47 pm #87424
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    But Anita, how could you put a comment like that to readers about me being fake? I though that you atleast cared! Are you telling me that all of a sudden that you don’t give a damn? Again, you’ve been such an amazing help. But I can’t believe that you would put a comment like that. I feel betrayed.

    November 13, 2015 at 6:48 pm #87426
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jessica:

    I am not leaving you. I am sorry you are upset. I am here in Tiny Buddha. I do doubt you exist. There is a possibility that you do, and it means in my mind that you are most unique individual. I am here.
    anita

    November 13, 2015 at 6:50 pm #87427
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    How could you Anita, do that to me. I thought that I actually had someone that I could talk to, one that actually cared and didn’t try to make excuses for my mom, and your denying me? Why? Why would you Anita? Why? I feel like you really dont care about me, that you don’t care about what I’ve been through.

    November 13, 2015 at 6:53 pm #87428
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I mean, I get how you would have some suspicion since this online and not in person. But, Facebook, tumblr, Kik, picture and videos, I will do it right now if you want. Tell me, I will send it to you so you can see for yourself.

    November 13, 2015 at 6:54 pm #87429
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jessica:

    You gave your real name here, on this forum, and the city you live in, the state you live in. And the name of the college you attend. And yet you claim your mother will kill you if you talked to a therapist, if you tell anyone what she did and is still doing to you. And yet,anyone on this forum, concerned perhaps with your abuse, can contact the police in the city you say you live in and give your name, first and last and the name of the school you attend… and you are not afraid this will get to your homicidal mother?

    anita

    November 13, 2015 at 6:57 pm #87430
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I mean, I never though about it in that way. I just wanted a place where people could atleast hear me and umderstand me. I get it, that it’s a huge risk. But I really don’t have anyone. I guess you still aren’t convinced that I am 17 year old girl. If you aren’t just say so. If you really and truly doubt me, I can give you evidence right now.

    November 13, 2015 at 7:01 pm #87431
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Again, I know that it’s risky doing things like this in any site, but, I just want some form, of help. The counselors at my school are horrible. My therapist laughed in my face! I can’t even go to any of the therapists reccomended to me here. Im not allowed outside without having to tell me mom exactly where I’m going, and even if I could do it in between classes, I would have less money in my metro card. My mom, and I’m being serious, checks the money I have weekly. If I don’t have a certain amount, she’ll hurt me.

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