Jessica,

Sweety, all the troubles that you are going through because of your family will not go away simply because you are not around. At the very least, it really sounds like your brother needs you. What will happen to him without you?
Find a better therapist. I think you might have good luck ( because I can see that you already have) trying to get advice from this website. I have tried counseling through my college as well and it never works out. I have put a lot of time into self help and helping others, only to find that tinybuddha.com has the most purely helpful and unbiased advice I can find.

Jessica, there isn’t anything you can do to change others. You have held out for 17 years now;that is a lot time! You can keep it up until you’re old enough to be on your own. I know you’re not a kid anymore, and you’re in a tough spot between the freedoms of adulthood and the controlling/abusive nature of your family. But remember, change too takes time. You can go about handling this by helping yourself personally, or by going to the authorities, thought I know the idea of going to officials is scary and you’re feeling alone.

What I think would benefit you is working on controlling yourself. You are NOT doing anything wrong so please do not take what I said like that. Instead I think you could benefit from working on your self esteem, enjoying things in life because there is never a reason not to, and accepting every person, thing, idea, thought, feeling, and situation for what it is. ONLY what it is. Do no give into negative thinking because it makes everything so much worse, dear.

I would suggest you going to the authorities because you don’t want your younger brother to be in the situation you are in right now, right? The change/drama/emotions if you do go to the authorities will be crazy, but you know that it will be worth it. The only way you will be able to truly get past this current part of your life, deal with everything in your past, and have a happy future is if you get out of this negative cycle entirely. You have a bad family, but don’t let them be the cause of your suffering. For every negative, fight it with a positive. If you have to constantly tell yourself positive things to balance out their negative, do it.

The last thing I wasn’t to say is journal. You enjoy writing to an extent, obviously. That is something for you to cling to, if nothing else. Journal all the negative, keep going until you feel you have written what you needed to, since having a conversation with these people around you probably is not an option or worth it. Reread it, and ask yourself “Do I really feel this way? Truly? Or is a lot of it stress from the situations, the people?”

Please read some of the posts on this site about positive thinking, stress relief, and loving yourself. If YOU crate a positive space inside you, because YOU is all you will always have, then that positivity will also be something you will always have. You are doing good, Jessica. After everything you have and are going through, here you are; going to college, actively seeking help for yourself. College will help you get out of this place you are in, but you need to put as much into it as you want to get out of it. Work your a** off for that bright future you want, even if you don’t know exactly where you want to be yet, or if your values change over time. Either way, it will take time to get to where you want to go, but not as much time as you have already put willingly and unwillingly into your family situation.

Suicide will get you quite literally no-where. You deserve the right and the chance to make your life AMAZING. You will make it through this, but commit yourself to improving your life. You will get out of it, positivity and opportunity, only if you allow it to happen and bring some positivity into your life yourself. Once you begin doing this, good things will happen to you.

-Laycee

Dear Jessica:

If you attend therapy, it is not going to fix your mother’s behavior.

Take a bag big enough for a few of your clothes and personal items, papers you need, any money you have. Place that bed behind your bed. Tell your brother why you are leaving, that you hope to be able to help him one day, but that for now you have to help yourself. And leave. When you exit that apartment with your bag, know in your heart and mind that you are never going back there, that you are closing this chapter of your life. Never go back, not to that apartment, not to anywhere your mother is. Tonight or tomorrow morning.

Leave. In the next 12 hours, leave. Go to a police station, ask for a ride to a shelter for you. A shelter for abused teenagers. Say and do whatever it takes to not go back, to never again see your mother.

anita

Is it easier for you to stay, Jessica? That is my question.
anita

Dear Jessica:

Like I just wrote to you in a private email: I asked you to visualize packing your bag and leaving, close your eyes and see it happening in your mind’s eye so it becomes more of a real option in the future. So then when you think of jumping off a school building you will see packing your bag and leaving as a real option.

Please close your eyes, and calmly SEE it, see every step of it. Prepare for it as an option for later, so you remember it as an option.

anita

Dear Jessica,

It’s Jennifer here. I did not share earlier with you, but I myself also went through a stage where I had wanted to commit suicide 3 years ago. I’m grateful I did not, otherwise I wouldn’t be here responding to you. There are options out there. If you leave, what will happen to your brother and dad? They will be only left with guilt, pain, sorrow, immense burden for the rest of their lives.

And btw, I like your writing…I can envision you becoming a writer one day and helping others out of the darkness too.

There is nothing wrong with venting…we all do that. You have the right to do that.

If you don’t feel comfortable seeking a therapist, how about going to a nearby church? I myself am not Christian, but you can always find a pastor or someone you can trust to talk about your situation. Maybe if you tell your mom you are going to church, that maybe easier to tell her than to say you are seeking help.

I found this multicultural non-denominational church in Brooklyn maybe you can pay a visit:
Brooklyn Tabernacle http://www.brooklyntabernacle.org/the-church
You can even just submit a prayer request online. Or see if there’s a church near your college or home. Maybe you can pop by during lunch or right after school.

If you need to talk to someone right now, this again is available 24-hours:
(212) 673-3000
http://samaritansnyc.org/24-hour-crisis-hotline/

We are here for you Jessica.

Big Hugs,
Jennifer

Jessica and Anita,

I was thinking maybe the 3 of us can connect via email to chat about parental issues….

I offer my email here menchiesjen@gmail.com.

Hope you can give me a shout within the next day or two!

Thanks!
Jennifer