I I understand what your going through because I have recently gone through simiar experience of online dating and dealing with dissappointment after dissapointment when opening yourself emotionally, which I think comes from having expectation of putting your happiness in another person.

To answer your question, I think you can find lasting happiness in your life if that is what you want and focus. Inner peace and happiness comes from working on the inner world and not outer world.

Hope this makes sense and helps 🙂

Dear Desolate:

I read your latest post and re-read part of your original post.

You wrote regarding the online dating experience you had: ” I just can’t emotionally handle it anymore…(‘it’ being:) repeatedly opening myself up when getting to know someone and constantly being let down, lied to, taken advantage of, etc.”

This is my input about your online dating experience and how a different attitude and MO may work for you, if you try it again:

Do not open yourself up like you did before, not on first, second or third dates. That didn’t work and so, abandon it.

Instead, observe, learn and evaluate. Use Online Dating as a school you are attending. Keep your focus on learning who this woman is and who that other woman is. Pay attention. Ask questions (gently, not in an interrogative way). If she asks you a question, keep your answer short, or tell her you are not ready to answer this one yet.

Meet the women in a coffee shop settings during the day, if possible, or otherwise in early evenings. No big-dates production of dinner-and-a-movie. You are doing this to LEARN, not to date.

If a woman survives the first two casual meetings and conversations, if you and her are interested, meet in a park – again, during the day if possible. Continue to learn.

Slowly, gradually, it may happen that a particular woman, maybe one out of a hundred, makes a very different experience for you, and it being a Win-Win experience. Then you start dating her.

Until then, this is not dating, it is learning. Exclusiveness is for dating, not for learning. Be open with your objective, to learn as it is a good policy for the woman as well: learn who the person is before you get emotionally invested.

anita

Dear Desolate:

Your profile- good idea to edit it or put together a new one. Make it honest, straightforward. If you’d like you can post it here (or parts of it) for (my) input and suggestions. If you’d like that is.

anita

Hi there,

It sounds like you’re taking action for action’s sake (online dating) and not taking inspired action…so many people do online dating because it seems like the logical thing to do, without or before doing the inner work on themselves first to nail down what they want in a partner, what will make them happy, feeling what it would be like to be in the ideal relationship, etc. This means it’s not mandatory to kiss 100 frogs (or in this case, frogettes) to attract the ideal partner!

In other words, I’m talking about the law of attraction, and wondering if you’ve used it or would consider it. I highly recommend a book called The Soulmate Secret by Arielle Ford (and it’s not just for women; many men read and used her techniques to attract their perfect female partner.) I’m still working on it myself…got very close but the last guy was married. However, we did not meet in person and it ended very quickly…but it also meant I had (and maybe still have) some beliefs about abundance and availability that need to be cleared up. He read one of my blogs for years and had reached out one day. I’m relating this because it’s proof that it’s quite possible to attract a partner without using online dating. When you use LOA and get in touch with yourself and feeling good, you’re going to feel inspired to take action that’s inspired and feels good…maybe check out a new grocery store in town or take an adult education class or join a gym, etc. Online dating is definitely not the only way people meet, even today! There are literally thousands of ways the universe can help you rendezvous with the right person.

So by all means, give up online dating if it makes you feel good, but keep milking the feelings of being happy and grateful with your life (as it sounds like you already on.) And when the time feels good, write out a list of what you want in your partner and think about how you would feel being with her. Then ask the Universe to deliver it in the right way.

Also, you can never truly ever give up on a desire. But you can give up on how you think it should or will manifest. Just be happy, and let the Universe take care of the rest.

Pamela

Can’t is an interesting choice of words. Unless you are dead, or similarly impaired, can’t probably isn’t a viable option in terms of dating.

While I haven’t done 40 dates, feel your pain. Usually don’t get to a third date. Financially and employment sound, I just don’t flash it around. I prefer long term planning to instant gratification, so my stuff isn’t really flashy.

I have a melancholic personality which probably doesn’t help.

Think about how you approach things and how you wind up looking.

Hi Desolate (or Hopeful),

Sorry to hear about the end of your relationship and well done for getting out there again into the dating scene. Good for you 🙂

I completely agree with Anita that rather than giving up, you need to change your MO: it was a logical starting point to begin with dating online because it’s direct and convenient. However, when that didn’t work out well for you, instead of saying to yourself “online dating is not the best option for me to meet a person that I might start a relationship with”, you’ve immediately progressed to “online dating isn’t going so well, ergo dating isn’t for me, ergo relationships aren’t for me, ergo I’d better prepare myself mentally to be forever alone”. Do you see that that’s quite a leap and that you could be a bit more creative/think laterally and experiment with other options first? 🙂

The problem with online dating is that people are trying to jump-start emotional intimacy.

Recognise that a lot of online dating is attempting to do exactly that – take shortcuts in getting to know strangers well. It is no surprise that you are feeling that you “can’t emotionally handle it anymore”. No-one can; it’s too hard to keep bringing “the real you” to the table again and again, sharing intimate details like values and dreams with people you haven’t met before and might not meet again. It’s not your fault you’re trying to do it this way; people haven’t got used to the medium of online dating yet. It seems like a simple solution to a complicated problem. However, while technology may have advanced, the human heart is still the same; learn to be gentle to it, both to yours and to others’ too. Don’t try to immediately jump in the deep end; be patient and dip your toe. If the water is warm you can wade into a relationship step by step.

Ultimately, I agree that dating is not for you. Forget about dating. Try socialising more instead. I’m not saying I think you’re anti-social, I promise, but I get the feeling your interests aren’t so gregarious. I know that you said that you are happy in yourself and do things that make you happy, and that’s really awesome. However, the activities in your life are currently not throwing wonderful, compatible women into your path, so that means that you would do well to widen your net. In short, you probably need to get out of your comfort zone. I would step off the online dating sites and onto interest sites, such as “meetup.com” in the city you live in. Find some groups you’re interested in, or activities you’d like to try, like hiking, salsa dancing, pottery, learning a new language, going on pub crawls, book clubs, watching cult movies together, walking tours of your city, etc. Look for activities that are likely to be mixed genders – this is important. Look for a wide enough circle of friends that new people can move through, so it’s not a completely incestuous closed circle of people, but not so large that people never get close and become friends. And most importantly, something you enjoy so much that you’d keep doing it and loving it even if it never brought you a date.

I understand you’re an introvert – I am, too. However, if you’re doing things you like you’ll find a source of energy and a way to interact with the people you do it with that works for you. You may even end up finding a safe space for yourself outside your home; a second sanctuary. Imagine if people could see you at your happiest and best without even stepping into your home. What would happen if people could see the real, relaxed you shining like a beacon but without incredible expenditure of energy or vulnerability on your part?

Being yourself in stimulating but safe situations with other men and women around you with similar interests is best, better than dating. Being in this environment will mean that someone suitable who you might not even have considered before will start to become really special (and sexy, too!), because they’ll be at their best and most relaxed as well. You can’t control love, or control who exactly you meet, but you can control the situations you are in. Spend more time in situations that are conducive to love and you will not be able to help falling for someone over the next few years, and there’s a good chance that that someone (and maybe others) will fall for you, too. And in this situation, it will be a deeper connection than dating as it’s been built over time, under less pressure, and based on mutual interests. Also, they will have more personal accountablility as they are known by mutual friends, so they will be more likely to behave with integrity towards you. And this is the best guarantee you get, really. Sure beats reading OK Cupid profiles and you’ll learn some salsa moves along the way.

Anyway, sorry for the ridiculously long reply – I hope some of it is useful. Sorry if it’s not! I’ve just never found dating to be a good way of finding partners; personally, I’ve only ever fallen for people I’ve spent a lot of time with and who I’m really comfortable around. Out of curiosity, how did you meet the person you broke up with this year? Was is a dating website or something else?

Wishing you all the best and I’m sure you’ll find your way.