I wonder if its the hot middle east

in iraq the other day it was 55°C. so yes it is very hot

that is the reason you are awake so late at night?

we got air-condition and i dont go out a lot. but the reason was i had anxiety the day before and hardly slept few hours. luckily i was able to sleep yesterday by 6 in the morning. this is why i imagined talking to you for hours. cause i was anxious and couldn’t get out of bed because i was too tried or sleep. i would never say that i was if you wouldn’t ask.

the reason i was anxious is because my mother told me that my brother has an old friend that he want to come over our house and meet my brother. the problem he told my brother that he likes woman. and when my mother told me that. i was super angry and anxious, because he is using my brother to get  to my mother and my brother is too stupid to know that. i was afraid that when he comes i have to deal with him. and i have to protect my mother again. and i thought you might be right about that (i failed to protect her when i was a little) and that (i wanted to protect my source of love)

i felt so alone. and i always feel this way when im angry and sad. i always deal with it on my own. cause i dont like to depending or needing  people and i should Train myself to be better at it alone. cause im gonna stay that way. i always felt that if i have anxiety or any mental health related issues there is no help. i just have to suck it up. i do workouts meditation talking to people and i still have it. i feel so helpless against such thing.

What motivates me is curiosity

that is good. for me nothing else motivates me. just my basic desires.

 I am learning about you. And as I learn about you, I learn more about me.

you mean as human or as you learn more about your own life?

protect your mother from this young man’s

he is his teacher. so he is in his 40s i think.

and his friend is attracted to your mother

no but he said to my brother that he likes women. my stupid brother who has no mind (and im not even saying this out of anger) didn’t thought of protecting my mother.

sexual advances toward your mother

no he can’t of course do anything. its so silly that i brought it up in the first place cause its too much to explain. basically when my mother brought it up she was afraid and i was afraid that i wont be able to protect her or that i will be helpless. nothing actually happend as he never came.

I hope you feel just a bit less isolated because you communicate with me

i do feel less isolated. i also feel good that im able to show my fantasy persona and that it is ok. i feel like i could never be this person (im my fantasy) in real life.

who.. does have a mind?

my brother has a lot of mental health issues to the point that he is ignorant about them even when my sister tells him he don’t believe her. just like my mother. he doesn’t know if a person is using him or not. he has the mind of a child and he doesn’t learn from his experiences.

I mean, what is it that they have in common, I wonder

its a common case. where the guy wants something from him (the teacher) and use the friendship to get that thing (which is talking to my mother and have her as a girlfriend (not an a good way). see men in iraq do that. try desperately to get to talk to a woman (this is why its hard for me to talk to any female). but they want to have girlfriends because there life is so empty. even when they are married

as in what is the danger to her that she needs you to protect her from

him harassing her. thats it really. since i had that role when i was younger and since she is too weak to defend her self and always like to depend on people. i feel worthless if i don’t.

i will give you an example. one day we went to buy  something for me. we got in one store and the guy said something to harasser her  in front of me and i couldn’t do anything i just said lets get out. i didn’t ever want to go out with her again. and whenever we do i feel anxious someone gonna say something like that. i was 17 and i felt bad for days i even decided to not go out with her and not to buy things (by not wanting them). since my father never cared to take me out and buy me things it was always my mother. and i had no friends to go out with or anyone. i didn’t even know the street very well and if i wanted something its either my mother or not wanting it at all.

who is this “fantasy persona”/ “this person in my fantasy”?

a needy weak and vulnerable male. someone who is really nice and like to do things for others. loving and caring and not anxious about those things.

yeah its such a relief that you said this. i remember few days ago i was going for a walk. and i saw a woman on a Bicycle. i was just glad and felt something for a few seconds. it was the first time i see a woman on bicycle and i just like it when i see women more free to do things.

in the past when i used to have anxiety and used to go to school and have so much more pressure. i used to fantasize about being hurt by a woman. this fantasy actually was from my younger years. i don’t know if it was the pressure or that i actually like it (i still like it but i just don’t fantasize about it anymore or desire it much like i used to). i know it is alright. it is not a sexual thing. its just satisfying when i fantasize about it. the first thing that comes up to my mind to why was (she cares enough to hurt me). i actually never knew why. maybe because i like to be weak and (under her mercy). or because i want to be hurt to need her and be more weak.

i remember actually. its not the pain itself that i like but what comes after. the care and love. i had the idea that she can truly give me that if she actually saw me getting hurt. i knew back then i might be into bdsm. i hated that for a while, cause i know most woman dont like that (submissive‎ male). and i hated the fact that im weak. i used to be mean to myself because of that and had a lot of self-loathing.

i dont fantasize about it anymore because i don’t actually have a good imagination as i used to and i don’t think it will ever happen. i actually hardly fantasize anymore i just imagine talking to people and cuddling.