Dear Murtaza:

I am guessing your really wanted to be friends with that teacher, and that you were very disappointed that you didn’t succeed being his friend. Did you try hard to get him to be your friend?

anita

Dear Murtaza:

I know about Fantasy. Here is what I know about Fantasy: it is a product of a young child’s mind where everything is possible and what you intensely want, when you imagine it happening, it is the very best feeling in the world, the very best emotional experience.

Fast forward, as the child grows up, nothing in real life can feel as good as Fantasy felt. I don’t fantasize anymore because I know too well, that whatever I fantasized happening, when it happened, did not feel  as good as I imagined it to feel, not even close.

If your teacher chose to be your friend now, it won’t feel as good as you imagined it to feel. Same with cuddling with a strong, independent woman. You may have a few good moments here and there, but.. we always get to have good moments here and there once in a while.

All in all, Reality is a better choice than Fantasy, generally speaking. Exceptions exist, of course. Living awake in reality overall feels better than Fantasy.

anita

Dear Murtaza:

What I understand about you is that you wanted/ desired so much when you were younger, but received nothing, or almost nothing, of what you desired. When a person desires for so long and gets nothing, a person gets tired of desiring, tired of  hoping.

So the person gives up. It is similar to this: when a tree needs water for a long time and gets no water (the earth is dry, no water in the ground), the tree sheds its leaves (hopes, dreams and expectations), and over time, the branches will get drier and drier, break and fall, and after a long time, all that is left is just the trunk of the tree and roots that gave up on finding water.

“I always have low expectations in real life so I probably won’t get disappointed much”- that’s you being that trunk of a tree, shedding expectations, hopes and dreams. That’s you giving up on your branches and leaves.

“When I fantasize it’s like watching a really good movie. I’m not in it. But someone like me… What’s so good about reality?”- reads like nothing is good in your personal reality, other than the ability to fantasize, and making life as easy and comfortable as possible for yourself (dropping out of school, not seeking employment, living off your father’s retirement).

You pointed to a disadvantage to fantasizing: “I feel that the only bad thing about fantasy is that it makes you have expectation”: Fantasy satisfies desire temporarily, so you can sleep at night, but it also feeds desire, so you have to fantasize the next night, and every night.

You wrote earlier: I was raised with false hope and damaged logic”, and later you wrote about your mother: “She is very hopeful and doesn’t use logic”. I asked you yesterday: “what were the false hopes? What was the damaged logic?”. You didn’t give me any information regarding the questions I asked, saying “It isn’t anything specific” (which is saying nothing at all).

Because your screen name is Iranian, as far as I know (you may be  Iranian or not), I googled and found this website, looking for clues to the answer I didn’t get from you (what were your mother’s false hopes and damaged logic?)

The website is iranchamber. com/ society/ articles/ patriarchy parental control. I will quote from it and in parentheses share my thoughts with you (I will be guessing and wondering a lot):

“… Traditionally, the male head of the family would make most major domestic and financial decisions and quite often with consultation with other male relatives, but not female members of the household. This has changed with modern Iranians. Now wives and grown-up children participate actively in such decision-making” (I am guessing this is not the case in your household, that neither you nor your mother are involved in decision making. I wonder though how your father has responded to you dropping out of school and not seeking employment)

“… Family problems in general and children’s problems in particular are kept inside the family. In such cases most people prefer to try and solve them on their own rather than seeking help from outside” (I wonder how true this is in your life).

“The education of children is a major issue for most Iranians and the affluent families spend a fortune to make sure their children will have the best possible education.. Most decisions, about what to study and what path to follow, will be taken by consulting with parents and other elders in the family… Parents who can afford it are expected to pay for all educational and living expenses” (I wonder if your father and mother are expecting you to go back to school, if they see your current stay at home doing nothing- assuming you are doing nothing- as temporary).

“.. In short, although there is much parental control in Iranian families, the warmth, affection and immense love that most Iranians have for their children eases the tensions and most children willingly feel obliged to trust, obey the rules and comply with their parents guidance and advice. However, if such affections and trust are missing and it does happen, conflict between generations or self- destructive behavior by children such as addictions and use of violence by parents, mainly fathers, could be expected” (You wrote about your father that he  “didn’t bother much to raise us. He was a bad influence”.  I am guessing you didn’t receive warmth, affection and immense love from your father. On the other hand you shared that your mother loved you a lot. So I am guessing that you did receive warmth and affection from her.

I am guessing that your mother has been warm and affectionate with you, being the singular source of warmth and affection in your young life. But she was weak and maybe abused by your father. You wanted to help her, to protect her from your father, to protect your source of love, to be strong for her, but you failed.. which leads to your fantasy of cuddling and being close to a strong and independent woman- unlike your weak and dependent mother).

“Dysfunctional families have become a lot more common in Iran and amongst Iranians outside the country; however, it is still a taboo with many to discuss family matters openly or with qualified councilors. The educated and modern classes deplore parental and spousal violence but beating up children and wives is  known to exist amongst the less educated and lower classes” (I wonder if your father beat your mother and his children, you included. I wonder if you greatly needed to rescue your mother, and that it led to your intense feeling of being powerless, too weak to help your mother. I wonder if what you desired more than anything was to help your mother, to rescue her, to make her strong.

I wonder if what you meant by her “damaged logic” is the damaged, weak logic of what she told you when you tried to talk sense to her. Her logic was weak And her hopes were based on that weak logic.

anita

• This reply was modified 4 years, 6 months ago by .