Hi Matt,

I’ll offer you my point of view, which isn’t really based on any particular teaching, but is just how I view this world. I don’t claim my view to be any kind of absolute truth. Just something I’ve observed in myself and in others. So handle my words with a healthy amount of skepticism, but try to keep an open mind 🙂

I think we are all tender and vulnerable, but then life happens and we experience things that hurt us deeply. We get scared, and while we’re scared and seek for protection and understanding from others, our pleas for help might be dismissed. Left to our own devices, we start to create these shields at a very young age and as a result, we have these rather immature ways of coping with stressful situations. When we feel under threat, we automatically summon this bigger, meaner big brother or sister, that quickly hurts the person back who tried to hurt us. Or who we perceived to be hurting us. I think that we all have these reactionary sides to our personality. It might be the only way to feel safe when we are younger and feel powerless. When we get older, we start to suffer from the consequences of those actions, so it’s time to learn new ways to protect ourselves.

I personally don’t see evil as some kind of force. I see it as a void, where love and compassion has seized to exist for what ever reason. Darkness can not exist when there is light, but when the light goes out, everything becomes dark and cold again.

In my humble opinion, you need to start tending to your tender and vulnerable core. Give more room for the part of you that is in desperate need to be seen and heard, to be loved and respected. You can’t outsource that, though it is of course a good idea to seek people who are kind and loving (and try to steer clear from those who also try to suppress their emotions). Speaking from experience, it is not easy. To open up, even when alone, seems to trigger this other part that was created to protect from hurt. It requires a lot of time and patience to learn how to calm down when things inside your mind gets heated. Probably a lot of painful thoughts come to the surface, and you’ll have to acknowledge them. What has happened, has happened, and it can’t be changed now. Reality needs to be acknowledged and accepted, but you can do it without passing judgment. You’ll probably realise that when you can look at things with love and compassion, guilt and shame turn into sadness and deep understanding. You accept responsibility and forgive yourself.

You have the possibility to oversee these different parts of yourself; the vulnerable part that feels like other people are taking advantage of, and the aggressive counterpart that reacts to the hurt with actions that get you into trouble. Nobody can actually take advantage of you without your permission. When we’re children and teenagers, it’s a different story, but as adults, we can set boundaries and we are in charge of what we give and receive. You don’t have to borrow money to anyone, even if they ask or try to guilt trip you. You can say “no”. If you do decide to lend money, only lend as much as you can afford to lose. If someone doesn’t pay you back, then that’s their wrongful actions, not yours. That is just an example, but I think it’s good for you to recognize that you actually have power over yourself and your own life. Set your boundaries and also give more room for your neglected self. No other person can do this for you. As you experienced, even a therapist can completely fail to see and hear you, as they are too busy focusing on the superficial. But you know yourself and you know what you need deep down. So give yourself that what you need.

There’s this documentary that I’d like to share with you. It is about Vipassana meditation and how it was used in a prison in India. The documentary actually made me want to take a Vipassana course, which I will some day (they only have one once per year in my country). I think it is a wonderful story of how one can come to terms with the painful reality and learn to react to it with compassion, rather than avoidance. You can watch the whole documentary in YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WkxSyv5R1sg

I actually have been writing this for about an hour already + some ruminating in my mind before that. It’s difficult, because I know exactly what I want to tell you and make you see, but it is so difficult to put it into words and to organize the thoughts that are actually feelings. You are loved and already forgiven, you are seen and heard, but you just don’t know it yet.

Having a tender and vulnerable spirit doesn’t take away from your masculinity, by the way. A man with a kind and loving heart is much more powerful than a man who denies his own humanity.

Matt,

Stepping into your shoes for a moment is easy for me, We have lived similar lives. All I can surmise right now, is that like me, you may carry an accursed karma from a past life (the saying: “karma to burn” applies). While you are truly a peaceful soul, you attract difficult situations into your life. I know what this is like. The friends you have who may be treating you like a doormat, while seemingly superficial, will still be important. If you can open up to them, it may be more beneficial in the long run than a shrink (never liked them either). When you feel as though you need to put your foot down, just remember that its a test, and raising your kamma is easier by being accepting of others rather than trying to assert yourself in a destructive way.

My two suggestions for you, one, do some volunteer or charity work, become a big brother, do selfless acts with no expectation of reward (legal ones ;)) it will not change anything overnight, weekly, or even in a month, but once you establish a pattern of living selflessly, you become more in tune with your higher self. secondly, to deal with the nightmares & hallucinations, look up how to perform “yoni mudra” and do this while lying down in bed for about 5-10 minutes each night. You will likely still dream and have visions, but it is all part of a process of spiritual cleansing and growth. Aside from that, there is a certain 3 letter substance which inhibits dreaming…..but I would recommend trying the mudra first.

good luck, you are loved.