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I bumped into him and now everything feels like its falling apart again

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  • July 19, 2018 at 3:07 pm #217729
    tonorli
    Participant

    I bumped into my ex at the weekend and I feel like it’s taken me back to square one. I tried for so long to cut contact with him as he couldn’t give me what I wanted which was to fully commit – I kept going back to him when he gave me enough hope.

    Finally 3 weeks ago I said to him I couldn’t do it anymore and I needed to cut him out of my life. It was hard as I know I could still have had him in my life, just not in the way I wanted – but I don’t know which way is worse anymore. It was breaking my heart only to be together on his terms, and it was bringing out all my insecurities.

    I had felt like I was getting through it and starting to move forward and the final cut of contact felt like a physical thing for me which was good. However I bumped into him at the weekend and since, it’s as if I can’t think of anything else except him and what we had. I live in a small enough city and so we just chatted very briefly before I said bye, however later that night I saw him again but walking with another girl. I don’t know who she was but it doesn’t matter, it was just seeing him with someone else made me feel sick. I just keep thinking back to the start when what we had was full of potential and excitement. I feel like I’m going insane and I just want to let go of this horrible feeling, it makes me feel so uneasy and upset.

    I know he is back on dating apps , making it so hard because he will find someone else and I’ll be the one who wasn’t enough. It’s the feeling of rejection that hurts the most. He always talked to me in such a caring way, that we left it on good terms- however it nearly makes it worse because I’m so heartbroken because of him, and I know his actions were not as nice as his words. I spent months crying on and off because he would go hot and cold.

    I just feel trapped in this and like something constantly feels wrong and uneasy. I just need to get it out of me because I am so lost and don’t understand anything, or what the point of him was. I still love him but can’t express it and all I want is him.

     

    I know I’m not alone but I just feel so lonely

    July 19, 2018 at 3:53 pm #217737
    Michelle
    Participant

    I want to give you a hug. I know this is hard. I’ve been there myself. The best answer I can give, which is also the hardest to be receptive to, is to let time run it’s course. Keep yourself busy. Read, travel (if possible), discover new sides to yourself. Your break-up is still fresh that’s why it hurts so much.

    Having said that, I know that some people in life – even if they aren’t good for us at the end of the day (and this guy wasn’t good for you – take hold and it’s very, very difficult to shake them. Being told to “discover yourself” just seems insulting with what you are feeling inside. I know when I was in this state, I stalked his social media and even drove by his neighbourhood just praying for an encounter so that he would finally see that I am the person he should be with. I was a mess with false hope.

    But it never happened for me.

    Chances are slim it will happen to you.

    Treat this as a learning experience. Never give too much of yourself to someone who gives so little in return. Take this opportunity to love yourself so much that you will never allow someone to treat you like this again.

    July 20, 2018 at 1:14 am #217799
    tonorli
    Participant

    Thank you so much for this response, I think the ‘never give too much of yourself to someone who gives so little in return’ hit home, and I do think this experience will help me find greater self-worth. I think it always feel like you are going through it alone and nearly embarrassed for feeling the way I do, but it really helps to know other people have felt the same way, and it isn’t a permanent feeling.

    Thank you so much xx

    July 20, 2018 at 7:02 am #217829
    Paula
    Participant

    I’m responding to simply let you know that you are not the only one going through this. I managed to cut contact completely with my ex for 3 years. I finally said, I am over him. Until he called about 3 months ago and I answered. Every it of pain and feelings for him came back and it feels like a complete relapse. Best part is, I think I am just lonely and he is a familiar feeling that I am latching onto. I know it’s bad for me, but it’s comfortable and I do it anyway. Working very hard at breaking the cycle, but just know you are def not the only person feeling this way. My heart aches for you as well.

    July 20, 2018 at 9:38 am #217897
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear tonorli:

    You wrote, “I just feel trapped in this and like something constantly feels wrong and uneasy”- this is the natural experience, I believe, that happens when you are separated from the object of your emotional attachment. Not very different from a child being separated from her comfort blanket, something feels wrong and uneasy.

    Of course this man is not a blanket, but he is still the object of your attachment. So it feels wrong and uneasy, for now. Later, when the attachment is weakened and then gone, you will feel much better.

    anita

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