I believe you need to start with forgiving yourself and accepting that you are human. Not one person in this word is perfect, and not one person in this world is unworthy of love and forgiveness.

You are a different person now than you were when you were 18. You experienced life, emotions, new ways of thinking. It is impossible to go back, and even undesirable. Every experience you have, every choice you make, are a condiut to growth, and valuable in their own way. You may not believe this now but sometimes being broken to the core can lead to amazing things. Still your mind, and listen to your heart. All the answers are there, wiating for you to see them.

Your feelings regarding your friend are understandable. After what you went through, it is normal to have doubts and wonder whether it will happen again. Again, still your mind, and listen to your heart. What does it tell you to do?

Reading your life story, another thing stood out for me. You were never truly on your own, without a man, to learn who you are on your own. When we are in a relationship, we inevitably change slightly to accomodate to the other person. If we never experienced a period of non-relationship, so to say, how can we know who we truly are? Because of your self-doubts, self-disgust, do you think it may be a good thing to distance from a relatiosnhip so you can claim some time to truly heal form all the emotional turmoil?

Jenn, we all start as children and I believe we all go through some sort of turbulence before we stabilize. You are not alone in your fears, your are not alone in feeling you are broken. Whenever we start something new, whether it’s something as simple as riding a bike, or as complicated as building a space station, it is normal to feel a certain degree of fear. But you will also feel excitement. When you feel the vibration of the right path/answer for you, you will feel a sense of peace and profound relief. That’s how you will recognize the correct path for yourself. No one can give you the answer, just pose the question to get you started. And when you start to feel doubts again, which will inevitably happen, just remember that sense of profound relief and keep going forward.

Begin by saying “I don’t want to hurt myself any longer” and take small steps towards the path that feels right for you. Once you start, it will pour out like an avalance and you will build more confidence and comfort in knowing what to do next.

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