It used to be that I had loads of energy. I could run five miles like that. I am 28, and for the past few years something hasn’t quite been right.

My life in many ways feels stagnant. I have been laid off a couple times and have ping-ponged back and forth between moving out when things are good and I have a job, to moving back in with my mother when times are tough and I get laid off. I broke down last night talking to my mom, telling her I am tired of feeling so battered down by life. I lost a lot of friends by my own choice and through circumstances where I felt like I wasn’t getting the respect I deserved. I formed some new ones, people who really care about me but I have lost the social life I once had. Most of my few friends are older than me (40s, 50s and 60s). I am 10 months clean from pot and alcohol. Pot was my way of dealing with life and primarily with all the anger I carry around. It’s not been easy, I have had to learn to cope with my emotions by being present with them if and when I can. That has been a true gift for me, but I feel like at this point it’s taken a lot of focus and energy to get there.

The thing is, I sleep well, I eat, I exercise. I just quit smoking a week ago, and even so I only used to smoke a cigarette a day. I am trying also not to masturbate since I have heard this can be detrimental to energy stores.

I want my energy and my passion for life back. I have had a job for the past few months but living at home is taking its toll. I am tired of living in my hometown, where I feel stuck in the past. I want to move to a new city and make new friends my age. I have not had sex in a long time. I feel like in a lot of ways I have given up on living the life I want to live. Being an adult means considering the 360 of a decision, all the practicalities. Is there such thing as being overly practical? I feel like I don’t know what I want because anytime an impulse comes up I label it simply as an impulse or a passing fancy, and that I don’t want it because there are too many obstacles and at the end of the day, the desire is not realistic. And I just give up. I want my energy back. I want my passion back.