Thank you Anita!- to answer a few questions you had- the 27 year old was a senior counselor- legally a minor isn’t allowed to supervise kids, I was just a helper- where the senior counselors supervised and managed the kids. I did not seek help for social anxiety- no. I went to the school counselor for OCD compulsions when I was 13 but I haven’t spoken to anyone professionally about my mental health since then. My ocd symptoms do not come up as frequently as they did when I was younger- and I know how to manage them. My lack of motivation, and people pleasing tendencies are things I do not know how to deal with. My social anxiety started when I moved schools in 5th grade. I was the new kid- and that’s where the bullying started. I remember someone threw a chair at me in 5th grade, I had an individual threaten to burn my house down and I stayed up for weeks scared the individual would come and do that- as they knew where I lived. I completely forgot to mention-

I was punched in the face  at school by an individual who I was friends with- I remember saying to them that coffee made people short- the individual was short and drank a lot of coffee and then I was punched in the face. i felt bad for making fun of them I remained friends with them for a year after that- more incidents happened. Maybe four months after I was punched in the stomach by them. I Don’t remember why.

I rode the bus to school. On the bus, I was tackled and pinned to the ground for a few minutes I don’t remember what I said to my friend to make them do that but they weren’t happy- I don’t really remember what happened after that but I am pretty sure the individual threatened to choke me- I don’t remember crying but I’m pretty sure I was because the person pinning me was laughing at how I was crying. the bus driver yelled at the individual before they could choke me. I was called ridiculous and childish for not forgiving them for that- I did eventually. I thought this was all stuff that happened to people sometimes- I didn’t tell my parents even though a whole bus of 20 people were watching- no one got in trouble.

when I was little like 4-5 I used to be aggressive to others I hit a girl once because she turned one of my friends against me- I don’t remember how I stopped becoming aggressive or why I even was aggressive in the first place. I held guilt for years- and maybe still do even though I was 5 years old.

I  was pushed down the stairs by someone I thought was my friend -a different friend from the bus incident- I remained friends with them as well because they told me they were stressed from final exams.

my bus driver (50 or 60) always called me chatter box and would tell me that I talked too much and how I just needed to shut up and no one cared what I had to say. Needless to say after two years of being told that daily I never talked on the bus. I wore headphones the whole way there and the whole way home. One day I walked by them and they were talking to another kid about how I was so quiet.

I feel guilty introducing myself to people and talking too much about myself. I feel guilty in daily conversations with my parents for talking too much about something I’m learning. I know I can talk a lot about things that I am learning so I try not to. I hate talking to quieter people who like to listen it makes me uncomfortable. Sometimes even now I wish I was someone who doesn’t chat as much. Im also a push over- I let people call me names and underestimate me all the time and just sit there nodding. I hate that I feel the urge to share my knowledge- because I know that no one wants to hear it- and I end up sounding like a know it all. I hate talking Because I always feel so guilty.

Hi Anita!
I don’t think that mental illness is an entire cause of some of the things that have happened to me such as bullying- I think that I’ve always had ADHD which can contribute to the bullying. But I think my social anxiety is a result of the bullying. I was diagnosed officially with  OCD and generalized anxiety disorder when I was 12. I have not had the ability to talk to anyone in order to be diagnosed since I was 12. I do not have an ADHD diagnosis but I suspect I have it. When I was diagnosed with ocd the school counselor- who was licensed- said that I show signs of autism. So maybe that’s a factor as well. My family has a history of OCD and social anxiety. The symptoms I experience have been occurring for years. And still do such as impulse control, talking on and on. But I have much better control over what I say and how to keep other people feeling happy in situations. I have more of a filter on my mouth then when I was a kid and I try not to share my opinion with anyone because I have no desire for confrontation. I don’t hurt peoples feelings with my words very often anymore. But I also don’t talk to many people.