Hello Anita!!:

I chuckled when you talked about my parents. It’s just me and my dad. He’s quite relaxed in nature, he just gets weird and stressed when he’s working and such. I’m thinking he should be good. When I was younger it was always fun but…

I am excited yeah, the mountains are the best. And snacks!!! Ahh. I love pizza too. I hope your day is really awesome anita.

I’ll write in later again.

sincerely, Lea

Dear Anita:

I appreciate the praise. Honestly. I will say today has been pretty decent. I was feeling a bit lonely just now. So I went to go see my cows. It helped a bit but I still feel a bit sad. Oh well, What can you do I guess haha.
There’s this song I always listen to called ‘Silver Lining’ and it always reminds me that everything isn’t always just one thing. Someone can be sad but slightly hopeful.
I messaged K and wished her a happy birthday and a good year. She responded with a simple ‘thank you- you too’ I think whatever relationship we had has run it’s course. I don’t expect to see her again. So I wanted to send her well wishes.  I probably won’t message her at all anymore.
I will say my mom has been extra ‘that’s how people are’ ‘half the world is stupid etc.’ lately and it’s really starting to bother me. She also made a comment yesterday that irked me. My sister brought up how I was bisexual for some reason- and was saying weird stuff and I was really uncomfortable because she was talking about me like I wasn’t there. my mom shut her down and told her ‘She can’t even be sure if she is bisexual because she’s never dated anyone before- I especially don’t think she is- just look how uncomfortable she is right now’

my mom has not said anything like that since I was a young teen. I was completely taken aback. I didn’t try to confront or argue because she’s always right anyway lol.

one question that’s been in my head all day is: how am I ever going to meet anyone if we’re in lockdown? This camp job was going to be my socializing for the year. The girl I was catching up on the phone with then blurted my whole bullying story to? She blocked me after that. I don’t want to be alone forever. I have my pets, I have you Anita, I have my sister and my parents. That’s it. When my dog died you were the first and only person I told. I had no one else to tell. As a 19 year old I think this is kind of sad. I don’t go on social media anymore because it triggers an OCD response and some sadness me to see pictures of other people with their friends and/or significant others’. It’s not that I’m avoiding triggers it’s that I don’t want to be upset all the time. I dunno. I don’t have Instagram or Facebook anymore because of this- and the fact I have no one that I feel the need to connect to if that makes sense. Anyway, I’m determined to have a good night and to have a good weekend. Best wishes Anita!!

sincerely, Lea

Dear Anita:

Sleep well. I will keep making progress the best that I can!!

one more thing I wanted to talk about are my day dreams. These day dreams are something that brings me excitement. They are often very vivid and one story can last weeks. Instead of watching TV sometimes I’ll just lay in bed with some music on and day dream. My daydreams are often a love story. There is almost always a day dream that I’m ‘working on.’ The current one I’m in has lasted almost the whole month. Every day dreams involves me proving myself to or impressing someone. There are 4 types of day dreams I have.

1) type one. My own life. These are rare. I rarely daydream about I myself finding love- although it has occurred. My last day dream where I was dreaming about being loved in a relationship was several months ago. I was me. I met someone at a younger age (in high school) and he became my best friend. I daydreamed a lot of details- what trips we took what photos we did etc. I then got a very prestigious degree in university and some people who doubted me were impressed, I got married and I I daydreamed about some happy details and- the end. I have also been in ‘secret’ relationships (usually the secret relationships are with women) then I show up one day and surprise my family or someone I used to know with my relationship- they are impressed usually, usually they’re hurt that I didn’t tell them, which for some reason is satisfying.. I find it harder to daydream about how a relationship dynamic with me and a woman would go- but I definitely have daydreamed about it.  I don’t daydream about myself finding love anymore because I (this sounds sad but) cannot picture myself in a senecio where someone is loving me as much as I love them- I find this very difficult to imagine.

2) I make up two characters and make up their backstories and love stories. This one is the most common daydream I have. It has similar themes of characters proving themselves- they usually have tragic backstories which they overcome to find love. Usually character 1 and 2 run away from home fall in love and years later end up going back home to their parents or friends. The surprise on the imaginary parents and friends faces is what is satisfying. The fact that the parents and friends do not know these characters because they have been apart for so long is the most satisfying.

3) achievement, Usually with this one the goal is to prove that someone can be happy and/or successful without someone and that they don’t need them. Usually this one is a character who leaves home. changes the world, ie: solves world hunger, global warming etc and then meets their family and/or friends again and doesn’t need them. Can prove to their family that they are just as happy without them.

4) double life. These ones usually involve made up character- but I have been in one of these before. For some reason I always find it easier to imagine stranger ms in love or doing stuff- it’s so hard to imagine myself doing stuff. Anyway- character lives one thing and has a secret side life- ie secret spy, secret job and then one day they end up having to show their other life to their friends/family and they impress the family/friend- and the friends: family are upset that they didn’t know about the second life.

I don’t know why my daydreams revolve like that- and it’s very weird. I find my social interaction in these daydreams. They’re very vivid- like movies and have very intense and long storylines. The daydreams are addictive and I can be consumed by them on occasion. Today I ended up daydreaming for two hours without noticing- yikes. So now I’m making up for that wasted time. I am not schizophrenic- I know they are not real. I don’t think I could stop daydreaming- because they literally are the only way I can have ‘other people in my life’ I’m not sure if this makes sense at all. I don’t consider my fake character in my head my friends. Think of it like watching a tv series- except I wrote the storyline, I did the casting, I directed- and it only plays in my head. Does that make sense? Anyway. I’m interested to hear what your thoughts are on these daydreams. Sleep well anita- and/or good morning!! I hope you are well! (Sorry this is so long)

sincerely, Lea

dear anita, see you then.

Dear Lea:

“Someone can be sad but slightly hopeful” – again, it is a sign of mental health to be able to experience (and notice experiencing) two emotions: one that feels somewhat badly (sad) and another that feels good (hope). This kind of mix motivates us to keep going, to achieve goals, while a mono-experience of sadness, without hope, can take us deeper into sadness, perhaps depression.

“my mom has been extra ‘half the world is stupid etc.'” – and she considers herself to be in.. which half? More importantly, in which half would you consider her (if there were indeed two such halves)?

Your mother told your sister about you: “She can’t even be sure if she’s bisexual because she’s never dated anyone before- I especially don’t think she is- just look how uncomfortable she is right now’… I didn’t want to confront or argue because she’s always right anyway lol”- it was mature of you to not confront or argue with a person in the … always-right half of the world.

She may have a point, in regard to you knowing that you are bisexual even though.. basically, you never had sex with another person, male or female outside of fantasy (right?). But if she has a point, then she herself cannot be sure that she is not bisexual because she’s never dated a woman before (I assume she didn’t).

As to your mother and sister having a conversation about you as if you were not there- it makes me cringe.

“my day dreams. These daydreams are something that brings me excitement. They are often very vivid and one story can last  weeks… sometimes I will just lay in bed with some music on and daydream. My daydreams are often a love story” – so far, this is exactly what I did and experienced as a teenager! Although I don’t remember how long each dream took. I remember waking up in the morning, setting the stage for my daydreaming and going on with that dream all day long. To me, it was as captivating as watching a movie in the big screen in a movie theater.

I wrote the above before I read this: “They are very vivid, like movies”.

“Today I ended up daydreaming for two hours without noticing”- I so can relate to this!

“I am not schizophrenic- I know they are not real” – neither was I schizophrenic and I knew they were not real, but they sure FELT good, and felt REAL. I miss those times!!! (I don’t daydream anymore, not for many years).

“I wrote the story line, I did the casting, I directed” – because in my mind, I did such a good job casting and directing, I … daydreamed about being a movie caster and a director!  Also, I started writing movie scripts!

Many of my daydreams were about “proving myself to or impressing someone” as well. One was about being an international dancer, cheered by a huge audience and watched on TVs all over the world. P.S. I was never a dancer and am clumsy that way. Another was about being a world leader of some kind… there were so many. Like you, I was very much alone and lonely.

I will read and reply to your most recent post after I submit this one.

anita

Dear Anita:

“She may have a point, in regard to you knowing that you are bisexual even though.. basically, you never had sex with another person, male or female outside of fantasy (right?). But if she has a point, then she herself cannot be sure that she is not bisexual because she’s never dated a woman before (I assume she didn’t).”-

that is a correct assumption. The bolded is exactly my thoughts. Sure, I have never dated, I could never be really sure until I do. That I understand. But it was the way she said it that made it weird. And as far as I know she never dated a woman.  if following her logic- we don’t know if my sister is straight because she’s never dated a man before? Right? When my mom questions my sexuality because I’ve never dated (happened more when I was younger)  I tell her the same thing: ‘It just means that I am open to being in a relationship with someone who is either male or female. The gender does not matter to me right now. What is important is who someone is-their personality, how they treat me and others around them. If I find someone who speaks to my soul and that makes me happy- I don’t care if they are a man or a woman.’
The whole conversation and the way they had it like I wasn’t sitting right there made me extremely uncomfortable.
Anyway moving on.

“Today I ended up daydreaming for two hours without noticing”- I so can relate to this!“

it made me really happy that you can relate to me in this way. I’ve tried to explain them to lots of people but I’ve never met anyone who gets it.

Many of my daydreams were about “proving myself to or impressing someone” as well. One was about being an international dancer, cheered by a huge audience and watched on TVs all over the world. P.S. I was never a dancer and am clumsy that way. Another was about being a world leader of some kind… there were so many. Like you, I was very much alone and lonely.

first, I’m very sorry to hear you were alone and lonely in your younger years. Loneliness is not a fate I would wish on my worst enemy. It makes me sad to hear this as you are such a wonderful person. Also- I’ve been a dancer before too haha, I definitely cannot dance though (though like you I am very clumsy. I’m tall, but I am not lean, tall and skinny. I’m not fat, but I’m very muscular in a strong looking curvy way haha. 5”10, 170lbs.)

so far, this is exactly what I did and experienced as a teenager! Although I don’t remember how long each dream took. I remember waking up in the morning, setting the stage for my daydreaming and going on with that dream all day long. To me, it was as captivating as watching a movie in the big screen in a movie theater.

I cannot express how almost relived it makes me feel to finally have someone who ‘gets it’ it is just a captivating as a movie sometimes.

but they sure FELT good, and felt REAL. I miss those times!!! 
So true, they can feel pretty real sometimes. There have been times I’ve teared up from something that happened in a daydream. When I was younger they were always much worse- I could control when they occurred and I’d miss things- but now I can control them, and I plan 1/2 of an hour a day for when I can daydream.

my mom has been extra ‘half the world is stupid etc.’” – and she considers herself to be in.. which half? More importantly, in which half would you consider her (if there were indeed two such halves)?

Ive never asked her honestly though I would assume she assumes herself to be in the not stupid half. I (if this did exist) would consider her very intelligent (not stupid). She is highly educated, (medicine) used to work on vaccine development for highly contagious diseases for almost 15 years (she did not work on the COVID vaccine) . she is also very emotionally intelligent and she used also taught university chemistry at one point (she has her phd) . My dad I don’t think I mentioned is an aerospace engineer (also phd) So both of my parents are highly educated. This is in regard to COVID- since my mom is very familiar with vaccines- she believes COVID could be gone if everyone did their part and got vaccinated. I believe that COVID could be gone- but there’s nothing I or her could do about it and she cannot control other people and their decisions. calling them names and stupid doesn’t help the situation in my opinion.

Someone can be sad but slightly hopeful” – again, it is a sign of mental health to be able to experience (and notice experiencing) two emotions: one that feels somewhat badly (sad) and another that feels good (hope). This kind of mix motivates us to keep going, to achieve goals, while a mono-experience of sadness, without hope, can take us deeper into sadness, perhaps depression.

Yay! I am happy that I am showing signs of being mentally healthy! I do want to share one more thing. i remember in fifth grade, it was mental health day. I had not been diagnosed with OCD yet. I remember wishing that I could be mentally unhealthy- so that someone would pay attention and help me. When I was young I wished to be sick- I don’t know if I ever told you the story, but when I was in fifth grade there was a boy in my class and he had cancer. Before he was diagnosed he was that quiet kid no one cared about him no one really cared about his existence no one ever talked to him. He was a lot like me. Then he was diagnosed and suddenly everybody noticed him everyone was buying him stuff, and clapping for him when he would come down the hallway. I battled OCD every day- and while it’s not as serious as cancer- it was a struggle in my head. no one clapped for me and I was really kind of mad about that- in fact everyone in my class that I was weird and crazy.

My OCD used to be really bad I did rituals, so I think it was five times a day I would have to sit down and I had rainbow pens and I would organize them in rainbow order and then put them away. For some reason I believed that this was protecting me from being bullied. Yeah  it was kind of weird. I also had really bad obsessive thoughts. So I will get into these thinking patterns where I would be completely unhealthily obsessed with something. for a while I was obsessed with rocks. I took five courses about rocks, I checked out books in the library about 20 about rocks and I read them all, I collected rocks and learned about the different types of rocks. Months later I wasn’t obsessed anymore and those 100 hours of learning about rocks didn’t matter anymore.
I have  short hair now- jaw length- but I used to have really long hair and I had to wear it in two ponytails or two braids every day because if I wore one ponytail or one braid then my OCD would go crazy insane. I remember putting my hair in a quick ponytail for gym class -just one- and there was a point where I was crying because my hair was just in one ponytail it bothered me so bad. I don’t know how I grew out of these but I don’t experience compulsions anymore sometimes I experienced the obsessive thought cycle but I’ve learned to catch myself.

sorry this  is longer than I intended it to be.

sincerely, Lea

Dear Lea:

“When my mom questions my sexuality.. I tell her… “it just means that I am open to being in a relationship with someone who is either male or female.. What is important is who someone is- their personality, how they treat me and others around them.. someone who speaks to my soul” –

– it may be better if at this point, you present yourself as Romantic with No Gender Preference (RNGP, I just made the term up) than as Bisexual. Because you didn’t yet have sex with any other person, and because your interest in a future partner is primarily romantic, at this point: you predominantly want someone who speaks to your Soul, not to your Sexuality. Do I understand correctly?

I am amazed that your mother has a PhD and your father as well- your academic intelligence is hereditary then. So, your highly educated mother, a medical PROFESSIONAL, is against sending any of her two daughters to a mental health PROFESSIONAL so to help them???

anita

Dear Lea:

Then I hope you will find a romantic/ love partner who will be interested in your soul!

I was surprised that both your parents have PhDs and work many hours, full time, in their professional fields because you live on a farm, raising cows: who does the many hours of farm work???

anita