Hi, again

my day is slowly going down the drain. My mom had a meltdown because my sister screamed at her in her face and called her names. Then my mom complained to me about how she was being abused by my sister. I felt bad that that happened to her but I was mad because when it’s me it gets brushed off and ‘she didn’t sleep enough’ or ‘she’s just frustrated’  I’m angry. It almost feels like my mom has ‘parentified’ me because of my dads emotional absence. I’m genuinely scared for my sister I don’t know what goes through her head or why she acts the way she does but she must have some mental issues. But no one wants to go to therapy so she doesn’t have a diagnosis. I think everyone in my house has a personality disorder. I think my mom has borderline. I think my dad has OCDP and my sister? I’m not sure she is explosive, has mood swings, unpredictable, angry, violent, manipulative (what’s in it for me behavior), lying, she doesn’t respect anyone (not even my parents) and consequences don’t bother her, she constantly breaks promises, promises she will ‘be nice to me’ so I’ll do something or give her something then just continue being a jerk.  and sometimes it feels like when she’s nice she’s an entirely different person. She can be very charming – most adults love her. Most adults do not like me, my teachers always kinda didn’t like me because ‘I complained about the other students’ aka me being bullied and them finding it normal. I think that’s where my desire to please older people has kind of come in.

My mom always tells me when I complain to her about my sister- how sweet and nice she can be. . .She sweet talks her teachers and they love her but behind their backs she curses them and calls them all sorts of horrible names. Swears and such.

my mom always makes comments like “everyone in this house is so selfish but that’s ok, that’s why I’m here” she’s the type of person who cannot have any sort of conflict in her family or she snaps and has a tantrum all day. For example, my sister picks a fight with my dad. He yells at my sister, my mom is talking to my sister to get her to stop yelling at my dad. My sister has one last word. My mom storms out of the room. My dad yells at my sister for being upset, then he storms out of the room- sometimes he will go after my mom but usually he leaves to go do his own thing because he can’t handle conflict. That leaves me with my sister who is emotionally charged I try to talk to her, ask her how she is and she yells at me ‘shut up’ and I say anything she replies with ‘shut up’ I leave her to go find my mom who is either 1 crying in her bed (usually she doesn’t cry so the following is the more common option) 2 doing stuff completely devoid of emotion. Then I try to ask her if she’s okay, to talk yo me and she snaps at me with a comment like: “just another day” “I hate this family we never get along” “I’m fine go do something useful” she’s tense and passive aggressive usually passively snipping at who ever is there about how selfish they are. Then my dad avoids us the whole day, my mom gets angry about every little thing and my sister just is fine. My sister is fine within a few hours. My mom broods and broods for days sometimes. I always feel responsible for her. Usually I end up making her food, doing extra chores etc. Others emotions really affect me and it makes me uncomfortable when she’s like that. My dad comes back completely clueless and oblivious to any tension. My mom is fine after a while and she ‘forgives us’ then it happens all over again. This hasn’t been happening as much recently because my sister only gets explosive when my dad isn’t home- he gets really mad at her for being mean to my mom. My sister is smart enough to never get angry with me when my parents are around. Except for today.

part of my moms issue with my sister is she is really involved in her school work, my mom checks over every assignment every essay that my sister writes. My mom like a helicopter parent almost verging on that- she is very involved and won’t let my sister fail or make mistakes. Me? Heck no, my mom never looks or has looked at my work. She never did when I was in school or my sisters age. I get the occasional ‘you doing good? You on track to finish?” I tell her about my grades I get the ‘I’m so proud of you you’re really smart…” long list of uncomfy compliments. Anyway I needed to rant.

sincerely, Lea

Hello Anita,

No problem, please rest!! I like to think of the child-like acting from my family comes in waves. The symptoms to lots of personality disorders are mood swings. I chatted with my mom because She’s going to run errands and she is completely fine. Apparently she talked to my sister again and my sister is in a better mood now. How come no one stands up for me? Sigh. I rocked myself back and forth and did some positive affirmations, grabbed a blanket and a drink- I’m feeling comforted now. I’m feeling cozy in my office, I wish I could be outside with my cows but ever since the conflict with my sister I’ve had trouble with my hyper focus. So I’m just starting my school work late in the evening. I’m determined to work and enjoy working. I’ll have a good weekend with my cows.

It’s Friday- bittersweet. I’m hoping we can avoid conflict as much as possible tomorrow but I’m pretty hopeful for the future. My moms increased mood has really affected me.

I was doing some reading on trauma coping skills- in early childhood children start to form habits that helps them cope in their families. Whether it be a healthy family or an unhealthy family and depending on the health of the family habits can be healthy some aren’t. I’ve started to identify if you have the habits and behaviors that I kind of picked up through living with family.

Number one as you and I have already addressed the only way I get attention and/or sympathy and/or empathy is when I overdramatize a situation or make a big deal out of it because most of the time I’m forgotten if I don’t. I will say lately I’ve been finding it kind of peaceful to not have that responsibility of going out of my way for attention. I’m focusing on that feeling and hoping it can help me with this habit.

due to my suspicion that everyone in my household has a personality disorder- we experience a lot of mood swings actively myself included although I’m getting much better at being at the stabilize these (I’m really proud of this) I remember distinctly on a daily basis as a younger child maybe 10-11 I would tell my mom I love you so that I could hear her respond- and from the tone of her voice I could tell her she was feeling so I can base my actions off of that. And I always used the phrase I love you because no parent could be angry at her child for saying that no one ever got angry at me. I’ve started to notice how hypersensitive I am to tones of voice, and body language. But especially voice. I can hear one word come to my mom and I can know how she is feeling. I think sensitivity is is a copy mechanism because I live in an emotionally unstable household. One moment somebody could be happy and smiling in the next moment they could be screaming so being able to be sensitive to that would protect a child from possible ‘harm.’

also quickly I wanted to clarify if I haven’t before there has never been any physical abuse from my parents. Never. My parents would never and I’m certain of that. I’ve also been observing recently my dad has a easier time emotionally regulating than my mom does. When he’s angry it doesn’t last very long but when he is angry pig and directed towards everyone. For example he’s working on a project and something goes wrong you can hear him swearing and he’ll be upset about it maybe for a good 10 minutes and then he’s fine. I’m not sure why that is maybe it’s the boys aren’t supposed to have emotions thing.

i’m starting to call this one forced empathy but there must be a better word for it. I’m getting better at setting boundaries, but when I was littler mostly in my early teens- I was seriously affected by the moods of everyone in the house sometimes I still am. my mom was upset and had a bad day it affected me how I did in school etc. I could feel how she was feeling and it affected me same with my sister and my dad. My dad had a bad day at work it made me feel bad. And back when I have friendships followed me into my friendship as well I knew exactly when a friend was acting unusual and was upset. So much so that my noticing bothered them.

last one isn’t necessarily a coping skill from my household family, but abandoning situations. as I mentioned I’ve been left and felt abandoned quite a bit as a child. My grandparents are gone. My aunts and uncles eh. Lots of my friends of left and I’ve been betrayed in the ways where I haven’t been stood up for. I was kind of hurt when people left and so sometimes sharing appreciation or love for other people almost feels embarrassing- because what if they leave me. I remember feeling almost embarrassed in some of the above situations. Also getting too close to people even though it’s something that I really want to have really uncomfortable and just want to flee. And so abandoning situations doesn’t just apply in my relationships it applies in projects I found that right around the time that I was graduating high school any little failure completely demotivated me and I was paralyzed ready to abandon the situation. I can still be like that sometimes but usually when I’m working on a hobby and Something Happens I can easily brush it off because I can go back into hyperfocus to fix the issue (ocd tactics).

I have one more post coming but it’s on a bit of a different topic so I want to do a different post. I just really need to rant I know it’s a lot but I just have a lot to say I guess. I hope you get a good sleep and have a good night Anita.

sincerely, Lea

Dear Anita;

All right, last post for the day. This is something I haven’t talked about before. There’s this girl Who I worked with along time ago. Two years ago to be precise. It was a job, but one of those relaxed jobs. I was a camp counselor, but not at the same camp that I went to as a child. I worked there for three weeks. It was an overnight camp so I lived with the pareterner counselor. At the camp two counselors were partnered together to watch a group of kids. I was partnered with A girl ill call K. I have worked at the camp the previous summer but not with her. But I had worked one weekend at this camp where I was with K. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone that I’ve ‘clicked with’ like I did with K. Even in that first weekend we were telling stories and laughing I had no social anxiety around her and I didn’t feel nervous around her. Weirdest thing ever. Fast forward to when I worked there for three weeks, I was basically with K all day every day for three weeks. It doesn’t seem like a long time but when you think of 24 hours maybe an hour or so apart every day. It’s a long time. We slept in the same cabin together, and because we had to work together we ended up talking. once again I’ll mention I don’t think I’ve ever felt that comfortable with a person -that I didn’t even really know that well- before of my life. we talked about basically everything. We got to the point we would braid each other‘s hair, we tell like ridiculous jokes etc. we would go out and walk some the evening and we just chat. We do our day planning together in the evening. I remember there was one time of the book ended up sitting on her bed and we were just drawing and chatting. There was a point where we made a video together and we spent our whole day off working on this video for fun. I remember doing dishes with her and just chatting. And I remember her braiding my hair several times. There also was a point where we painted each other‘s nails on a day off. I remember gossiping with her about my school life at that time and we were giving each other advise. I remember doing like a daily vlogs and daily routines. let me clarify though that she was quite extroverted, and I at this camp was also quite extroverted because I was quite comfortable there. she was one of those people who wore her feelings on her sleeve so you could tell exactly who she wasn’t a fan of and who she did like. Another pattern that I noticed from working with her is that she feared being by herself. In a group she would find somebody and kind of attach herself to them and they would be really close and then she would switch and go find somebody else to be close to. I remember talking to another counselor and there was one day where I have to go do a special project and so I didn’t get to do it with her and the other counselor was telling me how instantly k and her were best friends. And then when I was back K ignored her.

I remember I had a panic attack i don’t exactly remember what triggered the panic attack but I was sitting on the floor and I’m very loud I was crying and I remember she came in and she sat beside me and she just like put her arms around me and she just sat there and didn’t say anything. I found out later that she had panic attacks too.

Kinda by the last week she started drifting away. From what I do know about her she has intense abandonment issues due to parental abandonment. From what she told me she seeks very intimate meaningful relationships, but from her actions she’s very scared of them. She found another counselor that she started hanging out with and they were kind of chatty and they seemed very close very quickly. She almost didn’t even acknowledge my existence that last week and it brought out not a great side of me. I will definitely say I felt quite hurt by this because I thought that we were quite close but I did read that symptoms of HPD are thinking that relationships are closer than they are so maybe this is it. After I left the those 3 weeks I never did that job again. Even though I loved the job life happened.

I’ve tried to text her before and it’s always very strange. Usually I will just ask something very generic like hey how are you doing, first thing that was weird she would take a very long time to respond sometime she took days sometime she took weeks. When she would respond we’ll go back-and-forth a little bit. And then she would just stop. I started to notice a pattern I would send her a text and we’d go back and forth and  she would only reply to me three times and then she would not text me for exactly 7 days. She was always nice wishing me well and whatever but it was the weirdest thing. Every time without fail she’s done this. The last time I talked to her on the phone was last April- randomly we hadn’t been chatting very much before that. we talked for two hours, it was like I talked to her every day which I didn’t. She then had to go and then she started doing the three text thing.

occasionally I will text her, I used to think that because of her intense parental abandonment issues she would think that everyone would abandon her. so I thought maybe I just need to be consistent in texting her. I wanted to keep in touch with her because I felt like she understood me in a way that I didn’t know why. So I was consistent for a very long time and texting her and then I realized I must be really annoying so I just stopped. I haven’t texted her in several months. But then I was thinking about it I realize that I must’ve thought that our relationship was closer than it was. I mean i must’ve right? I don’t know this is one situation that I’ve never quite understood.

i’m going to work one weekend at this camp later this month. and as far as I know I partnered with her unless she backs out. my mom is encouraging me to go and work there again for a week in the summer because I always had so much fun. But I’m not sure due to my field biology job and my cows can’t come with me. Am I missing something here I really need some advice on the situation. I know you only want me to thank you once a week but because I have made three long posts today now, I wanted to thank you for taking the time.

sincerely, Lea

dear Anita,

I apologize for the unclearNess of my question.
I was just asking if it’s worth continuing to try and have a relationship with her. i’m working with her in two weeks on a weekend- if nothing changes before then. And there’s a possibility of me working with her in the summer as well. We worked well together so our boss always pairs us together. Even right after we work together like a week after I would text her and she’d be really weird. I felt a little sad because I thought we were really close and she didn’t seem to be acting that way. I still think about her sometimes because she was really nice to me. With her and I keep our relationship entirely professional or do you think I should try to reconnect with her on a friendship level? I guess is what I’m asking I don’t know. Would it help if I texted her continuously would she trust me more if I did that I don’t know. I guess I’m basically asking be salvaged or not.

sincerely, Lea

Dear Anita:

you are very correct, I often get lost in my writing and I honestly could write for hours. I’m at a stage where I’m editing the book (I’ve written the whole thing and am smoothing it out) I like to use my book as an outlet to talk about things I think are important. It’s a fantasy book so it has a fun but darker plot. On the bus in high school I used to tell oral stories I made up to younger kids. They loved them, they were always so excited to hear my stories, until they got older and sided with my bullies. The book I’m writing right now is the main story I used to tell  to the kids on the bus. I started writing it in grade 11 when the kids stopped wanting to hear the stories.

“My feel is that your tendency at times is to talk a lot/ type a lot can turn people away from you.” You are correct. I was bullied for this as well, I often feel insecure about how much I talk. I honestly don’t share much with my family (besides the occasional fun facts  haha) I want to get to know someone really well, and I want to have someone that knows me.  I guess when I get to talk or spend time with others I almost feel I have a lot of ‘catching up to do.’
I understand what you’re saying anita! I’ve already been trying to implement saying less sharing less when I’m talking to others. I always feel guilty after social situations because of it. I’ve met people who talk more than me and everyone likes them. I can’t help but wonder what my problem is. My boss at work talks SO much, constantly talking and spewing facts and stories- and she’s so likeable and everyone loves her. I dunno. I’ll try harder I guess. I appreciate it Anita. Have a wonderful day.

Hello Anita,

I’m sorry that it’s late. I had to go into work early today and work later. I’m writing in at almost 3 am. I went into work at 2pm and finished at 12am then had a long drive home. . Well- yesterday.

I have been watching an owl nest (Saw-whet owl- one of the smallest owl breeds in North America- they are SO CUTE) and 6 nestlings hatched last night. I was able to band them all. Happy about that!!

In regards to my boss, I’m not entirely sure so I thought about it as I drove to work tonight then I got there and had a chat with her. She genuinely is so nice. She’s the type of person who remember’s everyone’s favorite drinks and buys them for everyone on a random day. She’s very thoughtful. She talks a ton but she exudes positive energy and honestly it doesn’t bother me and I actually talked to my coworker today keeping in mind what you said. She (my coworker) said that she thinks our boss is one of the nicest people she’s ever worked with and that she (my coworker) finds my boss entertaining and thinks my boss has really good energy. I dunno- there are just people like that- the ones who just make people’s days by smiling at them.

You also said: “people nodding and smiling at someone who talks too much does not mean they like him/ her.” I’m catching myself a bit here but I wrote this feeling in the mind set of ‘there must be something wrong with me because no one wants to have any sort of relationship with me’ I was actually going to justify to you why this statement was wrong because I needed attention but I’m too tired lol so I caught myself instead.

I did school for a few hours yesterday (Saturday) but I didn’t get much done I got distracted a bit before I got to focus- then I had to go to work. I also figured out how to instantly trigger hyper focus and i am so excited. I have more school to do tomorrow.

I was wondering if you had any tips to seem like able, cheerful, kind when meeting new people or even just trying to reconnect with other people. I was also wondering with complete honesty on this forum do you think that I talk too much? I won’t be offended I just genuinely want to know. Also how does one stop being chatty?
have a great night anita,

sincerely, Lea

Hello, Anita:

Its another late reply. I had a really busy day yesterday. I wanted to apologize for making you feel like you have to do a lot of work when responding to my threads. That is not my intention. I have a lot to say I guess. I will do my best to not make long posts, or a few posts in a row. Also don’t feel like you need to instantly respond. A few days between a reply is fine for me!
I’m working again tonight so I’m going to try the notice stop pause when I have to chat with my coworker today. I’ll let you know how that goes! I’ll try to keep in mind some of your advice.
Have a great day!

sincerely, Lea

Hello Anita:

It’s 2:20 am, so excuse my grammar: I just got back from work at 2:00 then I had some chicken soup soup and am laying in bed writing this. I was hoping to get some school work done after I got back from work but atlas I won’t I’m too tired.
My school deadline is June 21st which is exactly two weeks from today- yikes. Not this coming weekend but the next weekend (the weekend of the 18th)  is when I’m going to be working with K at the camp. I have to finish my English course by the end of the week (because I have to pack and prep next week) I have an entire half a course left to complete and the weight is crushing. I also have to prepare for my work trip with K (off the grid and in the mountains)  I’m determined to work my butt off though to reach that deadline. I keep daydreaming about what it’s going to feel like once this absolutely crushing weight of my studies is lifted. I’ve been working on my school so much I haven’t had much time for my pets and I feel so guilty about it.

In regard to my coworker- I visited my data points with her and we collected data for about an hour together. I think overall I did pretty good just small chatting and asking her questions, but there was one time I started talking about my cows- and almost went off but the caught myself quickly and asked her a question. It was overall pleasant and I was relaxed because I enjoy my work and was busy most of the time so I wasn’t focused on anxiety. We talked about work and I asked her about what she’s doing, about her job. I didn’t feel like I missed out by not talking a lot- I thought I might feel unsatisfied or like a craving if I didn’t talk as much (does that make sense?) but I didn’t. It was peaceful listening to her talk and I almost wanted to listen more- she was talking  about a few things that I wanted to hear more about but I’m not quite sure how to politely sound interested and continue to ask her questions. I’ll get there. I tried to be very aware of myself while I talked to her- while also doing my work. She’s much quieter than me and it was a challenge to get her chatting but I genuinely enjoyed listening to her- which honestly is something I didn’t think I would enjoy. She left early and I was disappointed I didn’t get to hear more about her. I’m excited to practice my social skills more.

To conclude, I’m pretty stressed about school but I’m hoping the stress will work in my favor. I’m excited for my trip, and I cannot wait for summer. I’m taking the summer of from uni so it’s going to be great. I was wondering if you had any tips to help me get my work done more efficiently?

Sincerely, Lea