Home→Forums→Relationships→I am not over her
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Eliana.
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August 21, 2017 at 1:21 pm #164998
PeterParticipant“In racing, they say that your car goes where your eyes go. The driver who cannot tear his eyes away from the wall as he spins out of control will meet that wall; the driver who looks down the track as he feels his tires break free will regain control of his vehicle.”― Garth Stein, The Art of Racing in the Rain
When we re-visit past relationships, we tend to be selective about which memories our “eyes” go to.
“Inside each of us resides the truth. But sometimes the truth is hidden in a hall of mirrors. Sometimes we believe we are viewing the real thing, when in fact we are viewing a facsimile, a distortion.” ― Garth Stein
There is always unfinished work when a relationship ends, perhaps even a reason that the relationship ended. When we struggle with a current relationship it is not uncommon to return to the past, if unconsciously, to work out what is happening in the present.
The task is to make the unconscious conscious. What was it in the past relationship that was positive for you and what was experienced as a negative? Are you projecting anything that happened into the past into the present relationship? What lessons have you learned about yourself and which ones are you avoiding? Are you driving towards where you want to go or are you looking at what your afraid you might hit?
“We had a good run, and now it’s over; what’s wrong with that?”― Garth Stein
August 21, 2017 at 2:43 pm #165008PeterParticipantYou might find the following book helpful
How to Be an Adult in Relationships by David Richo
“Most people think of love as a feeling,” says David Richo, “but love is not so much a feeling as a way of being present.”
August 22, 2017 at 10:23 am #165132
AnonymousGuestDear noah:
You started your post with “I am currently 25 yrs old and in an exclusive healthy 1 1/2 year long relationship”- but what you described in the rest of your thread is not a healthy relationship.
It is not a healthy relationship because you, for one, don’t want to be in it, really. Because she has been following your and your ex Facebook accounts for communication between the two of you. Because she threatened suicide in the context of the relationship. Because you “expressed how mistrusted I felt in the relationship” to her and indeed you are not worthy of trust as far as contacting your ex.
For a relationship to be healthy the two individuals in it need to pursue mental health individually and together. I didn’t read indications that it has been the case…?
anita
August 22, 2017 at 3:09 pm #165192
ElianaParticipantHi Noah,
I think I’m some way, you need to have some closure with your ex, whether it is finding out what truly happened to spur the relationship. I also feel in a way, you and perhaps your ex, maybe there might be some reconciliation. I think that is why you continue to think about her after all this time. Maybe what you need is closure.
August 25, 2017 at 9:55 am #165592
noahParticipantDear Peter
Thank you for your input.
You asked me what I experienced that was positive in the relationship and what I felt were negative experiences.
I learned to love myself for who I am, to accept myself with all my flaws and who and what I am in the moment as well as love others as they are. I learned that just because someone loves differently than you doesnt mean that they don’t love you. Everyone is different. I learned that people can forgive but that doesnt necessarily mean they will forget. I learned that love is unconditional and understanding. I learned that love is not just a feeling, it is a commitment, and dedication. It is perseverant. I learned that true love holds no record of wrong.You see the other persons flaws but you dont hold them against them.Although If I have to love you from a distance because that is what we both need at the time then I will do that. Because I feel that is what love is. I learned to be honest with myself and others, especially my so. I learned integrity.
I entered this relationship with alot of skewed ideas about love and dating. I went in thinking I needed her validation so I acted like someone I was not. I lied alot about small things. It stems from a very unhealthy relationship at home but it was abusive and I thought that for this person to “love” she couldnt see the truth. So I lied alot. way too much. and it eventually tore us apart. I still wanted to be the cool kid and go out do cool stuff with the guys and and party but I was physically loyal to her but not emotionally because at the time I didnt think there was anything wrong with what I was doing as long as she didnt find out. I thought I could get away with all kinds of things I would have felt terrible about had she done them to me. I lied alot because I thought she would leave me but I didnt know what the relationship could go through. I would lie to her about the smallest things, like where i was if i was on the way to her house but i was running late for some reason. I was way too into me trying to figure out who I was to think about how the other person was feeling.
negative experiences from this relationship :
One day about six months into our relationship we got into an argument in which we were discussing something that made me uncomfortable and she told me that she was sorry that I felt bad about it but she was doing it anyways when normally if there was something either of us were uncomfortable we always talked about it and came to a fair and enjoyable compromise for both, at least as best could be done. She finally saw through all the lies at this point and I felt she stopped caring but deserved way worse believe me. Im not sure if I would have put up with so many lies. and then at the end of our relationship she ghosted me and I found out that she started dating someone else through facebook through a mutual friend and she didnt say anything to me. I took that one pretty hard but I deserved it and I learned from it. I learned that if you really love someone dont be afraid to be honest. Im not sure if im projecting something onto this relationship from my past. I feel sometimes as if I am. what I I mean by that is that person I am today is kind of shaped from those experiences. Im not sure how else to explain it. other than that I dont believe I am. I dont know if Im driving in the right direction right now to be honest peter. Im confused.
August 25, 2017 at 9:58 am #165594noahParticipantDear Anita
You are right. I havent been on here in a couple of days and I have had time to think a little more about it. this relationship is not healthy. I have spoken to a local therapist and spoke about starting to see him whenever my new insurance policy kicks in. Thank you for your input.
August 25, 2017 at 10:06 am #165604noahParticipantDear Eliana
I spoke to her over the phone about three of four times before I started dating my current gf and she told me that she just couldnt take the lies anymore. she admitted to me that the reason she started seeing the guy right after me was to get over me and that it really messed her up mentally and she shouldnt have done it. she thought that after all I put her through and that she thought she found the one but she was wrong. Every time we spoke over the phone we spoke for hours sometimes. we both laughed a good bit and cried a bit and I think I did get closure and we continued to talk and then like I mentioned previously we went separate ways.
Im not sure about that right now. After reading everyone’s replies I have to agree with anita, I am in an unhealthy situation right now.
August 25, 2017 at 4:29 pm #165672ElianaParticipantHi Noah,
I don’t know..I am confused a bit. You are punishing yourself, for the person you were in the past. The person I see writing these posts sounds like he has grown, matured, learned from his mistakes. Don’t let your past ruin your future. Go where your heart is. Don’t blame the old person anymore who used to lie. You are a new person now, today in the present. Don’t give up on live with your ex before it’s too late. Just some thoughts. I hate to see you beating yourself up over past mistakes.
August 25, 2017 at 4:31 pm #165674ElianaParticipantDidn’t submit properly
August 26, 2017 at 9:48 am #165754AnonymousGuestDear noah:
I re-read your posts in efforts to get a better understanding.
In a later post you wrote: “I learned that love is not just a feeling, it is a commitment, and dedication. … I learned to be honest with myself and others”
I believe you did indeed start the process of learning these things. I used the word process, because your learning is still ongoing. The confusion you mentioned, I believe, comes from not realizing that you are still in the process, that the learning is not finished.
When your present girlfriend threatened suicide, you emotionally reacted this way: “it tore me up inside and I slowly started to develop different emotions for her. I felt that I was falling in love with her”- you figured she really loved you, if she suffered that much as to consider suicide, correct?
Later on in the present relationship, you wrote: “on the inside I felt my feelings for start to go away and I cant explain why”- there is a valid reason for every feeling, a message it sends us. When you can’t explain why, it doesn’t mean there is no reason; it only means you don’t know what it is.
Both parties in a relationship need to be willing to learn and heal, and clearly you and your present girlfriend need to do both. Individual healing can be done in the context of the relationship, the two of you helping each other, or healing may be possible only following a breakup. Your lying to the ex and the present girlfriend secretly following your Facebook indicate no such helping-each-other.
It is not your present girlfriend suffering over a potential breakup that indicates her love for you, it is her motivation and sincere interest in her individual healing in the context of the relationship that is the promising factor.
anita
August 28, 2017 at 6:23 am #165956noahParticipantDear Anita,
it is not that I feel that she could love me that deeply.. I saw the place she was in in her life and it hurt to see her that way. I wanted to help her see that she is valuable beyond what she thinks she is.
and im comfused with what you wrote here anita “your lying to the ex and the present girlfriend secretly following your facebook indicate no such helping each other”
lying to my ex? is that what you meant? im not understanding
and you are saying healing and learning can only come after we break up?
but thank you for your input thus far
August 28, 2017 at 7:06 am #165958ElianaParticipantHi Noah,
Here is what it all boils down to: In your first post you mention your ex numerous times, even after all these years you are still thinking about her, even though you have a girlfriend now, you still think about your ex. What does this tell you? It’s really simple. Go where your heart is.
August 28, 2017 at 8:35 am #165984AnonymousGuestDear noah:
To clarify:
1) “lying to my ex? is that what you meant? im not understanding”- I was referring to you sharing that you lied a lot to your ex girlfriend (“I thought that for this person to ‘love’ she couldn’t see the truth. So I lied alot. way too much. and it eventually tore us apart”) and that your present girlfriend spied on you, using Facebook, since last year. My point is that lying, suspicion and distrust are not congruent with a healthy relationship.
2) “you are saying healing and learning can only come after we break up?”- only if the relationship is unhealthy and is not moving in the healthy direction of honesty and deserved trust.
anita
August 29, 2017 at 7:33 am #166062
MarieParticipantIt’s time to move on. You are just hurting yourself. Wake up!
August 29, 2017 at 9:47 am #166080noahParticipantDear Marie,
don’t you think it’s something i have tried already?
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