No worries, mate. I just don’t understand why she took it to heart that there were other girls before her only to contradict herself going into the next relationship with this new guy where now she has had someone before him. It’s just a bit too ‘thin’ as an argument and almost feels as if she was clutching at straws to come up with something, ANYTHING, to justify her departure(?). I’m sorry to hear about the lack of friend involvement. I had considerable input from friends when came the time of the southward march. It was good to just have people to vent to but what advice they did give was many and varied. I had the empathetic guy who had gone through something identical, perhaps worse, than what I was going through. I had the good listener who just let me talk on and on forever with the obligatory ‘that is BS’, ‘this girl is a maniac’ statements thrown in. I had the stalwart guy who was just always there, always keen to talk about her or anything but her. I had the affirmative girls who made sure I knew I wasn’t an awful person. Anyway, I don’t think it’s necessary to have such support. It really helped but it also obstructed my moving on from her. I would just dwell, as we are doing now, but it would be worse because hours would go by and the thoughts of her would linger with constancy and intensity. At some point you have got to respect your friends enough to know you could very well be draining on them and neglectful of their own problems. I realised this and had to break out of the addiction of friend support and get back to something reciprocal with them. Just make sure if you do seek out advice, get it from likeminded individuals. I have a few in my life but coming on here is just as constructive because you guys seem fairly similar to me in many ways. Just like you, I’ve been on two or three other sites trying to break into tragedies from others that I might relate. But all I’ve found are immature fools or overly wise ‘gurus’ who dole out clichés as if they’re getting paid for it. The only reason I’m on here is because I read your post and thought, ‘wow, this is what I’m going through, just at a different temporal scale.’ In fact, I signed up on this site I’ve never heard of just so I could reply haha.

It appears also that your relationship could be part of this theorised movement called ‘GIGS’, or ‘Grass Is Greener Syndrome’. From what I read about it a few months ago, it’s when a young(ish) girl, having been in just one relationship, suddenly decides to leave it because they claim they are not in love anymore or they want to explore other relationships because they feel they are missing out on ‘something’. Many times, the person who has GIGS leaves only to come back later on when they realise that ‘something’ was the original person this entire time (or if they don’t come back, they at least regret leaving that situation). I’m sure this fits into your problem, although the fact she is now with this new guy and sharing what she believes is love might be harder to diagnose her. The first girl I had feelings for was around the same time this love of yours happened and it beat me up just not as bad because I never invested in it as much. I think I would be struggling like you if it did go as far as it did with my recent ex at such a young age. Also, do you talk about this with your current girlfriend or close relationships? Not as in: ‘lol I still love my ex, just saying’, but have you ever been able to broach the subject maturely with her? It might help you see where she is at. Perhaps she’s even had experiences like this herself.

I’ve been enjoying the regularity of my life lately, trying to get back to where I was prior to her but unfortunately this wasn’t the best place for me. I was wayward, directionless, and very much lacklustre in my faith. So when she came exploding into my life as a shooting star, lighting up the night across an otherwise blank canvas of sky, everything turned around. She was the best thing for me. She broke down my pessimism and cynicism, re-energised me with purpose, highlighted the little things, made me stop and listen to the heart of life. She built me up just to tear me down. As I said, I feel like I’m coping a lot better now but the fact that the place I’m renting at the moment is five minutes from her work meant she was always over here. I can’t extricate her memory and every time I leave the house I have to drive past her parked car. It’s tempting to reminisce on good times but at some point you have to have the fortitude to file her memory as ‘incompatible with what is intrinsically you’ and try and achieve some sense of optimism in that. It’s hard. Even harder if you’re a world-weary cynic like me. I feel bad but I had to start watching porn again because there was no other conceivable way to get her out of my troubled mind. I hadn’t watched the stuff for about 8-months and I just cracked a few days ago and fell back into it. Unfortunately it has proved helpful, however unfulfilling it is as a vice.

The most hurtful memory I have now is still the ‘friend’ of mine she sought out during her promiscuous warpath after we broke up. He knew our connection, knew her sexually abused past, and yet continued to be the guy messaging during her vulnerability after our fights. They eventually had sex and I was the first one to find out about it. Later, when she wanted to work things out, she tried to placate me by telling me he was not anywhere near as good as me, as if that would make the whole thing justified. At that very point, I realised she would never be the compassionate, gentle, kind woman I had constructed in my mind, for such an act and such a woeful substantiation were too ruinous to contend with. I compare this to me and there has never even been a thought in my mind about indulging one-night stands, let alone cheating on someone I care for so deeply. I do still think about her every day but it is brief and I actively try not to let myself get carried away, stagnating on ‘what if’s’ and ‘if only’s’. That hurtful act is a memory that frequents me more than most anything else about our time together. And now I just laugh because I think about my worth and think about what she did and why and it is honestly funny that someone could be that sad and conceited. Remember, this person that hurt you, T, was someone who did it voluntarily and is capable of continuing to do so. The expression we use to describe the breakups have always been ‘…and, yeah, they just suddenly changed, flipped, went crazy balls’, almost as if we accept this as ‘accidental’ to their character. But it’s not. Anyone who can be like that is and always has been that, whether or not it has manifested before or sits presently dormant. They may change but often they may not because the more someone finds result in a certain action (or reaction) the more they will continue to use that action.

I’ve heard that everyone starts out with absolutely no idea really of how to make relationships work and that it is only through having hearts broken that we apparently learn and grow and become more equipped for the next ones. So essentially it’s all about being in the right place at the right time. Personally, though, I’ve always found this demoralising. I mean, if my ex needs ten guys before she’s finally experienced enough to be in a mature, accountable, reciprocal relationship then why couldn’t I have been the tenth? Why was I destined to be the third guy who had his chance and now has nothing? I want to be the tenth, damn it. It will be through my own heartbreak (and the likely heartbreak of the other eight) that this as-yet unknown ‘tenth guy’ will get the girl of his dreams and live happily ever after. That drives me mad at times.

And the fact that all the boyfriends and hook-ups she’s had since me have been borderline retarded apes offering less to her in every possible relational avenue makes me empathise with each of you. Why is it that they go for guys who are less attractive, less self-aware, with less initiative, compassion, life direction, and mental faculty? Well, that’s kind of rhetorical because I think I know. At least in my case my ex wanted someone she could control. In her mind: (1) my being attractive meant I might cheat on her, (2) my being intelligent meant I would always be argumentative during the absence of logic, and (3) my being socially accessible meant I would not be spending all my time on solely her. Big muscled, tattooed dredgeheads suffering from inferiority complexes are more attractive to that kind of woman than someone like me (intellectually challenging, emotionally diverse, and socially sensitive) because they’ll never be attractive enough for a wider ambit of women, will always lose fights due to an incapacity to be rational or caring enough to want the relational consolidation arguments can bring, and will always sink time in women more than they would extra-curricular ambition. Therefore they are malleable, controllable lumps. My ex would always complain I never told her she looked hot or had amazing tits and I would just facepalm every time. She was right, I never directly involved her in chauvinistic, objectifying comments because she was more than that. My commendation came from the heart and was significant and ranging. I would compliment her subtle choices in clothing, her careful strategic comments in social situations, and how stunning she looked in my oversized shirts without any make-up. But that kind of girl doesn’t give a shit about such tribute. They’re sucked into this generic hole of instant gratification, virtual consumption, and material reliance that they have grown indelicate of, or at least de-sensitised to, the detail of life. It’s sad. That’s what makes me so despondent about finding love again because of how hard it is now to find similar people, similar hearts and minds. Because, to me, love is not the complex, impossible thing this generation has made it out to be. It’s the simplest of intentions that, when shared, can yield the closest thing to peace I have ever unwittingly stumbled upon in this world.

I’ve actually seldom been in a relationship where I’ve been the party wanting to end. I guess that explains a little about the person I am or have become. I’ve been in a handful that have been fairly plain and, as a result, end in a mostly mutual fashion. There have also been a whole lot that could have started but were dissolved by me early on, in the foreknowledge that they would most likely not work out, thereby preventing situations where I would be the leaving party. The two serious relationships I’ve had, including this latest one, have been a case of the girl leaving me because I typically don’t enter into them unless I can see some serious potential. Whereas the girls I’ve been attracted to, their previous and successive relationships have been fast and numerous. It is definitely my own fault for hoping they would change and even more mine thinking I could be the change. I have come to realise now, in my brooding, morose contemplation, that I deserve someone more in emotional alignment with me. Yeah, I got the physical attractiveness but it’s not enough, truly. It wears out.

Since the breakup, I have never been more desperate for a relationship. In fact, I was so sad for the following months that I fell into online dating and it’s so awful. It’s actually harder than reality because people are so rigid and peculiar in their expectations and all you get to judge is some two-dimensional, overhyped, summated perspective of a person. I have more success in person because I’m genuinely fascinated by other people, have charisma, presence, and great delivery. All of which are not transferable to virtual situations. Funnily enough, I found my ex had a profile too and before I even knew it was her I had skipped to the next because I just wasn’t physically attracted to her. It wasn’t until I went back that I realised it was her and that helped me move on a little, knowing that aside from our history I could so easily discard her with the rest of the girls based on something so superficial.

I can’t answer why two years later you’re still thinking about her but that is telling of your character and I think when the right girl comes along she’ll be blown away by your devotion. Still thinking about an investment gone wrong for that long shows just how involved you will potentially be with ‘her’. It hurts now but in my experience with this, pain has helped clarify things, it cuts through, corrects, and galvanises us to new beginnings. Let’s work on finding joy in the small things.

It’s eerie how many points contrast so similar to my life and to how I feel, Blaice. If my writing was as elevated as yours, you’d literally be reading what you wrote, to a degree.

These may be cliche to an extent, but have impacted my thoughts in an optimistic way. “Things don’t happen to you, they happen for you.” I’ve gained so much knowledge, fundamentally, into how relationships are broken down and operate (as it was my first). I’ve become more empathetic, more enlightened, and more driven than ever. You have to take something informative out of it. It’s a necessity for moving on. And, “You’re exactly where you’re supposed to be.” That girl is just one chapter of your life story. You are the sole creator of how the story ends, or how the story can be made to be. Stop thinking, start living!

• This reply was modified 10 years, 10 months ago by Kevin.

I can’t bring myself to write much down now, but I’m amazed to have found your stories.

I can’t find a way to send personal messages on this website. Posters in this thread: I’m going through something very similar. I’d hate to miss the chance of talking to you. This thread has already helped me beyond compare.

I definitely think you can be in a relationship with someone and not see a future with the other person only as long as they are in that same place. Also, it’s natural to be relationally ambivalent – a state only intensified when having been broken before. With my ex, I never anticipated loving her the way I did. The first stage was being intoxicated by her, followed by a series of chases amidst some game-playing. Even after we were inseparable for a couple months and had sex, I still didn’t feel like I loved her. I definitely cared for her, wanted to learn more about her, and thought constantly of her but couldn’t place where she fit into this idea I had of ‘us’. Again, that’s not her fault but it’s not entirely mine either, so I get where you’re coming from @stayingstrong. I’m capable of loving a lot of different people but intimately and wholly is too large an investment for me, not because I’m scared of commitment but because I’m so critical of such investments. I know this might sound shallow to some people but, for example, I can’t particularly abide by women with ‘weird’ feet. Honestly, I will meet a girl and obviously see her face first but the very next thing I will try to assess is her feet. They don’t have to be ridiculously perfect they just have to be somewhere between ‘normal’ ‘above normal’ in attraction – perhaps aesthetically pleasing (although that is subjective). Friends tell me I have a fetish but I find this such a tired diagnosis. To me, it’s just like having a predilection for brunettes over blondes or a proclivity for a certain body type. It balances out though because, whist I’m critical of feet, I could not care less about a girl’s bra size, body type, or sexual openness that every other guy on this planet seems to obsess over.

Anyway, that’s why I find it so hard to be in 100% intimate, romantic relationships because of a few small things that I have trouble dealing with and I guess that limits me. Like you said, I can find myself in situations where I’m talking to the most attractive girl – physically or personally – at a party and I just can’t even register a chance with her unless a few of these preliminary (perhaps shallow) boxes are ticked. I sound conceited but you should know that my ex had feet that were not aesthetically representative of this idea of normal I had constructed. And you know what? It didn’t matter because I realised a ton of other things that made her stand out beyond this. The feet thing had been a benign complex I had dealt with my whole life and I think the fact my ex broke through that and showed me people are worth more than just a couple of rigid details was one of the reasons I still can’t get over her. She broke down my insecurities and kept opening me up to acceptance and new paths of thought and that astounds me to this day.

It’s good you’ve found ways to take the edge off, mate. I think I game too much – both my go-to form of escapism and irrevocable vice. Lately though I’ve also been working on some writing projects and focusing on gym, both of which have proved to take time out of my day. And the more time they take the less I have to accidentally wander onto old paths back toward ‘her’. I might check out some of those artists, although I only really know of Coltrane and Rollins.

I’ve been talking to Kevin ( @niveko ) and he was telling me how he was forced to disconnect from the social circle of his ex. Up until recently, he had maintained contact with his ex’s family who continued to impress upon him the idea that the relationship could perhaps be saved or, failing this, they could be used to glean some misplaced information to be used as a form of closure. However, continuing contact with them kept him burning to a false fire of hope and resulted numerous times in him trying to then contact her through sentiments mentioned or implied through conversation. He ended up getting burned a few times with no response from his ex or not the response he wanted and came to the realisation through this that it had to stop. I’m curious as to whether you yourself have maintained these forms of communications from now-external social circles? Did you have any of her family or friends or mutual acquaintances that were able to shed light on anything that happened or did you cut this out as quickly as your decision not to stalk her online? I recently went back and exhumed old hurts by dredging up the memory of my ex on facebook and instagram and skype, which I seem to be doing almost like clockwork once a month. I don’t at all go traipsing through memories, looking through conversation logs, or sifting through photographs we took of each other but I do end up trying to update myself on her current situation. I have none of her family to talk to because they have decided I’m the Antichrist and I have no real friends of hers that could tell me anything new because that’s too polarised – they either sided with me or her and that was that. So, I don’t get anything like that. I don’t want to go looking for her, I just get these moments of sheer, unassailable despair where I’m doomed to repeatedly catch my breath and plagued by thoughts that unravel and burst into questions, skittering violent through my head, like: ‘Why did you leave? Have you stopped loving me? Why have you stopped? Are you thinking of me now? Will you ever? Who are you thinking of? What are you doing? Where are you?’

A constant thought of mine is wondering whether or not she truly is thinking of me or has ever thought of me and what those thoughts contained. Did she regret how she treated me? Did she ever want me back at one point or another? Did she ever think about making some moves to vocalise these feelings to me? How long will it be before I no longer think these thoughts? And when I think about the last one I automatically think about the only girl before her to hurt me and that was so long ago now and not my first proper love like my current ex is/was. It’s strange to think that at one stage in my life I was probably thinking about that original girl for months and months wondering if I would ever get over her and if I would ever find love again. And now that I have, I’m back to that same wondering state about the future. I don’t think it’s true for everyone but, to some extent depending upon your psychology, you can’t truly get over an old love until you have found a new genuine love like the last. And that’s a dangerous game to play considering that when you invest that much in someone to achieve love, you are also opening yourself up to the same hurt and devastation that brought you to that state in the first place. Love is ironic, right? Kind of like the sun: as cancerous as it is compulsory.