I am losing myself. I need help

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This topic has 13 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 7 months ago by A.J.

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May 14, 2017 at 10:55 am #149401
Smile
Participant
I feel unhappy for no reason.. i am scared dont know what to do..

I just left an unhealthy relationship which i know is unhealthy, i am suppose to be happy because i have been trying to leave but i eventually got the courage to leave. Yes i left the relationship so many times but i end up feeling this way, then i go back to the relationship then end of feeling disappointed in myself for going back i knew the relationship wasnt right for me i will then summon the courage to leave but i will end up going back to her, sometimes she begs and begs and out of pity and compassion i go back to what i dont want. i am sad, seems very weird but it is affecting my life. i wake up every morning not looking forward to a wonderful day just like i use to do before now. I am suppose to be happy but i am sad,

Let me just talk a little about the relationship. The relationship was filled with lies, selfishness and it was one sided. i am a kind of person if i give a 100% i expect atleast 70%. in this relationship i always try my best but what i get in return is not close to what i give i became disappointing i was always trying to prove to her i love her but no matter how i try it seems she does it get or she wants more, recently i found out that everything she told me about her life, job, family and so on were all lies, i confronted her she cried and cried she said she was scared of losing me and so on. I told what pained is not the lies but she was always comfortable lieing to me without even thinking that what if i found out how will i feel and so on. She even had a child from her past relationship she did not tell me i later confronted her she confessed it is true. it was the same time i confronted her about all the lies she has been telling me.

After i confronted her, she promise to change and i told her if she ever lied to me again i will leave, but deep down i knew it was not a good relationship even apart from the lies other factors made it bad.

Until recently i told her i am finding it hard trusting her it is affecting me that no matter how hard i try i find it hard. We should call the relationship quit.

Its been two weeks now. I feel bad sometimes for ending a bad relationship

I feel bad sometimes that i have hurt her – even when i know she is cheating on me (90% sure). she is dating one other guy. I confronted she cooked a cock and bull story.

I feel bad for ending a relationship that i know was not good for me, i was never happy in the relationship for once, because it feels one sided to me, no support , no encourage and so on.. (relationship aint about sex alone)

Why do i feel this way ? It feels weird to me.. like loving your enemy

This is the same reason i always go back to her i feel this way all the time after leaving her. Pity and Pity and sometimes regret.

I am loosing myself in this struggle.
- This topic was modified 7 years, 7 months ago by Smile.
May 14, 2017 at 12:14 pm #149407

Susannah
Participant

Dear Smile,

it seems that you are a complete doormat, sorry to say that. She walks on your face and you let her do that.

I don”t know – and don”t need to know – whether you have codependency issues, but going back and forth in this terrible relationships takes all your energy and dignity. That relationship has 0 % potentiality to become a healthy one. I have one suggestion for you: for your own benefit you need to RUN and leave all communication with her behind. You deserve so much more! 🙂

May 14, 2017 at 8:58 pm #149441

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Smile:

You asked: “Why do i feel this way ? It feels weird to me.. like loving your enemy”-

I would like to try and help you answer your question. For that purpose I ask: did it happen before that you loved and kept loving a person who lied to you, used you, disrespected you, etc.?

anita

May 16, 2017 at 12:47 am #149611

Smile
Participant

I went to see a therapist and i did some self reflection i have gotten to realise that i am just lusting after her. Yes we have a wonderful sex life. it is just lust. Sometimes lust makes you think you love the person you are lusting after.

@Anita after a good self reflection and looking real back i realised i stopped loving her immediately i found out she was lieing to me. It was hard for me to really fall in love with her because of her lies. But i still stayed with her thinking it was love it was lust Anita. Even when i saw all her flaws i still stayed.

I think lust is more dangerous than love. It makes you do stupid things. Take shit.

I just need help to get over this lust, i am now being tempted to reach out to her. all for the lust nothing else.

@Susannah after my time with the therapist i realised my shortcomings. I am just lusting after her.

Lust makes you do stupid things

My property is still at her place. I decided to forget the property i told her to help me give it to a friend but she insisted on me coming to take it myself, but i know seeing will increase my lust for her.

May 16, 2017 at 1:06 am #149615

Susannah
Participant

Dear Smile,

we all need love and most of us find love most fulfilling, when satisfying sex is part of it. Sex cannot substitute love, though. Maybe part of your difficulty to let go of her is that you wanted to create intimacy and connectedness between you with sex. It just does not happen like that. And there can also be mindblowing sex without love; that is probably the case here. This particular relationship has a lot more negative than positive so it is truly better that you look for sex (and love) from someone else. You do not want to mess your mind and life even for great sex, do you?

May 16, 2017 at 6:03 am #149625

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Smile:

In your last post you wrote: “i have gotten to realise that i am just lusting after her. Yes we have a wonderful sex life. it is just lust…I just need help to get over this lust, i am now being tempted to reach out to her. all for the lust nothing else.”

I am sure lust is a part of it, but there is something else. That something else is expressed in your own words, in your original post (in bold): “sometimes she begs and begs and out of pity and compassion i go back to what i dont want… I feel bad sometimes that i have hurt her even when i know she is cheating on me… This is the same reason i always go back to her i feel this way all the time after leaving her. Pity and Pity and sometimes regret.”

Pity, compassion, guilt (feeling bad for hurting her), pity: these are not lust. Pity and guilt are far from being sexy, or are they?

You wrote: “It feels weird to me.. like loving your enemy”- possibly (and it is only a possibility, for your evaluation if you choose to consider it), your lust is your enthusiastic efforts to … please the enemy, to make up for your imagined guilt. There are other possibilities.

Post again, if you’d like.

anita

May 16, 2017 at 7:36 am #149613

A.J
Participant

Dear Smile,

Trust is the main part of any long term relationship. Do you think you can trust her? Even if with a miracle she is all nice to you and responds to you exactly the way you want her to. Will you trust her? If you can’t then just leave her and continue. Don’t traumatize yourself over something that has no future.

It’s hard to leave someone/something that is part of your routine. We feel like we will never find something better. But is it better if it is hurting you again and again? You already know the answer.

Dear …someone who cares for you will not hurt you or lie to you.

Here she is not your enemy …you are….love yourself and just treat her as a past you can learn from.

May 17, 2017 at 2:35 am #149703
neversaynever
Participant
Nice insight
- This reply was modified 7 years, 7 months ago by neversaynever.
May 17, 2017 at 2:42 am #149707

Smile
Participant

@A.J thanks so much i understand better

@Anita thanks so much.

My property is still at her place… Whats the best matured way to get it back.

I am thinking about just forgetting the property and move on. It is quite expensive though.

May 17, 2017 at 3:56 am #149713
A.J
Participant
Dear Smile,

If you want your property badly just know these things first hand.
- She can engage you in conversation by using that property.
- You can easily be manipulated by her because she knows how to control you.
- She can deny you the access to said property.
- She has already damaged your property.
Here I will show you two ways to deal with this situation.
1. Use a mutual friend or person to engage with other party and demand for your property. Don’t go or communicate directly. I guess this is the mature way.
2. Go to her and say you miss her so much have a good day with her. Grab your property at the end and don’t look back. Leave her wondering on this outcome and have your closure at the same time.
Whatever you do just make your mind about her beforehand and don’t leave behind any unresolved feelings.

Best of Luck.
May 17, 2017 at 1:54 pm #149757
Smile
Participant
Thanks @A.J she just chatted my sister now that she wants to talk to me, she has been trying my number but it has not being going through and so on ( i blocked her though). That she wants to give me my property and so on

But i dont want to talk to her. if i talk to her it might open some wounds i dont want drama in my life again. I have told her to give the property to an acquintance of us but she wants me to come collect it myself.

You are very correct she will want to engage me in some conversation which might send me back to zero level emotionally i know that for sure.

Should i talk to her ?

Or should i insist she gives it to our friend. Which the both of us know.
- This reply was modified 7 years, 7 months ago by Smile.
- This reply was modified 7 years, 7 months ago by Smile.
May 17, 2017 at 10:30 pm #149799

A.J
Participant

Dear Smile,

I don’t think she will give it to your friend or other person. She knows that you want the property and she is using it to connect to you again. She probably already has a plan how to connect to you again because she has previous experience in it.

I would suggest to change your thinking style. Caught her off guard emotionally, a surprise visit if you can. Show her that you are changed. Don’t repeat your patterns. Don’t repeat past with her. I would suggest not to mention past things and don’t let her mention it either. Tell her you don’t care about the past. Show her you have moved on. She will lose interest if you don’t act like you anymore. She knows her tactics will only work with old you. If you can’t do this then don’t engage her directly because she has experience in winning and you have experience in losing to her.

Second option is to not to contact her directly. Talk through your sister or mutual friend. Tell her that she can’t change and you can’t live with the person she is. Tell her she doesn’t care about you. Tell her if she is sincere she will give property to mutual friend as a good gesture. Tell her you need a break to think about things. Tell her you have to know if she is sincere. Don’t show her it’s over just show her that you are on a break. The goal here is to get your property back because you already know she can’t change.

Best of Luck.

May 18, 2017 at 1:49 am #149805

Smile
Participant

@A.J i cant thank you enough… for the guidance through this problem.

I have told her to give it to a friend of ours. I spoke to her through my sister. ( i hope it looks and sound matured)

May 18, 2017 at 5:11 am #149815

A.J
Participant

@ Smile… My pleasure.

I just told you what I thought would help you. We are not perfect. but that doesn’t mean we can’t help others.

Best of Luck
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