Dear Lula:

You refer to this man as your “best friend”. But there is something very wrong with this friendship.

“He know nothing about my struggles to keep this friendship”- a true friend knows about his/ her friend’s struggles.

“He used to talk with me the way a guy talks with his gf in a romantic way… Even after his ex came back he still used to talk  to me in that romantic way.. I used to tell him to stop talking with me like that, it’s not right talking with a friend like this when you have a gf! He was like okay, I won’t again.. But he used to do it again and again.. and now I am tired of making him understand”-

– a true friend understands and respects what his friend says. He listens to her, he cares. He doesn’t want to hurt his friend.

This man heard you, but he didn’t care to take what you told him seriously. He didn’t respect your request that he doesn’t speak to you romantically.

“For several months I thought he fooled me because the way he talked with me showed that he loves me and wants to be with me… He never thought at my side that I could fall  for him if he talks with me like that”-

How do you know that he never thought that you could fall for him if he talked with you romantically?

It is likely that he wanted you to fall for him, it  is likely that he could see in your eyes and hear in your voice, or sensed it in your words that you were falling for him, and it made him feel good. It is possible that as he talks to you about his girlfriend, he can see some jealousy and hurt in your eyes, hear it in your voice and he enjoys it.

“he fooled me”- I agree. He used you to make himself feel good (feel wanted/desired/adored).

What do you when you realize that you were fooled do in a relationship?

anita

• This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by .

Dear Lula:

“He cares about me a lot”- he cares about you a lot, yet you suffer so much, and he doesn’t know that you suffer, or doesn’t want to know.. ?

“It’s not like he did this all  intentionally to hurt me!”- but he did hurt you and he still does. The hurt needs to stop, intentionally or not.

When you asked him how can he talk to you like this when he has a girlfriend, he answered “that love is in the heart, and these ar3e just talks, I ain’t doing this in real with you”- this sounds like he is saying that he is aware that he is talking inappropriately with you, as a man who has a girlfriend, but it doesn’t count as cheating on his girlfriend, because he doesn’t have sex with you. In other words, he is okay with cheating on his girlfriend as long as it doesn’t involve sex (sex= “doing this in real with you”).

“He never thought of my side that I could be the one getting hurt too?”- I don’t know if it never occurred to him that you get hurt, or that he doesn’t care that you are hurt.

“Idk if I should tell him all this story and ruin this friendship or hurt myself in silence just like always!!”-

– Please don’t hurt yourself in silence- that is definitely the wrong choice.

Talk  with him, tell him how you feel, break your silence. Ruining a friendship that is hurting you so much is not a bad thing. Better ruin it.

If you do talk to him, let me know what he says, will you?

anita

@Lula

First things first. I am going to give you a male pov, it will be blunt but hard facts.

The reality is he is an emotionally immature boy who has taken advantage of your feelings for him and used you because he doesn’t know what he wants. He knows you want him, even a fool would pick up on the clues after 4 years so do not try to excuse his behavior. You are a good person so want to see the good in him but the reality is he had his foot in both camps. He is using you as a backup option. If there was an ex still in the picture he most likely is not over her and you filled or plugged the gap/void nicely and if she never returned you would have been the backup. She has returned so now you are the emotional support when things go shit with them two.

If he is talking to you with romantic overtures with no intent to pursue that alone proves he is a jerk. In addition if he is treating you like that whilst with his ex it demonstrates a lack of respect to both you and her.

Do you really want an emotionally stunted man child?

You have been complicit in this, 4 years is a ridiculous amount of time to spend investing in someone who has no regard for your feelings.

You need to walk away for your own sanity, this has already eroded your self worth. You are happy to stay in waiting for someone’s breadcrumbs. Do you not deserve a man who will love you and show you? Yes, you should tell him exactly how you feel so he knows it is not acceptable and he learns. I’m afraid by you putting up with it for 4 years means he will never change his behavior with you if you remain together, he knows how far he can go. Maybe he will improve for his future relationships if he is good as you say.

If you have really fallen in love, set him free. You will be happy for him. That is selfless love. Then move on, love yourself so you never allow a man to treat you like this again. He is not giving you anything other than pain and damaging your self-worth further each day you spend with him.

Tim

@Lula

Love/emotions can blind us in many ways, that is why it is important to have a sounding board when emotions override logic. A confidant, best friend, or neutral advice from a stranger on forums such as this can sometimes give us the tough hard truths which are needed to save ourselves and rectify our own behavior.  If you had reached out sooner some of the pain could have been avoided. 4 years is an insane amount of time doll to suffer in silence, never lose your sense of self for anyone. Your self-esteem must be very low, surround yourself with positive people and start afresh, be by yourself, and love yourself. This will mean when you attempt a new relationship in the future you will be healed, emotionally available and not looking for someone to validate you after the impact of this situation.

It is your right to express how you were made to feel, however, also realise you allowed it to happen for so long. He may have used you but you allowed it. Learn and strengthen your self-belief that you will never let someone treat you that way again.

This is not a friendship worth saving because he would have respected your boundaries if he cared but his actions proved otherwise, hold your head up that you never caused any harm to anyone else, you are a good person. Work on your self-worth, never let another man child drain you like this. I know men, and selfish men will always take if you allow them to.

If he ever cared about you he will accept, reflect, and grow into a better person too. Until then do not accept anything less, if he is manipulative he will try and gaslight you and blame it all on you. Tread carefully and always protect yourself.

Tim