Kristian,

Wow. You are pretty brave to be so honest! Kudos to you for putting all that vulnerability out there!

There is a Dr. Suess quote that says people who judge don’t matter and people who matter don’t judge. I’ve experienced a lot of overly critical and judgemental people in my life, but I’ve been fortunate enough to find a lot of accepting and understanding people too. You sound like you aren’t accustomed to kind people, and that makes me sad to hear how much anguish you feel over relatively unimportant facts about you. 🙁 There is nothing new under the sun or in anything that you wrote. Frankly I’m puzzled by your self loathing. There is nothing in your post that makes you sound unloveable. So maybe you have some less than stellar coping mechanisms…that doesn’t make you a “bad” person. There are lots of people who are into kinky things and smoke who bring light into the world. Doing drugs can seriously alter your core self and doesn’t neccesarily bring out the thoughtful and considerate side of people, but lots of people have mood swings who make people smile.

If your girlfriend weighed 30lbs more, would you think that she was a dispicable person? What if she weighed 50lbs more? Then should she be hidden from the world? What about 100lbs? Should she be put in jail for that!?! I’m sure she has qualities that make you light up, and seeing her handle her issues with food would be sad to watch, but that doesn’t detract from what she has to offer. Most people who have addiction issues have reasons for it, so be gentle with yourself. You are just in the process of finding things that work and learning how to let go of things that don’t. Both processes take time.

About your sexuality, honestly, as long as it’s between consenting adults I highly doubt anyone would really judge. So what? Some people are into cartoons, that’s why there’s a niche for it. Someone created it becasue they thought it would be appealing, people watch it becasue it appeals to them, and there are sites for it because there is a demand for it. Clearly you aren’t the first or only person to be into that. Would you be less weird if you were a 40 year old soccor mom who was into it? I mean, really, what would make you think it’s weird that you are into it and not someone else? it doesn’t really what age you are and what gender you are, different things appeal to people and no one can be put in a box. Sex has a billion facets and dynamics to be explored that make people curious. Aside from things that are non consensual like rape or child molestation, there is really nothing to feel guilty about.

Some people arent going to be open and understanding, but you can’t take that personally. Some people don’t have the same life experiences to relate to the pain that drove you to addcitions. Some people don’t have a life that warrants finding distractions and peace at any price. Don’t worry about them. Life usually has a way of leveling people, but that’s not your concern. Their path is not yours. There is no way for someone from the outside to be able to judge fairly and accurately where you should be in life, so don’t put so much value in what strangers think. Hell! Don’t even listen to me if my facts aren’t straight and my reasoning isn’t solid. Unreasonable people are unreasonable. Don’t sweat it.

I am going to suggest a few things in hopes that something seems to strike a chord.

1.First of all, are you familiar with post secret? Just check out the books or the website. You are not alone. People are people and we are all just trying the best we can at any given point in time.

2.Secondly, are you familiar with NA or AA? It’s free and it helps people with addictions. I know lots of self loathing people who have turned their lives around and have learned how to like themselves and find peace. I would highly recommend it. It’s a gentle healing program, and all you gotta do is show up.

3. Try Sharon Salzberg’s Metta Meditation on Youtube. I found it easier and more enjoyable than other meditations.

4. You get self esteem by doing esteemable acts. So do things that you think an admirable person would do. You don’t have to stop smoking cold turkey to help ease the pain of another or go out of your way for someone. Start small and one day you’ll be proud of the kind person you are becasue you will be proud of your character. it won’t matter what unrasonable people think because you will know that you are a kind soul and you are worthy of love.

5. Are you familiar with Brene Brown? She has a couple books that I think will resonate with you a lot. She also has some youtube clips and a Ted Talk on youtube if that’s easier.

I hope nothing but good things for you and I hope you keep posting!

Hi Kristian,

One of the most important things I’ve learned as someone who lives with mental illness is that often it’s the illness that’s ” Talking ” and saying negative things about me. it’s hard to have positive thoughts when you are depressed but, if you can remember not to believe everything that you’re thinking, it will go better for you. If you have love and support believe what those people feel and say about you. Believe your girlfriend. You may need to go back to your doctor for an honest talk. it could be that you need a change of medication. Mine has been changed over and over. Best of luck and let us know how you are getting on.

Hugs, Lyla