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I almost allowed him to destroy me

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  • April 21, 2017 at 9:15 am #146191
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Birdy:

    You wrote toward the end of your share: “I officially had to make the decision to finally walk away and completely block him out of existence”- does this mean that you have no contact with him, that he is out of your life? If so, how long has it been so? And what was his reaction to you ending this relationship?

    You asked: “why does it hurt more than any other failed relationship that I’ve ever encountered before?”-

    If this relationship is still ongoing, it would be a different answer, perhaps. So please let me know.

    anita

    April 21, 2017 at 12:20 pm #146219
    Birdy
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    To answer your first question of if I no longer have any communication with him , the answer is “No” I also ended all social media communication with him as well.

    I needed time to myself and i still do but at the same time I had to officially move on too the situation between me and him ended after a huge blow up of an argument around towards the end of July of 2016 there hasn’t been any communication from my side since then , after our deal breaker of an argument he blocked my number and I wouldn’t of known of how he’s real reaction was like because he refused to see me during that course of the time even refused to see me on my birthday on the 11th of July tried to arrange to see him to talk in person many times but with no luck this all happened over the phone via text..

    the duration of when “the relationship” started was around September of 2014 on and off again until July of 2016 and the situationship is officially over

    though he tried to reach out to me in March this year via text , I avoided all communication with him

     

     

     

    I’m just still dealing with the after effects of it all I just don’t know why healing has taken this long and why I find it so hard to forgive him.

    April 21, 2017 at 8:03 pm #146259
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Birdy:

    I am confused about which man you are referring to. Your relationship with the earlier man ended in 2013 with the huge argument and him discarding your personal belonging out of his car during a social event.

    When I asked if you are still in contact with “him” I meant the second man. I think I am getting this as I type, there was “a huge blowup” with the second guy in July 2016.

    You asked then, regarding the second guy: “why does it hurt more than any other failed relationship that I’ve ever encountered before?”

    Maybe because after the 2013 blowup with the first guy you had a second guy to talk to right away, but since July 2016, the blowup with the second guy, there is no third guy to talk to, no one to distract you from loneliness, from the anxiety of being alone.

    The second guy reads like someone no woman should be in a relationship with. He was terribly disrespectful at best. Lots of women settle for all kinds of men so to not be alone and maybe you endured his disrespect for so long because it hurts more to be alone?

    anita

     

    April 22, 2017 at 5:38 am #146263
    Pamela Lame
    Participant

    It sounds to me like he is a narcissist and believe me, just keep on staying away.  Very toxic people they are and hurtful and they have no empathy, nor can they love anyone besides themselves, and they don’t even love themselves.  they are very smart, and can talk the talk to get you hooked but once you are then the hurting begins.  The silent treatment, the never ever taking the blame for anything, the slow but sure loss of who you are.  It’s the hardest kind of relationship to get over because they keep you from ever underestanding them.  It keeps you off balance and feeling that if you can just once say the right thing he would turn back into the man or woman you fell for.  But they won’t because that person isn’t real, it’s all a game.  Study up on it on and see if that might apply.  I was married to one for 16 years, we are divorced now because he tossed me in the trash, and didn’t even look back.  I’m still fighting everyday to get back to my life, it’s pure complete hell but that is what they thrive on.  They go for sensitive people, empathic people, and they use all sort of tactics to get fuel from you.

    April 24, 2017 at 5:04 am #146407
    Birdy
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    The person I’ve been referring to all along is Ex number 2 : The one I broke things off with in July 2016 “disrespectful one” he is the one I cut all ties with  – things in that situation also ended badly as well, I just mentioned the previous relationship with Ex number 1 (the one who threw all my things away at a social event) just to illustrate and elaborate on how vulnerable I was when I entered into the second relationship with (Ex number 2) and in which you were right when you mentioned “the anxiety of being alone” which is why I ended up jumping into another situation so quickly after I’d broken up with someone else at the time but in all honestly Anita being alone is not what truly scares me anymore because my previous relationship with (Ex number 2 ) taught me quite a lot about myself and how acquiring enough space and time to heal is vital. What scares me the most is the transitional process of change when someone else who is special pops up in my life again , I’d like to be in a healthy relationship one day having to have dealt with my emotions and insecurity during this time, just so that I wont sabotage something good in the future because I’m still dwelling in the past , there is nothing more difficult than forgiveness for this person(Ex number 2) especially with a person that has hurt me this much.

    April 24, 2017 at 5:29 am #146411
    Birdy
    Participant

    Dear Pamela

    I can clearly relate with everything you have just wrote about being in a relationship with a narcissist, I never really realised who he really was until he started mistreating me , they take more energy from you and give back no effort whatsoever except for criticism and judgement. I was with this person on and off for over a year and I constantly either kept on buying into everything he manipulated me into or I’d somehow feel so bad that I’d end up crawling back to him even though I did nothing wrong even being myself wasn’t enough I had to be the person he wanted me to be even though I not even once judged or criticized him about his character or personality which was pretty unfair , it’s usually a painful time after the break up and cutting all ties with the person but its definitely worth it, I hope you’ve started finding inner peace as well I sure it wasn’t easy going through the process of a divorce and starting a new chapter.

    But with so much history of emotional abuse is it ever wise or possible to still be “friends” with someone like a narcissist?

    I honestly don’t think so but I’d really someone else’s opinion  especially in my case since I’ve completely cut all ties with him

    he still reaches out to me for “friendship” I just don’t understand why

    April 24, 2017 at 9:24 am #146439
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Birdy:

    I re-read your posts for better understanding. Your original question was: “why does it hurt more than any other failed relationship that I’ve ever encountered before?”- maybe it hurts more because you gave up more of yourself, submitted yourself more to the recent man than with men before. That submission, self abandonment/ betrayal may be what hurts more, and what angers you so.

    In your last post you wrote: “I’d like to be in a healthy relationship one day having to have dealt with my emotions and insecurity during this time, just so that I wont sabotage something good in the future”-

    This is my input regarding what you can do to have a healthy relationship in the future:

    One thing:,you will have to evaluate a man for decency before getting involved with him. If you have an indecent, dishonest, disrespectful man, there is nothing you can do to make it a healthy relationship.

    Second thing: I recognize a pattern in your behavior that you may want to consider. Reads to me that you first submit to a man, abandon yourself, display passivity, so to enjoy whatever attention is available to you. And then you get angry, aggressive.

    Unless you become assertive right from the beginning of a future relationship, you are likely to fall into the same pattern: passivity leading to aggressiveness, even with a decent man.

    This is the evidence for that pattern. In 2013 with the previous boyfriend: “a huge argument and with accusations thrown in the air , he left me there at the event discarding and throwing away all my personal belongings including my cell phone and handbag  from his car”- clearly he did those things following some very angry input on your part.

    With the recent boyfriend: “I was becoming angrier and angrier …with my… straight talking  feisty attitude it didn’t take long to voice out how I was really feeling at which he was stunned by my outspoken personality…that I could even stand up to him…I was becoming erratic with frustration and anger and constantly lashing out and swearing at him …the situation between me and him ended after a huge blow up of an argument around towards the end of July of 2016” – first, submission then aggression.

    Your thoughts/ feelings?

    anita

     

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