Dear Charlie:

Wikipedia has two entries regarding tickling, one titled “tickling” and the other, “tickle torture”.

In the latter, it reads: “In a tickling situation, laughter can indicate a panic reflex rather than a pleasure response…forced tickle torture can cause real physical and mental distress in a victim… Chinese tickle torture is an ancient form of torture… a punishment for nobility since it left no marks and a victim could recover relatively easily and quickly…Another example of tickle torture was used in Ancient Rome…Heinz Heger…witnessed Nazi prison guards perform tickle torture on a fellow inmate…

In his book Sibling Abuse, Vernon Wiehe published his research findings regarding 150 adults who were abused by their siblings during childhood. Several reported tickling as a type of physical abuse they experienced… abusive tickling is capable of provoking extreme physiological reactions in the victim, such as vomiting, incontinence (losing control of bladder), and losing consciousness due to inability to breathe.”

I am definitely ready to answer your question: “Am I overreacting about this?”- the answer is: no.

It is not a matter of choice for you: you cannot choose to not react distressfully to being tickled. On the other hand, it is a matter of choice for your husband: to tickle OR to not tickle you.

Ask and insist that your husband read the extensive literature on tickling torture and abuse. If he refuses to do so, or if he reads it and continues to tickle you, ONE more time, just once- you got a real problem in your marriage. This is not (!) a laughing matter.

I am sorry, Charlie. This is not a minor problem. If he doesn’t understand that laughing can indicate suffering, no matter you telling him so and reading about it, then he has a serious intellectual problem. If he understands and continues, he is being aggressive, abusive.

Your thoughts, feelings?

anita

Dear Charlie:

The term “tickled to death” is very telling, isn’t it?

I believe you have the right to not be tickled. I believe any person has that right, to not be touched in a way that brings one suffering. Your body is not at your husband’s disposal, to do with it as he pleases.

It needs not be a matter of his choice, to do with your body as he pleases, without your consent, and with your repeating request that he doesn’t do this again.

And this is the solution, then: do not ask him, explain to him any longer: assert yourself. Look him in the eye and tell him that you will not tolerate ONE more time. Tell him that this is a deal breaker and he must never, ever tickle you again.

anita

Dear Charlie:

You are very welcome. Do give him all the information you have, give him the link to Wikipedia’s “Tickle torture”- offer any other source of information he may further need, perhaps seeing… a neurologist professional to explain to him that the laughter following being tickled, often enough is not an indication of joy. Offer to him a visit to a couple counselor, if that is what it takes, for him to understand that your assertion regarding tickling is valid.

Following all this information and offering of further information from professionals, if he tickles you once again, either he cannot control his compulsion and that is a big problem, or he intends to hurt you. There is a possibility, however slim (and I hope it is slim) that he wants to hurt you and he feels that he can get away with it because it is tickling and not hitting or verbal abuse.

Be open to that slim possibility, as well as the other slim possibility, that it is a compulsion on his part that he needs help with. And please post again with an update on the matter.

anita

You are welcome and thank you, Charlotte, for the kind words- I still remember previous kindnesses in your writings to me,  and appreciate those very much. Have a good day yourself!

anita