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hurting to communicate with the father of my son

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  • November 13, 2017 at 10:46 am #177949
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jay-me:

    Welcome back!

    You wrote: ” I cannot stop talking to him as he is the father of my child…I want my child to know him and have a relationship with him, but I struggle to include him in his life”-

    but the father of your child didn’t see his very young child for two years! So there is no relationship between father and son. In reality, he is only a biological father, not a father in practice. In reality you are a single mother. You don’t even get financial support from the biological father.

    And so, there is no reason for you to be in contact with the child’s biological father. There is no reason for you to place yourself in situations where you get hurt. Nothing good comes of it.

    It would be less “emotionally draining” for you if you fit your expectations, and your choices, to Reality: you are a single mother.

    If in the future he works, and if there is or will be a way to legally make him contribute financially to the raising of your child- then make the legal steps toward it. Otherwise, there is no reason for you to communicate with him and get hurt.

    anita

    November 13, 2017 at 8:12 pm #177991
    Jay-me
    Participant

    thank you very much anita,
    I always want to inform him of what is going on with his child, as he is also always calling to hear how is he doing, but us talking end up hurting, should I say he must stop calling or should I just ignore his calls?? I dont know how to avoid him altogether. I recently have thoughts that maybe I have not completely moved on. especially how I reacred when his girlfriend answered the phone. and also how I reacted when he turned down the job offer at my home town. I wish I can really get out of this situation completely. am already used to being a single parent, but I also feel selfish by saying that as I always have a believe that he will one day have relationship with him. maybe I am lying to myself hence I need a complete move on, but such conversations we have take me back, and slow my progress of moving on.

    November 14, 2017 at 4:07 am #178011
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jay-me:

    You wrote: “I always want to inform him of what is going on with his child, as he is also always calling to hear how is he doing”-

    For what purpose do you want to inform him about his child? Informing him makes no difference to your child as there is no relationship between him and the man. If the man was financing his child, maybe I would see a reason to inform him of anything. But without a relationship and without any financial help, there is no benefit to your child from such informing.

    As to his calling to hear how the child is doing, again: how does this benefit his child? It does not.

    The man is an uncaring and irresponsible father. He probably feels better that you inform him and he probably feels he is a good father for calling and asking. And so, he feels okay that he doesn’t work and doesn’t support the child financially, that he doesn’t see him for two years…

    By informing him and answering his calls you help him feel okay about the way things are, and so, you are only hurting yourself. Maybe if you didn’t inform him and didn’t answer his calls, maybe then he will feel a bit uncomfortable and motivated to practically be a father in some way. Maybe.

    My recommendation therefore: stop all contact with the man. Except through an attorney if legal action is possible.

    anita

     

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