As a child, i had the feeling of being rejected by my mates and it didn’t get better in my adolescence. I was chubby so i was laughing stock for my so called “friends” and guys around. It weakened me and my self confidence was on the line.

I left my home place for France for further studies and thereon gain some confidence in myself. I became more feminine and more attractive. I was happy with myself and my self esteem was probably at its peak. Came back home, started working and was “shining out”…until i came across that guy. He chased me and i felt so good about it…i gave in after some time and we had roughly a few honey-moon-like months until my first blow. He admitted having cheated on me and asked for forgiveness…i gave in and that was my first mistake. For four long years this has been the story of my life…he would humiliate me each time and i would forgive him as long as i would not lose him. I was broken to the core.

I have to admit that he has been sincere in telling me that he doesn’t love me (because he had his heart broken by his first love, for whom he still have feelings) but do CARE…each and every time we would fight and i would try a break-up , we would patch up as soon as i would make the first step and ask for forgiveness (even though it wasn’t my mistake at all!). Incidentally since August last year thing have gone worst…he called off our “relationship”. I was broken and tried to convince him to stay. I dont know if he stayed ..yet we would text and chat everyday as we use to and that suffice me. We would avoid discussing the issue..for as long as he would keep in touch i was happy. However he has started to be bitter and would never lose an opportunity to remind me that i am unwanted. Yet he would not severe ties with me and thus is what confuse me…more than being rejected now i feel humiliated by how he treats me.Ii have the feeling that i am always readily available for him..so he can ditch me and want me back whenever.

Now I want to get out of this mess…of this tangle of emotions that has broken me and brought back the memories of my childhood rejection. i’m in my mid 30’s..i might never find love and would probably live a miserable single life. But i want to be at peace with myself. I am professionally and academically a bright woman. Outside i would fake being happy but am totally torn inside. May be these five years would determine my future but yet i want to move out for my own sanity.

I’ve lost so much of my brightness because of this situation…his behaviour makes me feel so ugly and worthless. i do not condemn him for everything because its my fault if i haven’t move on. Why do i cling on to the minimum attention he would give by replying to my sms or chat? Where is my self respect? Why can’t i love myself enough to break out of this painful situation? How do i recover? I do not have a single friend to whom i can confide and discuss because i have revolved my world around him. I know i have to move…but whereto?

I feel so empty