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how to trust again

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  • September 14, 2017 at 1:43 pm #168668
    Felix
    Participant

    Hello Everyone and Anita = ))

    I am getting separated from my wife. Her initiative. I am totally against it, but we are adults and I love her and want her to be happy. Seriously hurting right now on many levels, but it’s going to get better and I am going to be happy one way or another. This is not about my separation, this is about the after-effects of it. I am trying to understand how I am ever going to be social again in terms of dating and trusting women.

    I am not rich, but I am far from being poor. I am about to turn 40 and while I am not where I want to be financially, I have a respectable career and a great job for an amazing company, I am more or less good looking or so I am told, and I am smart enough to be able to discuss any subject from sports to politics to theoretical physics, to anything else. There are currently two problems that are bothering me that are relevant to each other and to my future. First, my self esteem and feeling like a complete loser. Second problem is my distrust of women. I am a bit overweight and I am currently working on that so hopefully I’ll be in tip top shape sooner than later. And I don’t trust women these days. My mom messed up big time when I was growing up and now my wife gave up on our marriage and our future. So right now, and I don’t mean to sound sexist, I don’t trust women, their games, the emotional manipulation, and too many overreactions to everything. So combine the first issue with my self esteem and the second issue with me not trusting women here is my sorta-question. And it may sound dumb to some and I may sound dumb to some, but it makes sense in my head and I am really trying to figure this out:

    Are there good women out there who care about more than just how successful I am or how much I weight or other superficial things? Being almost 40, I feel like I will never ever meet anyone. I am Russian and I live in Los Angeles. There is a large Russian community here and I mostly dated Russian girls. And now most of them are married, have kids, and I am starting from scratch. I am not afraid to be alone, but I would love to share my life with a woman who is going to be my friend, my lover, my partners, my everything. And right now I don’t think that’s possible. I don’t trust women at all, I mean at all. I have seen some horrible things that women have done to guys I know personally (because of the legal structures of divorce) and I just don’t know how to trust women anymore. I know I am generalizing, but I am not speaking out of my a%%. A number of my friends have been taken for everything. My aunt took my uncle’s house, business, and pretty much everything else. Please don’t jump on me because I am talking about anger at women, it’s not baseless. I am not saying all women are evil, but you can’t deny that women play games and there are number of other things that really bother me about how women manipulate people and situations. I was raised by grandparents who were together for over 50 years. They loved and respect each other from the first to the last day. They never saw each other as someone to manipulate or get something out of him or her. They lived through some of the toughest times in the 20th century and stood by each other. I was raised to be like that. I was raised to be a gentleman and in this Western society being a gentleman is not something that’s considered a good thing. Especially in Los Angeles where most guys are douchenozzles and plenty of women only go for the money or the fame. It’s just our culture here. So how do I trust women again? How do I not think that all women are bad? I know it’s silly, but in my head right now that’s how I feel. My mom did something horrible and now my wife, who I love more than anything in this world, is leaving me.

    I am OK with being called sexist or misogynist because I am speaking from personal experience. I am sure there are horrible men out there, but I don’t date men, I date women = ))

     

    Thank you for your time!

    September 15, 2017 at 10:13 am #168760
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Felix:

    You asked: “So how do I trust women again?”

    My answer: You don’t, and you don’t try to trust women again. I don’t think it is possible for you, neither is it a good idea.

    Instead, you prepare for two things: one, is you may never get married because of community property laws in California. Also, being aware (are you not) that living together with a woman for a certain amount of time gives her legal rights to your income and property acquired while living together. You may choose to not live together with a woman or end the living together arrangement time before that cut off date. There is nothing wrong with these as long as you are honest with the woman, consistently honest with the woman ahead of time, in the beginning stage of the relationship.

    The second thing is, you can keep (and how can you not…, it is already established) distrust in women. Consider, instead, trusting this or that particular individual after getting to know her. Keep that as a possibility.

    You asked: “How do I not think that all women are bad?”- It is not only a thought, that “all women are bad”- it is a belief, that is a thought glued with emotion. And so, you believe what you believe and my above input is the same here.

    You wrote: “My mom did something horrible and now my wife, who I love more than anything in this world, is leaving me.”- be selective as to whom you love. You had no choice about who your mother was when you were born to her. You had a choice about the nature of your wife, but you were probably not very aware that you had that choice. Now you have a choice and you can be more aware that you do.

    And by the way, the reality that some women did, do and will be motivated, through the aid of an attorney, to target all the financial benefits possible in a divorce does not make you a sexist (you expressed concern about being thought as one). It makes you a realist, since legal divorce records are available to the public.

    (You may be a sexist, I don’t know, but not for the reason you brought up here…)

    anita

    September 15, 2017 at 10:40 am #168774
    Felix
    Participant

    I am not worried about the legal stuff. We are adults and respect each other. The difference between US and Russia, when I Google “Divorce Help” here, I get all kinds of legal stuff about getting attorney and everything else that I find below me. It’s so inhumane. When I search the same stuff on a Russian search engine, it all comes back as supportive message boards and advice and not a word about the legal aspect of things. I think these divorce laws, especially no fault state laws, are disgusting. A woman (or a man) can cheat and still get away with taking everything from their former partner. It’s wrong on many levels and I am very glad that I will never be that way and neither will my ex. We don’t live in that universe. My ex said that she doesn’t want anything because we are still very close friends and even if I am forced to pay something, she said she will give me every penny back. We may live in America, but we are not brainwashed by the culture to hate each other and cause each other pain. In fact, her friend told her about getting alimony and taking things that I acquired on my own and my ex ended that friendship. We are always going to be above that.

     

    On the topic of my trust\distrust of women, I agree, I don’t and should trust women (or anyone else) right now. I trust a few people and that’s enough. I will learn to trust people going forward, but they will have to earn my trust. I am a good person, a good friend, I’ll drop everything and be there for someone who is worth it, but I am no longer going to be walked up on by those who think they can use me because of my decency. My grandfather was an orthopedic trauma surgeon who saved lives not because it was his profession, but because it was his life. I am not nearly as talented as he was, but he taught me the value of being a decent person in a society based on greed, lies, manipulations, and other negative factors. Just because there are wolves around, doesn’t mean you should become one to protect yourself. And just because there are sheep around, doesn’t mean you have to take advantage of their ignorance. Be decent, no matter what happens.

    And I am not sexist, not that it matters or anyone’s business. I am a feminist and have always supported women’s rights. In fact, USSR was way ahead of US in terms of equality. Women rose right along men, since it was a socialist society, everyone was equal. My beef is not with women or modern Western feminism, my beef is with radical feminist agenda, aka feminazis, who blame men for things in the world, make us sound like we are all just lazy dumb idiots who can’t do anything ( just look at most of the commercials ). They call themselves progressives (or liberals), they are not, they are regressives and are causing great harm to the women’s movement. It’s funny and sad when I hear a woman say, “We want to be equal to men” and in the same breath they might say, “All men are dogs”….. The hypocrisy is laughable

     

    But thank you for your thoughts.

    September 15, 2017 at 11:15 am #168782
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Felix:

    It reads to me that you thought, based on my last post to you, that I suggested that you were a sexist. I did not suggest that. I just looked at a definition of “sexist”, as an adjective: “relating to or characterized by prejudice, stereotyping, or discrimination, typically against women”-

    I don’t know about you being a sexist, I didn’t see any evidence of it in your thread and you do seem to trust at least one woman, your to-be ex wife to not take unfair (or any) financial advantage of you during the expected divorce.

    Thing is, you do seem to have a prejudice against American people who “hate each other and cause each other pain” (in the sentence: “We may live in America, but we are not brainwashed by the culture to hate each other and cause each other pain.”

    And although you mentioned “culture” in this sentence and not “people”, it is people who live in any particular culture that can hate and harm others.)

    You expressed such sentiment in previous threads.

    I am not suggesting that you move back to Russia, but instead I am curious as to whether you would be more comfortable living in Russia presently and in your future, since you much prefer the culture and people there, and since you have no children and soon you will not be tied up by marriage?

    anita

     

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