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How to stop feelings for a colleague who is just a friend

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Viewing 5 posts - 1 through 5 (of 5 total)
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  • June 8, 2016 at 11:27 am #106731
    vidalevi
    Participant

    I guess I may have developed some feeling for a colleague of mine because he is kind and nice to me. I’m 33 and he is 29. I guess he us just being friendly the way he is with everyone but I’m feeling otherwise.
    When we were in the same office, he talked to me but always kept a distance. He was always playful with everyone else, but me. He always discussed only serious stuffs with me(may be coz of my age n seniority). He does tell me one or two personal things also which he never discussed with anyone else.
    Later he goes for a training out of the state for a month. When the boss asked me to enquire about it, I texted him and he responded. In a totally different way- very friendly. He even mentioned me as his buddy. It was so different from what was our relationship in the office till then.
    After that he started initiating text messages. Nothing flirty- just regular ones.
    I was on my notice period in my office the same month. I was leaving in a couple of days when he was back.
    But once he got back, I could feel something was off. He was very quiet and spoke only official stuffs. In a way I was relieved coz I thought whatever I felt for sometime can be buried inside coz he doesn’t care anymore.
    I left the office and he didn’t even come to say bye or wish me happy journey. I was moving out if the state for a new job opportunity.
    To be frank I didn’t want to date or know him but may be the way he responded I thought of it as something else. I was happy that after a long time I found a guy as good friend. And I left it the and there. We are just friends on networking site also. I thought well…it ends here. I was ok with it. Fast forward 3-4 days, I get a text from him asking how am I doing n the regular old friendly messages.
    I replied coz I don’t want to be rude n I want a good friend.
    But I’m surprised at why he behaved so ice cold then and later wants to keep in touch.
    Also I don’t want to develop any more feelings for him.other than friendship. Thoughts ?

    June 8, 2016 at 11:39 am #106732
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear vidalvi:

    My thought: I would ask him. I would tell him what I observed, what you described here on this thread and tell him you are confused about his inconsistencies and could he please clarify these for you because you want to understand. Ask this in a non thereatening, none challenging way, just for information, so that he is more likely to feel comfortable answering honestly and not defenisvely.

    Other thought as to maybe why he is inconsistent like that: when he is in the office with you he sees you a certain way. When he was a long way away, he saw you in a different way. Now, you know that you are the same person in the office when he is there and when he is away, but he thinks you are a different person. He sees you differently because he is in different georgraphical settings. Similar to when you are on a relaxing vacation and everything looks different than when you are busy at work, I mean everything that is the same looks different at a different setting.

    What do you think?

    anita

    June 8, 2016 at 12:12 pm #106735
    vidalevi
    Participant

    Thanks for the reply Anita.
    I guess I’m.not that close enough to him to ask why is he so inconsistent with his behaviour.
    Also while he was away he was checked on only by me and his another close(lady) friend.
    While I was leaving, he mentioned to her that he will miss talking to me indirectly…like- when I get bored talking to all you people, I used to talk to her, but that’s not possible anymore.
    I was really surprised to get a text from him saying Hi coz I thought it was over there and I could take a break. May be he just wants to keep in touch…that’s all.
    While he was away- I asked him how many people from office got in touch with him personally – he told none. I was like- you are friends with everyone n I cant believe that no one asked for you especially ladies- he told me that he hadn’t texted any one since he left office( I felt like he was defending himself too.much)
    Its just that I may be reading too.much into this.
    I just wants to be friends with him, that’s all.

    June 9, 2016 at 5:44 pm #106829
    Shashank Venugopal
    Participant

    “When we were in the same office, he talked to me but always kept a distance. He was always playful with everyone else, but me. He always discussed only serious stuffs with me”

    He respects you, and values your input.

    “I was on my notice period in my office the same month. I was leaving in a couple of days when he was back.
    But once he got back, I could feel something was off. He was very quiet and spoke only official stuffs.”

    1. He had a personal issue he could not discuss.
    2. He was upset that you were leaving, and put on a cold front to mask his emotions.

    “I left the office and he didn’t even come to say bye or wish me happy journey.”

    1. He wanted to but his personal issue kept him occupied.
    2. He was upset that you were leaving, and he wasn’t comfortable facing you with a non straight face.

    “Fast forward 3-4 days, I get a text from him asking how am I doing n the regular old friendly messages.

    He dealt with the cause.

    “But I’m surprised at why he behaved so ice cold then and later wants to keep in touch.”

    Only time will tell. In the here and now, he wants to resume what was paused; with time you will understand his intentions, and then you will know. If you do not, when you know that you have the opportunity to ask, ask why he was cold to you. Take what you can from his response.

    You know what you want, seek it.

    May you find the answer, and may it give you peace.

    Cheers!

    June 10, 2016 at 7:16 pm #106900
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear vidalevi:

    Regarding asking him about his inconsistencies: I guess using the word “inconsistencies” sounds like a question a lawyer would ask, so that may not be a good idea. But you can ask him questions in a different way, less formal, light. I think asking questions is a very important skill- how to ask questions so to most likely get honest answers without sounding like you are interrogating the person.

    What a better way for the purpose of getting wanted information then ask…is my comment today.

    anita

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