You would think this is an easy question but it’s not!
I refer to it like it is a twisted brain spinsel…

I’m from belgium so I’ll do my best not to make stupid spelling mistakes. 🙂

In 2009 I worked at an Ikea distribution center and I met a boy that was 6 years older than I am. At first I thought he was an arrogant bastard but slowly I started to like him. He was funny and pretty handsome too. Deep blue eyes.. nice hair.. you get the picture. Only he had a girlfriend with the same name as mine!
She has three children from a previous relationship.
I can’t even remember when I had ever fell in love, but this was it… I was completely blown away.. He said the his relationship wasn’t going well and he was thinking of leaving her cause she didn’t gave him affection and sex.. but with more words.. He wanted children of his own and get married. So slowly I was drawn in.. every chance we got we were together. But I wanted more.. I wanted him to make that choice.. her or me… and every time he had another excuse.. he didn’t want to hurt her, – he couldn’t get away because of the house they were renting – he could get away in september (6 months later) .. and everytime I left him, he would find a way to suck me back in to this sick relationship. But I would have died for this man at that point.. I loved him so very very much.

It really broke me, It killed who I used to be.. cause now I’m not who I was 5 years ago.. And I can’t seem te find myself again.

But now I found my true love.. I got this great guy who loves me with al his heart. I’m sure of it, and we are getting married this July.

But I find myself being véry jealous of him, very protected of him.

When we first met, he was (and is) a computer nerd… and looked like one you see in movies..; bad hair, not shaved at all, smelly, bad clothes.. very bad hygiene in general. But somehow he won me over. He’s nothing like my “ex”. He cares for my feelings and interests all of the time.

In the years that we are together he changed into a nice, sexy guy with taste of clothes, hairgel, and shaved.

But the more he changes the jealous I get..

I’m so afraid that he’ll see another girl and that he will leave me..

I”ve lost 28 kg with an gastric bypass. And I’m afraid that I’ll never be thin enough, even though he always tells me that i look fine just the way I am.

But I can’t seem to get myself over these issues and therefore I have to put an effort in the matter not to piss him off with my stupid thoughts of him cheating on me..

he’s an computer nerd, so he can hide A LOT of information on his computer and iphone.. I’ve seen him crack codes and making things dissapear. (for the normal people not knowing “how to ping to router in black matrix kind of screen 😉 )

So even If I know his passwords I know that he can make certain information disapear for those who he wishes not to see.

And by knowing this It makes me more caushious..

God there is so much to tell to try to explain to you guy how I’m getting this paranoid.. but in my heart I know he will not cheat on me as long as I’m a reasonable person in this relationship, If I don’t drive him away from me

but going into panic attacks when I says ” sweatheart I’m thinkg of helping at the bar in our local gymschool to try to urn more money to make life easier for us” just because i’m terrified of him meeting another girl while I’m working my own shift at the store…

That just not heathy right?

And I do talk to him about it, but he can’t help me, cause he isn’t doing anything wrong.. it’s just my own twisted mind…

but how can I make myself calm down? Not think this way again? : live in the present not the past or the futher what might be