I go through this too.
Sometimes more often, some times this happens once a week.
It feels like I’m attacking myself but I have no defense.
I also battle with extreme anxiety, panic attacks, ect and they seem to tie in together.
I don’t have a lot of advice for you since I’m going through some thing similar but just know you are not alone.
Know you are worthy of love from yourself and from others
<3

m,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can know how isolating our journey can feel, sometimes. We watch a moment, unfavorable in its arising, a partner yelling or ignoring, and it hurts our feelings. But we don’t say anything, turn aside from it, and it builds up, until we explode with feelings of distance and agitation. As endless as it can sometimes seem, the pattern actually goes away when you set down the judgment, and let go of mistakes and triumphs. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Its OK, normal and usual for a loving and good spirited heart to make mistakes. Our partners, who seem to go from being “amazingly beautiful” to “amazingly infuriating”, can sometimes make intimacy a painful puzzle. However, consider two ships bumping together as they sail across an ocean. Little blips and bumps in the waves, very natural. Its OK. They do show their love often, after all.

He forgets to put the seat down, you sit in water. Oops. You forget to call, he worries. Oops. Yep, we all get distracted or confused, and that’s OK. No need to let those kinds of moments blemish our heartfelt dance with our partner. As we accept the “cost of living really close with a whole other person” as sometimes getting all ruffled and crazy, bumps don’t sting as deep, or for as long. “Marriage is hard work”, lovers say, and hehehe, yep.

The good news is it doesn’t have to interrupt our dance for long. We can embrace the moments, sing together with heartfelt communication, and let the past be done. “Yep, sitting in water at 2am would annoy me too, dear beloved, I’ll try harder to remember.” Forgive, move on. Then, it doesn’t stack up, as both of you remember. That the toilet seat being down prevents a sleepy jolt of discomfort, and talking it out helps him show his love by finding and walking alongside you toward a path of compromise, where both can be happy, content. He remembers, you remember, both learn to check the seat, even when sleepy.

It takes time, though, so forgive early and often. Said differently, choose your seeds intently, because they grow! Touch the emotion, Chogyam Trungpa used to say, then breathe, be intent, tenderly courageous.

With warmth,
Matt