Dear Laura,

I understand your worries about feeling alone. It is exciting to move to a new place and start a new chapter in your life, but it can also be scary and feel lonely at times.

I believe that friends can be made more easily at places like work or school, because these are environments where you see the same group of people on a daily basis and are therefore more likely to get close to one or more of them. Also, the mutual interest creates a bond between you. I think it’s not as easy to start a real friendship with people you see more casually, although this is not impossible of course.

Do you currently study or work? What does your average day look like?

Another “tip” which usually works for me is to display interest in other people, but not be too overbearing.
You use the term “best friend” and I understand this is because you have a strong need of creating a bond with someone which will be as strong, or almost as strong, as the one you have with your sister. You want someone to “have your back” the way your sister did when you were growing up, and this is especially important to you now that you are in a new environment and feel vulnerable. As understandable as that is, I would advise you to try and not put so many expectations on new people you meet. Someone might become your best friend in time, but if you are too focused on that and motivated by such a strong need, you might be disappointed, and people might find you too intense.

So I would say, focus on meeting new people and getting to know them, and take your time doing that. Don’t look for a potential “best friend” just yet, if that makes sense.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 3 months ago by Midnight.

Hey Laura,

First of all, I want to say you are not alone in feeling alone – we all face this at some point in our life and more so, thanks to the new trend of concentration of jobs in certain locations, global trotter life-styles etc in particular. There was a time I used to feel something was wrong with me because I didnt have that many friends – I was introverted, selective and rather suspicious to be honest. Over time though, after several experiences away from home, outside my comfort zone, I have concluded the following:

1) Quality matters over quantity. However, quality takes time – a good relationship is like a plant that needs care and time. Trust is something that takes time. So one needs to be realistic about the connect they will have with new people – As Midnight says, go with an open mind and less expectations on intimacy, more on basic courtesies. Best friends take time, hell even years actually.

2) What we are wired to seek are two things – company and the feeling of deep connection. What most people struggle with when they move to a new place alone is they no longer have that usual circle with whom they can do things with. The activities are missed and they feel bored – boredom causes more negative thinking to happen and judgments about oneself. The feeling of deep connection is something you already have with your sister and two friends – a connection that stands time and distance – whenever you get sad, remind yourself of that. There are some people out there who are truly alone, bitter and hopeless – you aren’t in that state thankfully.

3) Fill your days with activities and interests – learn to enjoy your company and that of others without excess expectations on them. Its good you know what type of people you want in your life – dont settle for shitty behavior.

And in the end, if you still feel alone, know you are not alone – what really matters is how connected you feel to yourself and to others, how satisfied you are with your life.

Of course, the most practical advice i can give you is to move back and be closer to loved ones or forge new friendships over time – 1 year is a very short time bdw, relationships take time and lighter, frequent interactions initially.

I hope you find a way in this new city.

Do post here sometime, would love to hear from you.

Regards,
Nina

Laura,

I am very glad of your resolve Laura and hope your experiences enrich you as a person. Though it was difficult to be alone often, the experience has helped. Please share and post again on how things are going for you at the workplace.

-Nina

I am alone for a whole lot of time and I learned to cope with the feeling of loneliness as soon as I realized that being alone is not a sign of something being wrong.

It is not a good neither a bad thing to be alone – it doesn’t mean anything – it’s just a way of being.

When I was trying to reason (very negatively) – I am alone because I am worthless, I am alone because nobody loves me etc – that’s when I felt lonely. When I changed my point of view, “decided” that I am alone because that’s how the universe has it, for now – I made my peace with it.

I wouldn’t mind having friends or partners to live together with, but I don’t mind not having them either.