How to move on from the past once and for all?

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February 5, 2019 at 6:08 am #278705

Anonymous
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Dear laelithia:

You could tell your mother what you shared here, how her frowning at you and smiling at your sister affected you, how her shaking her head at you and sighing (clearly expressing her disapproval of you in these ways) affected you, and how her telling you that you reminded her of her own childhood bullies puzzled you. You can tell her how hard you tried to get her approval, doing chores and getting good grades, but you failed to get her approval. You can tell her how you craved her positive attention, her acceptance, her okay-ing you so desperately, that this early desperation is currently fueling your anxiety and dysfunction in romantic relationships so far in your life.

But I do understand your difficulties with attempting to do so, you anticipate her acting as if she doesn’t know what you are talking about, question you, maybe shake her head again, sigh yet again, frown… yet again.

A good mother would listen to you, consider what you say, look inward, but she is very unlikely to do now what she didn’t do before.

Your mother has her record of your childhood, you have your record and the two disagree. For as long as you continue your relationship with your mother as-is, you join her in rejecting your own record, and so you don’t get to heal what happened there, in your childhood, and the core wounds keep bleeding.

These wounds came about in the context of a relationship, the relationship between you and her. Therefore these wounds have to be addressed in the same context, the relationship. No more memories on your part are required other than what you already shared (in first paragraph of this post).

This is what I see happening if you do bring this up to her: she rejects your record of your childhood, looks puzzled, doesn’t know what you are talking about, etc. This is what I see as helpful to you: following her reaction, you get angry that she once again rejects your own reality, your own experience, and you tell her how much it hurt and damaged you that she has done this all of your life.

You tell her that you are done with her, that your relationship with her from now on is limited to pleasantries, “hello”, “good afternoon”, “may I talk to (father)?”,”get well” etc., that you will not have any personal conversations with her, will not spend alone time with her, see her during family functions, that is all.

You can also tell her that you love her, always did, always will, but you are doing this because someone has to believe you, someone has to take your record seriously, and that someone is you.

Regarding your boyfriend, or the word you use, partner, you wrote: “He wants us to be able to be open and honest with one another”. Did you tell him then what you told me, “To be honest, I’m not even sure what is best for me… I don’t feel very attracted to him”- did you tell him that?

anita

February 5, 2019 at 8:12 am #278741
laelithia
Participant
Hi Anita,

Thank you for your reply. You’ll be pleased to know that I had this exact conversation yesterday with my mother, it was over the phone, but it went almost exactly as you predicted. I did get angry, and she said she “doesn’t understand what else I want from her” after she finally said “fine, I’m sorry I was such an horrible mother to you, I’m sorry for whatever I did that upset you so much!!” And then said she was having another chest pain episode, which unfortunately is very real. I feel guilty on one hand that she got so upset and I have already triggered her physical health to decline before, but on another hand I am glad I stood up for myself.

For a long time I couldn’t place why I was so stuck on the ex of 2 years ago, but I realized yesterday that he is by far the most like my mother than anyone I dated. Overly optimistic, carefree, only sees what they want to see, unapologetic, dismissive, twists the truth, divorced; but blame it completely on the other person, never accept responsibility for any wrongdoing or pain caused, always see themselves as the victim rather than the perpetrator, and lastly, with both of them, I could never “win” or “earn” them, and I blamed their behaviour on myself. But now I see, at the end of the day, how they acted was their, even if I was behaving badly. It wasn’t my fault.

I have in passing told my boyfriend about my feelings. I felt incredibly guilty doing so though, as he was very hurt that I don’t feel as attracted to him as he does to me, and as I did to exes before him. I feel so badly about this. I told him at the time I believed it’s because of my issues that I am only attracted to someone who doesn’t want a long term relationship with me, but to be honest I don’t know if that’s all that it is, and I’m not sure how to tell?

With my ex of many years ago, whom I owned a house with, I loved him and adored him completely, but again the attraction was missing. Oddly enough, we got back into contact a year or so ago, and now she is transitioning to a woman. I don’t know if this played a role in my lack of attraction, as this is a recent development and even she did not feel any issues from this in the past, or if it’s something deeper with me. Of all the men I have dated, the 2 that wanted a true relationship with me are the ones I had trouble feeling attracted to. Is it a coincidence, or were neither of them a match for me? How can I tell with my current partner if my attraction to him will change as I continue to work thorough my childhood issues, or it will never be there?

To give you an example with how I feel with him, it’s like this: I truly enjoy his company, I like to cuddle with him, hug him, kiss him on the cheek. But I don’t feel a desire to kiss him passionately, it feels “wrong” in a way. Not like I wanted to with the others. Physical intimacy is okay, but again, it is definitely not like it was with the others. Do you believe this is due to my past issues, or do you think we simply aren’t a match that way?
- This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by laelithia.
- This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by laelithia.
February 5, 2019 at 8:56 am #278757

Anonymous
Guest

Dear laelithia:

Good job confronting your mother, I am pleased that you did but caution you that for this confrontation to be a step in the right direction for you, you need to see to it that (unless she reaches out to you with a sincere attempt to examine what wrong she did to you, which is unlikely), you do not participate in any one-to-one conversations with her, that you limit your interactions with her to pleasantries only (hello,may I talk to …, I hope you feel better, and such), and nothing more.

At any time when you feel (unjustified) guilt, when you see her in pain because of her illness, or aging, it is okay for you to tell her that you love her, that you always loved her and always will, because it is true. But don’t say any more than that, none whatsoever.

Persist in this and make no exceptions. Take your own side, be 100% on the side of your record of your childhood/ ongoing experience with your mother.

Regarding your ex of two years ago, what an interesting insight you just brought up, for the first time, I believe.

Regarding your current boyfriend, having read about your relationship as much as I have, I don’t think well of the relationship nor do I see a good future with him: the fact that he is at times accepting of your behavior toward him, then gets angry, then accepts it again, all this indicates to me that he is not emotionally healthy, that he significantly doubts himself, that he lacks understanding of what is happening, and so, I think this relationship is not a good idea.

anita

February 5, 2019 at 9:25 am #278769

laelithia
Participant

Hi Anita,

Thank you again for your reply, I will definitely take your advice.

About my current relationship, do you think what you describe (his emotionally unhealthy behaviour) is the culprit for my lack of physical attraction towards him? Or is it my own individual issues or perhaps both? I want to figure this out, but I just don’t know how.

February 5, 2019 at 10:20 am #278785

Anonymous
Guest

Dear laelithia:

I don’t think that the reason you are not attracted to your boyfriend is that he is emotionally unhealthy. After all you described your ex of two years ago as emotionally unhealthy in a different way, yet you were physically attracted to him.

Notice that when your current boyfriend stated that he wanted to break up with you, your interest in him increased significantly. Soon later, when he considered resuming a relationship with you, your interest in him declined. And now when the relationship is back to where it was, your interest is weak. So one factor regarding your attraction to a man is whether he is rejecting you or announces that he is not available for a relationship, that increases your interest/ attraction to a man.

Regarding your ex of two years ago, you wrote that he had “never accept(ed) responsibility for any wrongdoing or pain caused”, just like your mother, and you “could never ‘win’ or ‘earn’ them”. Your desire to win or earn the interest of a person like your mother is a factor in your attraction to a man.

Your current boyfriend apologized for getting angry at you (although I don’t think he had a reason to apologize, unless he verbally abused you which I don’t remember reading that he did), so … nothing to “‘win’ or ‘earn'”- no interest, no attraction…?

anita

February 6, 2019 at 8:39 pm #279089

laelithia
Participant

Hi Anita,

I feel very torn as of late. After you and I have discussed my past more and how to confront my mother with it and having done that, I feel a weight has lifted and I have not that about the ex of 2 years ago much at all. When I have, it is more a fleeting thought about how little I care about or miss him anymore. More of a “what was I thinking?” sort of thought, which is much more tolerable than before.

That being said, I am so confused as to what to do about my current relationship. In putting the past behind me, I feel more connected with my partner than ever, and for once we are on the same page about the status of our relationship. He is not trying to leave, nor force it forward, and neither am I. We are having open, honest and frank discussions about where we see ourselves and relationship going in the future.

The reason he apologized for getting angry and threatening to never speak to me again in our last disagreement is because after he had time to calm down, he realized he overreacted, and he felt poorly of himself for not accepting my many apologies at the time for upsetting him (it was not my intention at all). It’s actually one of the few times he’s sincerely apologized on his own accord, and in some ways it makes me feel like he is making progress towards greater self-awareness of his temper and empathy for others. He, like myself, is a work in progress and I believe has a ways to go in the emotional development department, but I believe fully that he loves me. And I love him, I really do. Do I ever feel the intense and raw physical attraction I felt towards my ex of 2 years ago? No. But at the same time, my current partner makes me laugh, he is sweet (most of the time), doting, and I am very comfortable around him–something I have rarely had with men I have dated in the past.

My concern now is our future more than anything. He would need to stay in Switzerland for a bare minimum of 4 more years, and ideally, he would like to stay permanently. I am open to relocating to be with him for that time, maybe a bit longer, but I would like to stay in Canada long term as I believe we would have a better quality of life given what we could afford here versus there. However, he is an only child, and his mother is extremely attached (and somewhat possessive) to him, and I believe this makes it very complicated for him to move here one day.

L

February 7, 2019 at 6:37 am #279159

Anonymous
Guest

Dear laelithia:

Once you asserted yourself with your mother the obsession with the ex of two years ago subsided. This means that you did something that needed to be done, it was the right thing for you to do for your own mental health. But notice: a lifetime troubled relationship with your mother cannot be put to rest with one phone conversation. You will need to insist and persist in no longer having any personal relationship with her, none at all beyond pleasantries and what I mentioned in my post to you before last, 2/5. If your mother pursues you for a personal relationship in any way, you will have to re-assert yourself.

Regarding your current boyfriend, I would say a healthy relationship with him is possible, like you wrote, “He, like myself, is a work in progress”. If I was you though, I wouldn’t make any move toward living together in Canada or in Europe until a few months pass without you talking to him about any man you were involved with in the past. I would need to prove to myself and to him that this is possible, that a record of let’s say six months is the evidence that it is possible.

It is definitely not the time to make any move toward relocating, not even close. I would give the relationship six months before addressing relocating. Lots of time to communicate. If I was you I would get more information about his relationship with his mother.

anita

February 7, 2019 at 7:55 am #279185

laelithia
Participant

Hi Anita,

Thank you again for your helpful advice. I’m saddened to report that I dreamt of this ex of 2 years ago again last night. Once again, he apologized, and wanted to be with me. I am starting to realize what this common dream symbolizes, rather than it being what I actually want. The ex in my dream is not the real person, he is much kinder and mature. He gives me closure. I think in some ways, I will always be wanting this closure/validation from him and my mother, but I know deep down that neither are able or willing to give it to me, at least in the way I want.

It looks like I must restart the 6 month clock, as I told my partner about this dream and how upset I was having it since I truly thought I put this person and this relationship to rest. He was very kind and reassuring about it, perhaps there why I told him so much of this ex before. He really wants me to be over it, for me. I can tell it’s not selfish, it’s not for him or us he does this, it’s really for me and to try to stop my suffering. I feel very loved when he tries to reassure me, perhaps subconsciously I crave this feeling of love from him.

But you are right, I need to put this behind me and I definitely should not burden my partner with it. We will see how the next 6 months goes. It’s diffucult for me to not know what the future holds, to be able to plan ahead, but perhaps I’m being taught patience and faith in this process.

February 7, 2019 at 8:08 am #279187

Anonymous
Guest

Dear laelithia:

I am not at all surprised you dreamed of him. Your focus on this ex has been going on for a long time and is rooted in your early life troubling relationship with your mother, so of course, your focus on him will not disappear for long, magically resolve. But I think you are heading in the right direction and over time, as you continue to be more and more aware and asserting a non-personal relationship with your mother, this focus will evaporate.

My suggestion is that regardless of future dreams and reminders that you stop sharing them with your boyfriend. (I hope he .. didn’t grow to like you sharing about your ex, that would be troubling, an indication of his lack of emotional health).

The closure and validation you dream of receiving from your ex and the reassurance you are receiving from your boyfriend when you share with him about your ex, it is possible for you to give it to yourself. Not right now, but like I wrote, I think you are heading in the right direction and if you persist, if you do practice “patience and faith in this process, you will be able to give yourself that closure, validation and assurance.

anita

February 7, 2019 at 8:25 am #279195

laelithia
Participant

On a side note, now that I underhand myself and my healing so much better, I wonder about some things. I wonder what would have happened in past relationships had I not tried to heal my wounds from the past through them. What would have happened with the ex of 2 years ago if I had been preeent, not projecting my hurt into the relationship. Would it still have ended? Was it still more about timing than anything? Would I be happier now? It’s hard to stop my mind from wondering these things, but what do you think after all I’ve told you about this ex?

February 7, 2019 at 8:57 am #279209

Anonymous
Guest

Dear laelithia:

The relationship with your ex would have probably ended if you didn’t have your childhood wounds and if you didn’t try to heal those in that relationship because statistically, the vast majority of romantic relationships do end, and because when you met him he was not divorced yet and he was not ready to get into an exclusive relationship.

That night of the argument with him at the club, before getting to the club you wanted to spend time alone with him, just you and him. He wanted you to contact your friends and meet them in a club. He was eager to socialize, to enjoy other people.

anita

February 9, 2019 at 8:30 am #279413

laelithia
Participant

Hi Anita,

Thank you for your last message, this really helps me to forgive myself. I’ve noticed the last few days something about the last interaction I had with this ex has been upsetting me. Actually, a few things. I remember the very last time I saw him, we had arranged to meet for lunch for him to return some items of mine from his home. I thought of this lunch as a final goodbye, and finally an opportunity to speak up for myself and tell him how I felt about how he handled things between us, specifically how he treated me near the end and how he began dating his new partner while still seeing me.

However, he ended up inviting his male colleague to join us for lunch without telling me, and I never had the opportunity after all to confront him. I tried again a few months later over the phone, however, I found myself locking up, and in the end, I never did. I simply wished him well. About a year after that, around April of 2018, I sent him a strange Facebook message where I apologized, rather than asking him to, or expressing how I felt about everything. To this day, I’m not exactly sure why I did this. I know I had just taken my medication for ADHD which often made me hyper and a little impulsive (I no longer take it) and I remember my current partner encouraging me to do so. He says at the time he really thought it would help me gain closure for myself, and put the past in the past once and for all. However, the ex I’m referring to instead read this apology, and rather than reply or even just ignoring it, he blocked me. I have found ever since that it is a sore spot for me, that after everything I had done for this ex, all the pain I endured from his behaviour, that this was the last “interaction” I ever had. Him and his current partner blocking me. I understand what this means, that he never wants to speak to me again. However, I feel silenced once and for all, that I never was able to voice my truth to him, to call him out on any of his cruel behaviours to me. Instead, I let him believe I was the one in the wrong, the one needing to apologize. I have no idea what I was thinking, why I put myself out there to be hurt and rejected once again by this person after so much time had passed.

These days, I waver back and forth over if I should contact him one more if only to say my piece. I know no matter what he will never apologize, and I will never get any acknowledgement on his part of the pain he caused me, but I feel I have done a disservice to myself to have never spoken up for myself to him. Do you think it is possible for me to forgive myself for this if I don’t ever speak up? It has been almost a year now, and although I believe I have finally put the relationship behind me, it is the ending and that once again I didn’t have my own back that is upsetting me. Of all the things I regret about that past relationship, including that horrible night that I lashed out at him, it is this apology I sent a year ago that I regret the most. I wish I had thought about it more, and had not sent it. In fact, most of it was copied and pasted from an apology I wrote to my first ex, the one I lived with for years. He actually deserved that apology, whereas the ex I sent it to a year ago never did in my opinion, as I had apologized already many times in the past. I believe in many ways I was hoping if I apologized, perhaps he would have to. However, he did not, and if anything further opened the wound.

February 9, 2019 at 9:23 am #279415

Anonymous
Guest

Dear laelithia:

This is the way I see it: what is happening in your brain is not what is happening in his brain. You have been obsessing about him; he has not been obsessing about you. That apology is stuck in your brain, it may not exist in his. He may be at the present time troubled by something completely unrelated to you, engaged with something so removed from what happened between you and him. You are stuck in something that does not exist except in the neuropathways of your brain.

That relationship is over. You are probably a distant memory for him. Outside the short distance between your ears, this relationship of the past does not exist.

In other words, it really doesn’t matter what the last contact with him was, that apology. Clearly, at the time he received it, he wasn’t moved by it to respond. He may have thought you are trying to contact him yet again, that is all, so he blocked you. And he was right, you didn’t really want to apologize, you wanted to contact him so that he will apologize.

There is nothing going on between you and him.

anita

February 9, 2019 at 10:28 am #279427

laelithia
Participant

Hi Anita,

Thank you again for your reply. I agree with you, on a rational/cognitive level, you are absolutely right that there is nothing going on between him and me other than what is in my brain.

In order to stop what I have been thinking about, i.e., the last interaction (specifically the shame, humiliation, and disappointment of the outcome), what do you suggest I do? Do you think it’s best to try to force myself to think of something else whenever the thought pops up? I take it yo do not think it is a good idea to express any of my thoughts or feelings to him directly?

Thanks again for your help, Anita. I am so grateful for the time and energy you have already spent helping me!

– L

February 9, 2019 at 11:18 am #279437

Anonymous
Guest

Dear laelithia:

You are welcome.

“Do you think it’s best to try to force myself to think of something else whenever the thought pops up?” – I don’t think that will work for you, to try and force yourself to think of something else, it can encourage your obsession with him.

You are considering expressing to him your thoughts and feelings, once again, that will be something going on, something you will be sending to him- questions

1. What will be the message you will be sending him?

2. What is your motivation; what do you want to happen as a result of sending him this message?

3. What if he doesn’t respond, how will that affect you?

4. If he does respond, what response will be helpful to you and what will make things worse for you?

I will be away from the computer for the next 17 hours or so. If you post before I am back, I will read from you and reply when I return.

anita
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