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How to move on?

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  • May 18, 2018 at 7:32 am #208063
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * didn’t reflect under Topics

    May 18, 2018 at 8:04 am #208071
    Maya55
    Participant

    Yes they’re still together. He changed now though. He stopped drinking like 4 years ago but the damage was done. I don’t live with them anymore so it doesn’t really phase me anymore because he is different now. I was never really angry at him, I do feel some type of resentment but in a weird twisted way I always felt bad for him. Like he knew exactly what to say when I was a kid so I’d feel bad for him and also my mom so I was kinda trapped in between them- feeling bad for both but also in a way resenting both at the same time. This probably all comes back to my relationships with men and what I allow in my relationships.

    May 18, 2018 at 8:19 am #208079
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Maya55:

    Yes, I do  believe that this mix of empathy and anger toward our parents does “comes back to (our) relationships” later in life.

    What happens in the later relationship, such as with your ex is that because of that empathy, you tolerate hurtful behavior. If you were only angry at him following his unloving and hurtful behavior toward you, and there was no correcting of his behavior (for example, if he stopped watching porn), then you would have left him.

    anita

     

    May 18, 2018 at 8:21 am #208081
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * didn’t reflect under topics, again

    May 18, 2018 at 9:15 am #208089
    Maya55
    Participant

    Ahhh..that makes sense now.Is this something that could be fixed with therapy maybe because this is a constant thing for me, even with friends.. When people treat me horrible I constantly forgive them and try to understand and blame it on myself. So am I stuck like this forever or can I be fixed and be normal?

    May 18, 2018 at 10:27 am #208111
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Maya55:

    You asked: “am I stuck like this forever or can I be fixed and be normal?”-

    I don’t know of anyone being normal. Every person is functional in some areas and less functional in other areas. I don’t know about the verb fix either, don’t think of you as broken.

    It is very, very common to have a mix of empathy and anger starting in childhood. This mix gets imprinted in the brain and affects our behavior throughout life. There is a way to re-learn and change behaviors, yes, some behaviors are more difficult to change than others. This one is one of the more difficult. It takes time and effort, persistence and patience and may require the help of a capable therapist.

    So yes, if you can afford it or find a way to have psychotherapy with a capable, hard working therapist (not all therapists are these things), then it is a good idea.

    I hope you post again, anytime.

    anita

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