Dear Maria:

WOW, Maria, what a strong delivery. I am glad you started this thread.

I am not focused enough at this time of the day and am looking forward to re-read your post tomorrow morning, in about fifteen hours from now. I would like to reply to you then.

anita

Dear Maria:

The reason I was able to rewrite your share without misunderstandings on my part, is because you were clear enough and pretty “good with the written word“.

I agree with every recommendation you made for the reader to practice in life. It is all sensible, intelligent, insightful and if practiced, very helpful.

This is the main thing I agree with and feel strongly about: “Be mad at the world…F*&^ bowing your head or bending your knee. You don’t bow to anyone, you will not be talked down to”.

I personally experienced lots of humiliation as a child (and onward), repeatedly talked down to by my mother. She yelled verbal insults at me, went on endless verbal crusades against me, crusades that ended only when she ran out of humiliating things to say to me and was exhausted.  As she said those things and hit my face hard with her hand, I bowed my head. At least that one time, she said this to me: “the only thing I like about you is that you don’t speak back to me, that you look down at the floor”.

I remember that in all that feeling bad I felt a little bit of good that I did at least this one thing right, that I didn’t say anything to her, that I bowed my head, that I submitted like… a good girl.

I now feel very strongly, passionately, that a person must not submit to disrespect, to mistreatment, to abuse. I feel very strongly about asserting oneself with people, ending relationships, any relationship where disrespect and mistreatment is practiced. I ended all contact of any kind with my mother more than four years ago. There will never be contact again.

But between submitting to her abuse and ending all contact with her, there were decades as an adult still submitting to her abuse, and others’ abuse, at times unleashing anger at people, some who did nothing to me, and withdrawing from people.

It was only through a process of healing, one that is still ongoing, that I have gained clarity about my anger. I gained the clarity that it makes sense after all that I love my mother (an inborn emotional attachment a baby is born to have, a young child can’t help but feel) and feel intense anger at her, that the two are not contradictory, that I am not a bad person for feeling angry at my mother, for ending contact with her… that I loved her, she didn’t love me, and that not everyone I come across is my mother.

I am now able to withdraw not from everyone, but from those who really are disrespectful or aggressive toward me. I am able to see that there are many rude people in the world and that.. I was rude too, to people who didn’t offend me. It is important to me to never-again submit, but also, to never mistreat another person, to do-no-harm to another (except for self defense and the defense of children, if I have the opportunity).

I shared this so to make this point about anger, that it is a natural feeling, a good thing, it let’s us know we were hurt and it prepares us for a fight against the offender. But unlike other animals who do fight immediately upon feeling angry, we must discern and most of the time not react to the anger automatically (how many end up in prisons for having done so). We have to calm down just long enough to figure out what to do. We have to discern between our enemies and our friends.

I share what I share on your thread not because I need to, hijacking your thread for this purpose, but because I think it may be helpful to you. This thread is about you and your life. I would like to read more about your life, your thoughts, your feelings.

anita

Dear Maria:

Say the many things you have to say. I want to read what you say. I want to know more about you, what you think, what you feel, what you value. You said what you said in your original post very well, so you already have the practice of being clear. No need to say it perfectly, no such thing. Just say it.

anita

I think you are doing just fine expressing yourself. My moms name was Maria. I never got to know her but I can feel her presence with your post. I’m new around here but feel like I have finally arrived in a truly compatible place. Thank you for sharing