Hi everyone,

I’ve been using this site for a while to try and convince myself I did the right thing on a recent decision, but I am hurting so much and really would appreciate some help. It’s a long story but I’ll try to cut it short…

I met a guy a year and a half ago at a party. He was over on holiday for the summer – I’m British, he is American; I instantly liked him, just his manner and the vibe I got from him. I spent all summer with him just hanging out as friends, then eventually we started to realise there were more feelings there. We slept together, and I took his virginity.. which he said he had waited to lose for a while because it was such a big deal to him, so I was pretty honoured to hear that, in a kind of strange humble way. He went home after a few weeks and I was devastated. We kept in contact and talked every day and regularly skyped. At the end of September we both admitted we had fallen in love with each other. This was both of our first loves.

He came back at Christmas with his mum and sister, and we spent more time together then. I had never felt so happy and comfortable with someone – then the inevitable happened again, and he had to return home to America. This time when he left it hurt even more, I was totally lost. It started to hit me how much I loved him. As soon as he returned home he became very distant. He wasn’t himself, and it worried me. A few weeks later I got an EMAIL saying he thinks we should break up and go our separate ways as he was no longer in love. It broke my heart. He didn’t give me any reasons and cut contact, and cut me out of his life.

A month later, ironically the day before Valentines Day, he contacted me pretty much begging for my forgiveness. Eventually, I did forgive him. Because I loved him so much and didn’t want to lose him. We talked about him coming out to England during the Easter break, but nothing was ever booked. Two months later, we broke up again. This time it was more mutual and we talked about it, but it still broke my heart all over again. We went a month without talking and it was one of the hardest months of my life.

After that month, I contacted him. I missed him so much and wanted to see how he was doing. We realised the spark was still there. He had talked about applying to university in England before, and when we started talking again, he made this a reality. He got offers from two universities over here. He talked about me going out to America in the summer just before he moved to England. But shortly after this, he found out his visa to come to England was denied and he couldn’t reapply for at least another year. I was beyond upset – I thought then we would just have to leave it. I couldn’t just talk to him over skype/text for another year and not see him.

We continued talking as friends, not every day like we used to though. Then he came up with the idea again of me going to America over my Christmas break. Long story short, his family paid for my flight and it was all set. (I didnt ask for it, but i’m a student so have zero money and he knew it wouldnt happen otherwise). One of his family members were going away so it was agreed we could stay at their house alone. A few weeks later I was having major doubts. My work was stacking up at university and I knew I wouldn’t be able to focus on it in America with him, and then I lost my grandfather. I kept thinking how could I leave my family at Christmas when we’d just gone through a loss. I ignored my doubts, then it came to the week before my flight. I asked him if I could change my flight to come home earlier so I could see my family and try to get some work done for my degree. He instantly said no, and he didn’t even ask why – I had to tell him instead. We argued so bad that night.

The next day, I panicked. Especially because my friends were telling me not to go, and my mum said she had a really bad gut feeling about him and her gut feelings are never wrong. She said some crazy things like she was worried that he would physically hurt me. It put more doubt into my head – I let other people’s judgements cloud my own. I panicked so much that I called him to cancel the whole trip. He was absolutely devastated and cried down the phone, he just kept saying “so you’re not going to be getting on that flight?” I repeatedly told him no, but it was like I was trying to convince myself.

The next few days it felt so wrong – I knew I should be going. I told him I had messed up and I apologised profusely. It got to the day before my flight of us going back and forth arguing when he turned around and said it was too late for me to go there now. He’d told all his friends and family I wasn’t going, and he didn’t know how they’d react. I was shocked – I knew I should have never opened my mouth and said I wasn’t going, but even the day before the flight he could have still told me to come. If he wanted me there that bad, he could have done something about it – the flight tickets were all booked, I just needed to pack.

It’s been a week now since I told him and I have never felt so low in my whole life. I gave up an amazing opportunity to spend time with the person I loved, purely because I let other people’s doubts creep into my head so much. I’ve told him every single day how much I regret it, I don’t know how I can live with this feeling. I hurt him so much and I feel absolutely terrible. We talk occasionally but I can feel him slipping away. Realistically even if I had gone I wouldn’t have been able to see him until possibly April, but if not in September if he managed to get his visa. I’m at university full time and start a work placement next year, so my holiday time is limited.

I just need advice of what to do – I don’t want to let him go and for us both to move onto other people. I feel like I will truly never love anyone as much as I love him, and nobody will ever love me the way he did. I don’t think I ever want to love anyone else. He is perfect for me, we share the same views on pretty much anything. He has been through a lot in the past mentally, but that’s why I love him. Even if he comes in September to England, I dont know how things will be. I hope he has forgiven me by then, but I don’t know what to do with myself in the time in between.

If you have read this far, you are an absolute SAINT. Ultimately all I’m asking is how do you deal with not taking a huge opportunity and living with so much regret? I don’t know what to do 🙁 any comments would be appreciated beyond words right now. Thank you